Finding some people just don't give anything away

[happa]

Could this be an age thing ? I don't mean to sound so ageist. So I'm happy to be pulled up on that, as I know it's not ok.

But my DH and I have recently been discussing how we feel about some slightly younger family members ( both blood relatives and not blood relatives ) and how we find they just never really say what they think about stuff or give much away. Even over silly things, simple things, they don't like to share opinions. Things just seem so flat when in conversation with them.

We are slightly older millennials and they're a bit younger millennials, on the gen Z cusp.

You never know what they are actually thinking and it can get a bit frustrating to spend time together, as it's all a bit cold.

I know my post is probably going to get absolutely ripped apart. Take the age thing out of it, do you ever feel like some people just don't want to give away what they're thinking and find it difficult to spend time with them, because you like to actually connect with people ?

I'm probably not articulating myself very well. Is that even grammatically correct? Probably not..

They are just dull as ditchwater. Probably not too much going on between the ears.

I've always been a very closed person and I never express my opinion in conversation. I don't like confrontation and I don't care enough about connecting with someone to make the effort. Sometimes I simply nod along and smile without revealing my true opinions. DH knows me well but most people, even my family, don't. I've encountered enough criticisms (even just overhearing conversation about others) to know that people do judge and criticised, and it's not an unfounded view. I don't want to feed that attitude so I keep myself to myself, and trust very few people. I'm mid 40s so definitely not a young person's thing.

I’m 60. Can’t stand the “sharing” trend at all.

What do you mean by sharing trend ?

If you share nothing of yourself you never get close to anyone.

There doesn’t seem to be much of a concept of keeping private things private anymore. Everyone puts every little detail of their life out on social media. It’s weird.

That's true but this isn't about social media.

It's more just about interpersonal relationships and not sharing opinions about mostly quite mundane things. It's about different people connecting in different ways, I guess.

There is a vast middle ground.

People are just making conversation. Doubt anyone is that interested in anybody anyway.

I am interested in other people.

I'm not trying to be mean here but maybe they just don't have any interest in connecting with you in the way you're looking for? I have very close relationships and friendships with people I have chosen, and those are the people I get down into nitty gritty details with, share everything with, am vulnerable with. The people I really click with and want to connect with because we share passion for something, or just vibe well together. Everyone else gets neutral. I'm an introvert, I don't have the battery power to give 100% to everyone. Perhaps you just fall into the "everyone else" category for them. They're happy to listen to you sharing because you seem to genuinely like to share, but they have no interest in sharing back - that's how I feel about some of the people in my "everyone else" box.

Don't worry you're not being mean at all and I appreciate your response.

No one has been as brutal as I thought this would go actually.

I absolutely understand where you're coming from.

I also have people who I usually don't really like but am forced to spend time with, who I can act a bit like that with.

However, for me, it's difficult to understand why they'd choose to spend time with us and act like this with us. It's also difficult because we see each other so often and I make a lot of effort to be welcoming and put myself out there, to get very little back. I find it depressing to be honest and would rather see them less, because then their behaviour makes sense to me. I feel like if you choose to spend a lot of time with someone and still act cold and distant, what's the point ?

I get everyone is different and maybe I should just accept and play along. But it just doesn't work for me and actually I feel quite rejected by this. So I guess my boundaries need to be put in place to protect myself.

Would you choose to see people you feel like that about on a weekly basis ?

I certainly would not.

Also, we don't have harsh opinionated conversations going on in our house at all times that could upset them.

I think some people are just not good conversationalists, either because they don't see the point or because they never learned those skills. Talking to them is just imparting information.

Other people you can chat away with for ages, with the topics going from trivial to deep and back again.

Do you think it’s a screen or social media thing? DSs chat at length on message platforms. I don’t know whether the gang is good company in real life. My DSs are- at least they are great with elderly relatives and great fun with us. DS2 has said he’s relieved to come home for decent conversation because he finds people can be a bit bland.

I tried hard to connect with my god daughter- took her out etc. it was painful, really hard. I couldn’t get a conversation going at all. She gets on really well with younger kids though.

Some people just don't go that deep. And there's no point trying to make them because they dig in even more.

I used to find this frustrating but then I found people I could really, really talk to - just two new friends - and realised i'd been trying to get something out of the surfacey people that just wasn't there.

Now when I see them I keep it light and bland too, and it's fine. I don't really care about them and they don't really care about me and I've stopped trying to get any closer.

My DD is 15 and autistic and can not really make conversation. She asks me loads of a questions and my opinion about everything but will not really reciprocate. I really try to encourage her to share but she says ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I’m not sure’ to questions to avoid answering. If I really press for an opinion or answer, she gets upset. She is not unintelligent at all and I know deep down she has opinions but it is extreme shyness, low self esteem and fear of saying the wrong thing that are causing this I think. She also is hung up on being completely truthful so doesn’t want to say something in case it isn’t 100% true which gets in her way of offering opinions because they are not factual. It is so much easier for her to smile politely and say ‘I’m not sure’ than deal with all the overthinking that ties her up in knots. I am hoping she can learn to conversate more as she is older as I want her to make connections. So perhaps they are very shy or have low confidence which might be keeping their answers brief?

Is it like where people say ‘but of course everyone is entitled to their opinion/ it’s their choice etc etc’? So they’re trying not to rock the boat? It’s so easy now to get jumped on for any opinion that I can kind of see their point

Can't ou clarify how they chose to spend time with you? As in, is it always thier suggestion to meet up? Do they propose activities like days out or gigs?

To me it seems blindingly obvious that they don't particularly like you/ want to connect with you and so don't really want you knowing lots about their lives.

Maybe they don’t like small talk? They have an understanding of politics in another country but you’re talking to them about skirt patterns and what their friends are like? I don’t mean that to sound harsh but could it be that?

They have that understanding because they're from that country. We see all educated people.

It was just an example. I've tried it all ways. Deep/ not deep. Nothing works.

Yeah it's often their suggestion. They ask to come over or go meet for lunch. Sometimes it's our suggestion too, because it's rude not to reciprocate it.

There will be periods where we see them every weekend. Then sometimes it will be once every couple of weeks or once a month.

Maybe your communication styles are just different. I'm not young, nor shy of talking, but I wouldn't go into detail in conversation about people the other person didn't know, whether they'd shared that sort of thing or not. I'd be too conscious of overtalking.
I would also not like someone pressing me for an opinion on something in the name of 'conversation.' Not that you've said you're doing that, but is it possible that the younger people feel a bit put on the spot at times?
It sounds as if your relationships are positive in other ways, so maybe just relax on this, let go of your expectations/disappointments and let communication occur naturally.

I have read all your posts and I don’t think it’s been mentioned but sorry if I’ve missed it — how big is the age difference?

My first impression is that they are quite young and unformed/uninformed, so don’t have too much to say yet and also don’t want to risk offending as they like being part of your family. Added to that they’re probably also not talented in telling stories and describing people and situations (DH is like this and it drives me mad sometimes, he just can’t craft a decent tale with more than the bare minimum).

Could you share what the relation is or is that outing? (They’re not your kids/step kids are they?)

It's more likely to be a skills/ personality thing than pure age, but being young there could be an element of self-censorship from growing up with social media. There have always been people like it though.

Some people are happy to be in a social space but struggle to participate in it.

I occasionally encounter people where I get the vibe that there's really not much going on, but that's quite rare. It's not just that they're quiet, hard to get responses from but also looking very blank like there's no interest in their surroundings or internal action either. It's like they just brought their body (and seen it most in children so unlikely to be a medication issue).

Being filtered is no bad thing. I find the younger ones have watched the mistakes and errors of the slightly older ones and reflected that they don't want that.