Finding some people just don't give anything away

[happa]

Could this be an age thing ? I don't mean to sound so ageist. So I'm happy to be pulled up on that, as I know it's not ok.

But my DH and I have recently been discussing how we feel about some slightly younger family members ( both blood relatives and not blood relatives ) and how we find they just never really say what they think about stuff or give much away. Even over silly things, simple things, they don't like to share opinions. Things just seem so flat when in conversation with them.

We are slightly older millennials and they're a bit younger millennials, on the gen Z cusp.

You never know what they are actually thinking and it can get a bit frustrating to spend time together, as it's all a bit cold.

I know my post is probably going to get absolutely ripped apart. Take the age thing out of it, do you ever feel like some people just don't want to give away what they're thinking and find it difficult to spend time with them, because you like to actually connect with people ?

I'm probably not articulating myself very well. Is that even grammatically correct? Probably not..

I really don't think I push it at all.

I only really realised that we felt this way recently.

I was just thinking they're a bit cold and I'm always trying quite hard. But it only occurred to me recently that the lack of sharing is the actual thing. So I don't think I've been pushy.

I was also not asking about completely random people btw. There were very specific reasons behind my questions that I don't really want to get into on here. I don't just ask about every random friend or anything like that.

It's a mix of ages, ranging from 6 years younger to 12 years younger.

I don't really want to share the relations in detail.

But no, not step kids. More like cousins, BIL, SILs, sisters, brothers that kind of thing..

If I’m closed off, it’s usually because I don’t feel safe with the person I’m talking to. I don’t share things with people who I feel are going to turn right around and gossip about me the minute I leave the room.

I'm actually the same. I've had some really bad stuff happen in my personal life recently and I would never share that with them.

But random stuff is fine and I still try to be warm to people and want to connect because we see them so much.

Hang on, so it’s not just a couple of individuals — it’s a whole range of younger relatives?

I’ve not found this personally. I have friends 15-20 years older and younger. Maybe it’s your communication style and it’s not compatible with theirs?

I don’t think I have a strong opinion on dress shapes and I wouldn’t really care about some random school mum I have never met, it sounds a bit inane.

Do you have any shared interests you can talk about?

Do you ever spend time with them one on one, or is it always a group situation?

I find many people express their thoughts more in an individual conversation, and once you have established that relationship they are better in a group (or at least you know what they are not saying).

I think it's generally personality rather than age. I was thinking similar about a 60 year old friend recently. We aren't close and I think partly because she almost seems needlessly secretive. No, she doesn't need to share every detail of her life, but things that make a conversation flow would be good. Eg, she's not around for a few days, so saying they are away in Yorkshire for a break would lead to chat about the area. Mentioning that they are going to a particular local restaurant for a birthday means next time you meet I can ask how the meal went.

Sometimes you are together through circumstance - maybe you both attend the same club / group / hobby so meet up each week for that, rather than the company, and the 'chat' is by-the-by during an interval / before you start / after you finish / or even if it is an activity you can talk during.

Sometimes it might be you go to visit Relative A but it happens that another relative of theirs - person B - is there. For example, you go round to your ds's to see him, his partner and the grandchildren, but it means you are also spending time with his MiL who you might not be close to.

Also, we don't have harsh opinionated conversations going on in our house at all times that could upset them.

Not sure many people do. I can think of one person who I spend time with fairly regularly, who isn't a person I would choose to spend time with, but there is nothing harsh or opinionated about his conversation, it is just boring (to me). He is nice enough. He has never told me as such, but I'm pretty sure he is on the autistic spectrum, and there is no reason why I would exclude him from the group we both belong to, but I struggle to feign interest in the level of detail he likes to go in to about anything he wants to say.

But one thing l don't understand, OP, is why you are choosing to see them so often, when you clearly don't enjoy their company?

Just see them once every 6-8 weeks or so and you might find you all have more to talk about!

Z O M B I E T H R E A D

This thread is nearly a year old.

I am a very private person and don't feel the need to share everything about my life with acquaintances or colleagues.

I will chat more openly with close friends.

Everyone is different and you need to accept that.

The older I get, the more guarded I am.

I’m 44, and depending on who you ask, you’d get an entirely different impression of who I am.

For the last 5-6 years or so, I just nod and agree. I can’t be arsed with people taking offence to what I think. I’m really easy going, I couldn’t give a shit about what anyone else thinks about anything, if they are a laugh, I’ll be their friend, but all I’ve learned in life is that most people aren’t like that.

I don’t want a debate on what I personally think about things, so I’ll keep it in my head. Life’s too short to get riled up because someone thinks a different way to you.

ETA - shit didn’t realise this was a zombie thread.