Friend's controlling girlfriend

[BiancaBlue]

I have a male friend I've been mates with for 10+ years. Never been in a relationship and never fancied each other. We see each other about once a month. When we do it's either in the pub with a group of mutual friends, or sometimes we go to gigs together. It's never been an issue with either of our partners over the years until now.

His girlfriend is very controlling and I think he's starting to see it. They went on a night out the other night, and she accused him of going outside to call me (it was 2am and he did not call me, or anyone. He went to the toilet). He showed her his call records so she could see he hadn't text or called anyone but she accused him of deleting a call to me. All came to a head last night when he told her he can be friends with whoever he likes and she threatened to kill herself (apologised after but shocking behaviour). She doesn't have any problem with the rest of our friend group, just me, and we probably see each other the least as I'm a single mum and don't have much time. I only know all this because she wouldn't talk to me when we all went out and I asked him directly what the problem was.

What baffles me is that we really are just friends. See each other every so often. Usually in a group. Don't have social media so only ever talk via WhatsApp and it's always 'you coming to the pub with X and X tonight?'. Occasionally ask him for advice re work as we both work in a similar field but that's once in a blue moon.

I feel very uncomfortable about being argued over, and it makes it awkward when she comes out with everyone as I know she thinks I'm up to something (I'm bloody not!), that I just don't go when I know she's going to be there.

Has anyone ever come across this before? Being fixated in for seemingly no reason? Horrible feeling of having done something wrong when I haven't.

And as a friend, I'm not sure how much of this I could put up with. If it's this bad that she's threatening to kilo herself, and he's done nothing but he faithful - at 7 months in - just leave.

I'm sorry but I feel if he is so unhappy he is sitting in tears talking to a whole group of people about his girlfriends behaviour then obviously it's time the relationship ended. He isn't happy and tbh I don't think it's fair on her to have their relationship subjected to public scrutiny in this way if she isn't there to put her side of the story.

I agree that is sounds like it's time for the relationship to end. But she's being abusive and it's not unfair of him to discuss that with his friends.

She sounds nuts for sure, however, there are plenty of women and men who aren't comfortable with their partners friendships with opposite sex people and I understand why.

But it sounds like OP and this man are just in the same mixed sex friendship group.

Now usually I'd agree with you, but given she's threatened to kill herself if he leaves her/continues to talk to OP (I forget the insane reasoning) I think it parks her squarely in the crazy and jealous category. I suspect it's not just the OP she takes issue with behind the scenes. You can't be threatening to off yourself regardless of the reason! It's pure manipulative abuse.

Also, why are there suggestions that he not talk to OP so he doesn't hurt this whackos feelings and "make" her more insecure? Are we looking out for the wellbeing of abusive nutjobs now? Insane.

Also to note - this is more of a general comment not just aimed at this particular poster.

This has happened to me twice - both quite a long time ago, when we were in our 20s. Some people are just very insecure and jealous. Nothing to be done about it really. I ended up backing off the friendships to prevent causing difficulties which was sad but ultimately their choice not to maintain them.

Personally I couldn’t stay with someone like that. It’s a deeply unattractive quality and having a jealous partner who didn’t trust me would make me end the relationship. It sounds like he should too, but it’s his decision.

To be honest, it's kind of pointless speculating. We're now hearing this story third hand. It's possible that she does have a reason to be upset but the reaction is abusive due to emotional immaturity, desperation or just being manipulative. Or it's possible she's the type of genuine crazy person you see in true crime.

"He isn't happy and tbh I don't think it's fair on her to have their relationship subjected to public scrutiny in this way if she isn't there to put her side of the story."

Agreed, I well always move conversation along and shut down any of my female friends who discuss abuse they've suffered unless they've brought their partner along to provide context

I as I said previously he is perfectly entitled to and should confide in someone about his concerns regarding the relationship.
But personally I find the idea of him sitting in front of a whole group of people discussing her - she did this , she said the other - actually quite distasteful. And, if he is in tears , quite performative. He may be telling things as he experienced them. He may be being truthful he may be exagerating. Nobody knows the truth of their relationship apart from him and his girlfriend. To me it comes over as him trying to get people on his side.
If he really is concerned about hi relationship there seems better ways of getting advice and help than putting things on public display where he is sure everyone is going to be on his side, rather than getting objective considered advice.
If girlfriend to know she and her relationship is being openly discussed in this way and she is effectively being ganged up against by all his friends then it's hardly going to have any other effect than worsening her behaviour. If indeed her behaviour is as bad as he is telling all his social group. Nobody knows do they?

Also, why are there suggestions that he not talk to OP so he doesn't hurt this whackos feelings and "make" her more insecure? Are we looking out for the wellbeing of abusive nutjobs now? Insane.

@Bringthejury1 Agreed! I'm surprised how many comments seem to be suggesting OP just needs to back off this 10+ year friendship because it's making his possessive girlfriend uncomfortable.

Can't help but feel that gender is relevant here, and that if it were a man behaving this way, people would call it what it is: abuse.

I can see why this makes you feel uncomfortable. It is pretty horrible. I don’t think there’s much you can do about it, unfortunately, other than let it play out between your friend and his gf.

I don’t agree that he is being disloyal to his gf by telling you about their issues. Particularly as he didn’t rush to tell you, it only came out because you picked up on her behaviour being off.

I hope it plays out well and you keep your friend without being sucked into any more drama.

Don’t think people are suggesting she back off for the sake of the girlfriend. I agree her behaviour is too much and the guy should not be with someone like that. But I backed off in two friendships (i.e. didn’t instigate messaging as much) because while I thought it was bonkers, I just didn’t want to be involved. I didn’t stop hanging out when they would be there or anything, I just didn’t initiate contact. It was sad, but up to them to decide what they wanted to do. Certainly wouldn’t be my choice but I do think a lot of men place relationships above friendships.

That suggests a very low estimation of friendship if you’re prepared to drop longterm friends once they’re in relationships with insecure people! I can’t imagine wanting to resume a friendship with someone who ditched me when they were seeing someone — it would mark them out as deeply superficial.

OP, I wouldn’t do anything. You’ve done nothing wrong, obviously, and are not responsible for either your friend’s choice of girlfriend OR her insecurities.

@HoarseSoprano I don't think it's superficial at all. It's what happens sometimes in life. I don't regret stopping certain male friendships at all. My partner is much more important.

Women sit in groups and complain about men then turn on the waterworks why is it different for a man?

I’ve been with DH for 30 years, very happily, but I wasn’t to know that when I first started seeing him. If I’d dumped longterm male friendships that predated him as soon as he and I got together, it’s perfectly possible I’d have ended good friendships for a passing fling. Also, it’s not like there’s one sole ‘male spot’ in my life.

You have a good friend there, OP. Several platonic male friends have dropped me and other females in our friendship group because their new girlfriend didn’t like us being friends. Their girlfriends have said they were “scared of us” and they wouldn’t have sex with their boyfriends while we were still friends with them.

@HoarseSoprano I hear you. I dropped this friendship when I had been with my DP for 10 years already. I wouldn't drop friendships for casual dates/ flings etc!

Ah but this is a man. When men are abused they are not to talk to other people about their problems, not to be "performative" or cry about being in an abusive situation. They are to be distanced from and looked at with suspicion because we "don't have the full story from his partners side".

Funny how we advocate for women to speak up about abuse, be there for those women who we suspect are being abused (even when we only have her side) and to never shame a woman for how she presents because - abuse.

Not long ago there was a thread where the OP was ripped to shreds for wanting to ignore a womans cry for help for being abused because she didn't know the woman well and didn't know if what she was saying was true. The disgust from most of the posters that she dared not believe this poor woman and not invite her over for tea so she had a safe space was running riot.

Such hypocrites.

Assuming nothing has ever happened?
My ex had a 'just a friend' that he texted all the time then told me a year later that we're fuck buddies for months at one point until she got a boyfriend. Didn't understand how I thought that was different and he should have told me and shouldn't be texting her so intimately, it was me being jealous and insecure.' My situation sounds different to you though but just double checking!

The threats to kill her self - he shouldn't call her mother and /or the emergency services EVERY time

I think probably you are prettier than her and she is projecting all her many insecurities onto you

They are to be distanced from and looked at with suspicion because we "don't have the full story from his partners side".

It's a bit more nuanced than that. There are two sides to the story, there may be more that explains her upset.

That doesn't mean that threatening to kill yourself isn't abusive. And it doesn't mean that he can't talk to anyone. Enough with the hyperbole.

Had the fella come directly here and written the OP to us himself, it would be different.

Well I think sitting in groups complaining about men is one thing. Giving intimate details of your relationship to a group of people to examine I think is wrong and disloyal to the other person in the relationship , whatever the sex.
Then we have this situation where someone in the group passes on what they have heard as gospel truth, even though they have no way of knowing if it is, to a group of strangers. Albeit on an anonymous forum. We have on this thread pp calling the girlfriend abusive, controlling, " a wacko" as a result of this guy sitting talking to his friends about his relationship and the story, as OP heard it, being posted on here. She knows about the relationship second hand, from one side. People here are hearing it third hand and know even less about the veracity of what he said.
So to repeat myself yes, confide in someone. But to make your relationship and your girlfriend a subject of what is basically gossip is not a good look.

As I seem to have ended up in the position of defending the girlfriend, which wasn't really my intention, i would like to add: the impression I get is a group of established friends are not wanting to admit someone who they see as a newcomer into their group. That OP and the rest of the group would like to see the back of the girlfriend as life was better for them when she wasn't on the scene. So again seeing it from her side perhaps she has valid reason for not being happy about his social life if she has always felt excluded.
But this is pure conjecture as I know nothing about the situation really. Just an impression gained from the thread.

Meh, it'll have to an agree to disagree on this one.

Sounds like my sons ex but she was much worse.

Yes I agree with that: if we heard the story directly from him that would be totally different.
Instead we are hearing from OP who heard his story second hand.
Also OP has an axe to grind in that she clearly thinks her friend should put his friendship with her before his relationship.

So we are not getting first hand information and the information we are getting it from is not an impartial conduit.