Finding some people just don't give anything away

[happa]

Could this be an age thing ? I don't mean to sound so ageist. So I'm happy to be pulled up on that, as I know it's not ok.

But my DH and I have recently been discussing how we feel about some slightly younger family members ( both blood relatives and not blood relatives ) and how we find they just never really say what they think about stuff or give much away. Even over silly things, simple things, they don't like to share opinions. Things just seem so flat when in conversation with them.

We are slightly older millennials and they're a bit younger millennials, on the gen Z cusp.

You never know what they are actually thinking and it can get a bit frustrating to spend time together, as it's all a bit cold.

I know my post is probably going to get absolutely ripped apart. Take the age thing out of it, do you ever feel like some people just don't want to give away what they're thinking and find it difficult to spend time with them, because you like to actually connect with people ?

I'm probably not articulating myself very well. Is that even grammatically correct? Probably not..

Some people are less 'open' than others. I don't find it's age related personally.

Although, I do find that the less people have to do in their own lives, the more interested they are in others lives, which does sometimes mean older, retired people can become a tad nosey.

I have noticed this watching reality shows. In the old days of big brother, Towie and Love island people were more upfront and honest but now people are really filtered. All following a script, too scared to reveal anything different

I totally understand that it takes time, especially for some people.

And I agree that it isn't age related.

But I mean more people you've known a while and just don't get much back from in terms of being open and sharing even simple opinions on silly things. Not even anything major. But they always choose the vanilla option and never let you in on what they think.

Hmmm, I think you might find that it is because they don't share your views and opinions but they also dislike confrontation. And so they say nothing/very little. And if their opposing opinion is strong enough on something you've said, they've kind of shut down all together. So even seemingly 'light' subjects don't elicit a response.

I think it's because anything you say now can be taken as offensive. You can't have an opinion that's a bit different. It's better to say absolutely nothing and be neutral.

That's not real life though is it? So I think that's the difference between going onto reality TV in the early days with no preconceptions vs now when people have already watched a lot and have a 'game plan'. I also think people largely go into it now trying to be famous. Whereas 'back in the day', that might have been the outcome, but it wasn't really planned

I don't think it's an age thing personally.

I'm perfectly happy just listening to someone who clearly has a lot to say, with occasional interjections.

Takes the pressure off discourse 😀🙉

Perhaps they're just dull? Maybe it's not that they don't want to share an opinion, but they just don't have one.

I know the type you mean OP.

My SIL is like that. It’s impossible to have a conversation with her. Ask her if she went out over the weekend and she will reply ‘yes’. Ask her if she went anywhere nice and she will reply ‘a restaurant’. She won’t say the name or volunteer anything. It is secrecy more than privacy. I stopped making the effort and answer her (numerous) questions in a similar fashion and we sit in silence.

I suppose I'd need to know what sort of opinions you think they need to share for context?

If your referring to things like hard politics (Palestine/Ukraine/Brexit) or the economy (colc) etc I really think those sorts of subjects are out of bounds in casual chit chat with the aged twenty somethings. I wouldn't have had much to say about that sort of thing at that age, even though now I'm full of it on all those subjects 🤣.

If you mean they have literally no opinion on anything including the weather or what they ate for tea I'd be a bit bored too.

To be fair, maybe your younger family members are more interested in listening?

My inlaws were like that. Fine to talk about the weather, Tour de France or Tudor history but nothing, nothing at all about things closer to home. They'd turn the TV on upon anything family related.

My DH struggled with it as much as I did if not more.

I think we come across as very opinionated and not politically correct to the younger generation (Gen z), plus maybe not much in common with regards of the stage in your life you are at?

This is what I think too.

Im sure they chat away to the people they want to!

Where my partner comes from people don't say hello when you meet up. They seem to launch into whatever it is they are going to speak about. Thought I was imagining it then my daughter married someone from the next town and his family are all the same. Weirdos.

Definitely not stuff like brexit etc. although to be fair, one of them did share an opinion on politics once, which I thought was a good thing. I asked a few questions around it, as it was politics from another country I wasn't super familiar with and I found it really interesting to learn more about it. I was really happy to find out a bit more about an opinion that one time it happened.

Other than that I mean really menial rubbish even. We were talking about dress shapes the other day and I mentioned I really like dresses with a big skirt, but tighter stuff suits me more. I didn't get any response there as to what their preferences may be. I know it seems so minor and stupid, but to me, the natural thing would be to say ' oh yeah I really love X shape and Y shape '. It just facilitates the flow of conversation.

Or if you ask about the weekend and something they did, or people they met, it's always just so vague. Oh so what are so and so's friends like - ' yeah they're really nice '- ok so what are they into ? What do they do ? where are they from ? Did you click with them ? Did you have a good time ?

I know we are at different life stages, but I want to connect and understand their life and take an interest in what they're up to. Rather than just say ' everyone is really nice '- tell me more - I've known you for 10 years. They're always really interested to hear about what we are doing / what the kids are doing etc, so I show an interest in what's happening in their life too.

If they ask me what the school mums are like for example - I go into some detail about that and actually explain what they're like, who I get on with and why- who maybe I'm not sure about or haven't got to know yet. I have real conversations. They don't seem to want to do that back, if that makes any sense ?

I give a lot and try to be inquisitive back to show an interest but I don't feel like much comes back.

I also notice that I share some negative / self deprecating / slightly vulnerable things occasionally. They'd also never ever do that about themselves.

I know everyone connects differently though. But we see these people very regularly and just feels like I put a lot out there, hoping to make a connection and it doesn't really work.

Ps: I know you'll all say I'm a fucking weirdo socially for what I've just explained, as this is AIBU. But generally I make friends really easily and I'm really sociable/ chatty / open person. People always say I'm very approachable and down to earth.

I don’t think this is anything to do with ‘opinion’. Some people just aren’t particularly verbal, or are not verbal in a way you find appealing. You may think a pen picture of your fellow school mums’ personalities is funny and appealing, but some people would be baffled as to why you were talking about people they’d never met, or why you’d be interested in whether they liked the people they’d met at the weekend, or their opinions on skirt shapes.

And some people just aren’t self-deprecating.

The other possibility is that you seem far more invested in maintaining and deepening the relationship than the relatives are, and it makes them uncomfortable and evasive?

Yes. This is how I handle conversations with people who I find maybe a bit judgy/over opinionated.

My in laws probably find me as dull as dishwater because I totally skirt around any kind of meaningful conversation with them because I hear how they judge others.

I also do this with people I don't trust. Keep it basic.

Ah no but they'll ask me: what are they like ?do you like them ? Who do you get on with ? Etc etc

They'll ask me about the details, so I share. But they don't do the same back.

It comes up when they ask what are we doing this weekend ? Or whatever it might be.

I'm not overly invested in the relationships. They ask to see me and my family very regularly. Almost every weekend.

@SnobblyBobbly I totally get that actually.

I do a similar thing with my in laws. But then I don't ever go out of my way to spend as much time with them, as the people I'm talking about want to spend with us.

I also do it with my in laws because I don't trust them. The less they know the better, about my personal stuff.

However, I wouldn't shy away from a bit of chit chat about menial opinions on things.

You've raised a good point. Perhaps they don't trust us and think we are judgy.

So are they just inarticulate? Some people just can’t tell a story, or aren’t capable of describing a character or a place. Or they lead very dull lives and, If they want to see you a lot, enjoy your capacity to talk descriptively, or simply think you lead a more interesting life than they do? My mother, a lifelong, chronic people-pleaser, just bats back questions to the other person, because she thinks it’s ‘rude’ to take up conversational space. Listening to her on the phone for an hour, she may literally only say ‘Really?’ and ‘Oh, yes?’ at intervals…

I suppose I’m just asking why you think they’re consciously holding stuff back, rather than just not good at conversation in the way you would like?

I'm thinking the same as @meganorks and @SnobblyBobbly

I'm friendly, out going, chatty, but I don't offer much when I don't agree with a lot of the other people's opinions, and I'm in a situation (which I suspect is the same as yours) where these are people you are going to have to spend time with every now and then, over years.

I mean, I'd challenge something offensive, but not so much at a level which has me just rolling my eyes internally. Then, once you feel like that, even really trivial things don't really engage me in conversation with them.

I have to say, I'm the same and I didn't really realise that.

However, I would not go out of my way to spend a lot of time with people I felt like that about. In addition, I actually feel a little bit like that about the actual people I'm talking about. I don't trust them really.

But I just keep trying somehow to connect, because we do see them so much.

I don't really know how to solve it, because I find it really dull and unfulfilling to spend time with them.

I’m sure many people are just quite bland but more than that people are petrified of being cancelled for having opinions.

Some people are just bland and do not have much to say. They tend not to have many or any friends.