Friend's controlling girlfriend

[BiancaBlue]

I have a male friend I've been mates with for 10+ years. Never been in a relationship and never fancied each other. We see each other about once a month. When we do it's either in the pub with a group of mutual friends, or sometimes we go to gigs together. It's never been an issue with either of our partners over the years until now.

His girlfriend is very controlling and I think he's starting to see it. They went on a night out the other night, and she accused him of going outside to call me (it was 2am and he did not call me, or anyone. He went to the toilet). He showed her his call records so she could see he hadn't text or called anyone but she accused him of deleting a call to me. All came to a head last night when he told her he can be friends with whoever he likes and she threatened to kill herself (apologised after but shocking behaviour). She doesn't have any problem with the rest of our friend group, just me, and we probably see each other the least as I'm a single mum and don't have much time. I only know all this because she wouldn't talk to me when we all went out and I asked him directly what the problem was.

What baffles me is that we really are just friends. See each other every so often. Usually in a group. Don't have social media so only ever talk via WhatsApp and it's always 'you coming to the pub with X and X tonight?'. Occasionally ask him for advice re work as we both work in a similar field but that's once in a blue moon.

I feel very uncomfortable about being argued over, and it makes it awkward when she comes out with everyone as I know she thinks I'm up to something (I'm bloody not!), that I just don't go when I know she's going to be there.

Has anyone ever come across this before? Being fixated in for seemingly no reason? Horrible feeling of having done something wrong when I haven't.

Bumping

How do you know all of this? Has your Friend told you? You say you only talk about work or the casual "are you going to
The pub with x and x "

If he has been telling you about them arguing over you then maybe he does see you as more than friends? And maybe wants to see your reaction ?

Yes she does sound rather controlling but I don't understand the above if you say you only chat once a month then how do you know all of this .. it's quite personal

I wouldn't worry too much about her. I think it's up to him to sort out this situation

Sort of. Not quite the same scenario as you. And I suppose I've been the one being a bit crazy about an old boyfriend and one of his female friends (defo not as crazy as your friend's girlfriend though!)

Ultimately you need to understand it isn't about you. She's insecure and doesn't trust him. She's fixated on you, but it could probably have been anyone.

I knew my husband was for me because he's friends with a few of his exes and I don't care. I'm even friends with one of them myself now!

Relationships like that rarely last unless he's willing to be controlled, or she gets over it.

Try not to let it get to you too much. There's really not much you can do about it yourself x

If she's threatening to off herself over you, then you can imagine what else she will threaten over myriad other issues.

Be there for your mate on the other side, it's likely he will need support to extricate himself from this.

He doesn't see me as more than a friend. She's asked other people in our friendship group if we ever dated. She's made it very obvious so the conversation has come up more than once. I'm just sick of it.

I've backed off male friendships sometimes when their partner seems to take a dislike to me. I've also stopped speaking to male friends at the request of my partner.
I guess if you do value him as a friend you'll accept he may have to make a choice. If I were you I'd accept the fact you might not be able to be mates properly again until/if he chooses to spilt up with her.

I would never stop speaking to a platonic male friend at the request of a partner though. I've never had to thankfully.

I have a mixed group of friends and experience something similar. In my case though, the gf eventually made it difficult for him to see any of the women in the group...and then anyone in the group. They broke up after a few years and he reached out again, with some awful experiences including DV, death threats etc.

I can't suggest much other than being a supportive friend and accepting he might feel the need to choose.

She doesn't have any problem with the rest of our friend group, just me, and we probably see each other the least as I'm a single mum and don't have much time.

Clearly she thinks, rightly or wrongly, that there's more to the friendship than you are saying.

There's little you can do about it and you just need to let them get on with it, he shouldn't be repeating things his wife feels about you to you.

It's not his wife it's his gf of 7/8 months.

@BiancaBlue I get it. I did feel that way, but when it came down to it my relationship was more important. That wouldn't have been the case in my previous relationships.

She sounds like she has more red flags than a communist rally. He should ltb

Well you might just be platonic friends but he is being rather disloyal to her by discussing their relationship with you.

Discussing her with you, telling you details of her thoughts and actions.
I think she has a right to be annoyed about that. Perhaps that is why she is not happy with you and him being friends.

Her behaviour is abusive. I think there's a fine line between what aspects of one's relationship is appropriate to talk about with friends or not. Sometimes people need advice on their relationship and their friends are the obvious people to ask! Certainly when someone has found themselves in a controlling and abusive relationship, they should absolutely reach out to their friends. Abuse thrives in secrecy.

OP it is a very concerning situation. She's displayed very controlling and manipulative behaviour, and this is only the stuff he's told you about! He seems to have some awareness that it isn't right, but it doesn't sound like he's planning on ending things.

Unfortunately there's not much you can do. Depending on how close you are, you could gently bring up that you have some concerns about the relationship, but when taking this approach you have to be very careful not to be too critical of the abuser. Otherwise, you just have to let him realise in his own time.

Yes of course OP's friend should be able to confide in friends about his relationship. Everyone should have that right.
But if it is OP who is the source of the girlfriend's anxiety it doesn't seem appropriate to chose her as his confidente. Telling her all the things his girlfriend thinks about his relationship to OP. A breach of confidence. He is reinforcing the perception that he and OP are very emotionally close to the exclusion of his girlfriend.
Surely his confidente about his relationship should be a third party. Someone objective. He is feeding the perception that OP is more than just a casual friend.

Very frustrating situation for you, but there's not much you can do, particularly if he decides to carry on with his relationship on this basis. Be there for him as far as realistically possible, I guess.

I've had this happen to me, multiple times. Too many to just be coincidence. Friend who is a guy, girlfriend gets particularly insecure about me and my mere existence causes arguments between them. I'd then hear about it from the male friend.

I ended up with a theory about it. I'm not a particularly attractive women, I'd be the ugliest girl friend these guys would have a lot of the time, yet I was the one the partners would be insecure about... I wondered if the girlfriends got insecure because they assumed me being friendly with their boyfriend was me being desperate, and trying to be with him or something?

Obviously i wasn't trying to get with any of them (have never had too much trouble dating for myself, actually!), but maybe the girlfriends viewed my interest in their boyfriends that way instead of as friendship? Maybe they viewed me as someone with few options besides being a snake because of my looks.

In the end I realised that whatever the reason, life is just a lot calmer if I pulled away from any male friends this happened with. I don't want to upset another woman, and I don't like the drama. Leave them to sort it.

Thankfully doesn't happen at all anymore after 30. This was more teenage/20s stuff.

He told a whole group of us in tears whilst in crisis. They are supporting him. I have backed off in the knowledge that he is being supported. Should I have packed up and left?

I was a young single mum for a number of years and other women treated me like I was the devil and definitely out to steal their men. There is an assumption that single mums are on the hunt for a man and, particularly, their man.

Funnily enough, when I settled down with my now DH, they all wanted to be my friend again.

There is nothing you can do except be there when it all goes wrong, if she is as she sounds then I would be questioning his judgement and maybe suggest making better choices next time

It appears she has issues but it is nothing to do with you

Well if you put the fact he told a whole group of people in one of your posts I'm really sorry I missed that. I was under the impression he told you on a one to one basis.
I'm sorry but I feel if he is so unhappy he is sitting in tears talking to a whole group of people about his girlfriends behaviour then obviously it's time the relationship ended. He isn't happy and tbh I don't think it's fair on her to have their relationship subjected to public scrutiny in this way if she isn't there to put her side of the story.

It's clear to me he is in an abusive relationship. I wouldn't be backing off him and standing firm beside him whilst he decides what he wants to do. I would absolutely be there as a listening ear for him and help support him.

What have the other friends done to support him? Is he getting good advice from them? Does it seem like he'll end the relationship soon?

Quite honestly I'd just be there on the sidelines quietly supporting him with the others and bollocks to the gf - she's been there all of 5 minutes and creating massive issues. I doubt anyone particularly likes her.

She sounds nuts for sure, however, there are plenty of women and men who aren't comfortable with their partners friendships with opposite sex people and I understand why. Me and my husband don't do 'friends' like that. Work is work but outside of work the few friends we have that are opposite sex come over to the house to visit or we'll be over at theirs with a group of people- never alone. It's not something we ever explicitly agreed it just naturally happened as we became more serious with each other. It wouldn't work for everyone but it works for us as a sign of respect for each other. If I were you I would back off from him a bit and let him know that you are here if you need him but give him time to realise how crackers this one is on his own.

Nope, she is abusive. Nothing about her behaviour is OK and this is victim-blaming bullshit.

I agree with you @Everythingiscalmfornow

She sounds like she has some attachment issues, hence the drama. However, I'm highly sceptical whenever a male goes moaning about his partner to a female friend because;

You won't be getting the full picture. There's usually more to it than she's crazy and jealous for absolutely no reason.

Him confiding in you is feeding into the jealousy, and reaffirming her beliefs (whether they're true or not)