Friend's controlling girlfriend

[BiancaBlue]

I have a male friend I've been mates with for 10+ years. Never been in a relationship and never fancied each other. We see each other about once a month. When we do it's either in the pub with a group of mutual friends, or sometimes we go to gigs together. It's never been an issue with either of our partners over the years until now.

His girlfriend is very controlling and I think he's starting to see it. They went on a night out the other night, and she accused him of going outside to call me (it was 2am and he did not call me, or anyone. He went to the toilet). He showed her his call records so she could see he hadn't text or called anyone but she accused him of deleting a call to me. All came to a head last night when he told her he can be friends with whoever he likes and she threatened to kill herself (apologised after but shocking behaviour). She doesn't have any problem with the rest of our friend group, just me, and we probably see each other the least as I'm a single mum and don't have much time. I only know all this because she wouldn't talk to me when we all went out and I asked him directly what the problem was.

What baffles me is that we really are just friends. See each other every so often. Usually in a group. Don't have social media so only ever talk via WhatsApp and it's always 'you coming to the pub with X and X tonight?'. Occasionally ask him for advice re work as we both work in a similar field but that's once in a blue moon.

I feel very uncomfortable about being argued over, and it makes it awkward when she comes out with everyone as I know she thinks I'm up to something (I'm bloody not!), that I just don't go when I know she's going to be there.

Has anyone ever come across this before? Being fixated in for seemingly no reason? Horrible feeling of having done something wrong when I haven't.

OP heard it first hand tbf.

I understand why you would want to stay away from group nights out when you know she will be there but while you’re missing out you will probably also be fuelling her belief that something is going on between you. She might convince herself that you stayed away because you can’t bear to see them together or trust yourself to keep your hands off him.🙄

If that’s possible, don’t miss out because of her.

Not sure this is a healthy attitude at all. I've always had male friends and DH has never expressed any concerns. If he ever asked me to stop seeing a male friend, I'd seriously reconsider our relationship!

@SallyWD I know what you mean. But in this particular case it was the right decision. I wouldn't do it for someone unless they were my life partner. But the friend in question had quite a few negative traits and wasn't actually all that good for me anyway. He was a bit of a narcissist.
Of course noone should be coerced into breaking off friendships by someone. It just so happened this was the right thing to do.

Just stay out of it, he has a group of friends supporting him, he'll figure it out (or not!) but either way, it makes you uncomfortable and presumably you don't want the drama

I think there is a type of person male or female who has never had opposite sex friends and who genuinely cannot understand them. They only give someone their time when attraction is involved which to me seems very narrow minded but it's common, I've seen it countless times here on MN too. So in GF head he can only possibly be talking to you because he is attracted to you and he will also have to break any other female friendships off. Its up to him but this is major red flags, I hope he leaves her really soon.

My default is usually to take the woman's side. But there are some serious red flags in her behaviour here and based on what you're saying, it's not a man lying but this behaviour is being seen, in person, by lots of people.

She is clearly very jealous and insecure. As the single female friend, you are therefore the target of her ire but more likely this will increase and your male friend will quickly find that she doesn't like him going to the gym (too many hot girls), out with the lads (if you get drunk and land up getting a lap dance), spending time with family (they don't like me, how can you choose them over me) etc etc.

The suicide threat is absolutely 100% completely OTT and wrong and a HUGE red flag. Frankly, even if your friend is a complete dick, that wouldn't make her behaviour okay.

your friend needs to get out now, while he can. Unfortunately, people with this sort of narcissistic tendency are very very good at getting their claws into people and the chances are he won't.

His relationship is none of your business and you can't control what his GF chooses to make an issue about in their private exchanges. Only he can do that by finishing with her if he isn't happy. He should really not have caused you discomfort by telling you all of this. Very inappropriate to 'confide' in the innocent subject of their argument when clearly he has multiple other options if he needs to share.
I really dislike when people triangulate like this. He is basically using you to say "Oh how awful, poor you!" knowing you're going to be particularly receptive because it's about you. Its also an appeal to your vanity that you are a threat.
Don't allow yourself yo be used this way. Tell him it's really not appropriate to bring you into it, and that you hope he manages to resolve it. If she's that bad, he knows what to do.

Yes I had this. I'd been friends with a guy for about 7 years and then I set him up with the GF who had been a friend of mine. Suddenly I became some sort of sex obsessed threat to their existence and they were both convinced I was after him, despite never having shown any interest in him.

I lost the whole friendship group we were in and when they broke up a few years later, she sent me a batshit message lamenting me for not checking in on her post breakup and that made me a bad friend - I hadn't spoken to her in years at this point and when I pointed this out this she told me I was just jealous because I was too fat for men to like me!

He refused to speak to me whenever I bumped into him for years afterwards then went through a phase of contacting me on every medium possible, but wanted me to apologise before he would explain what he wanted.

Naturally I told him to shove it. Batshit the pair of them.

This happened to me recently, or at least I’m pretty sure it did. Friend got together with someone who had rather cruelly messed him around romantically in the past and the relationship progressed very quickly. They spent almost all their free time together. There were quite a few glaring red flags on her part but I didn’t say anything. He asked if I’d be up for going out as a trio, I said yes. Shortly afterwards we were chatting on WhatsApp and he ghosted me mid-conversation. I haven’t heard from him for months. Maybe I’m wrong and he just got bored of me but based on what he’d told me about her, I suspect she didn’t like him meeting me.

While I think it’s good for your friend to open up to people about this (and clearly he is being abused) I think it’s unfair to discuss it with you. Fair enough if he was saying ‘I’m really sorry but X doesn’t want me seeing you anymore so I won’t be able to meet from now on’, but he’s going to carry on seeing her, and you, regardless. What are you supposed to do with that information? What does he expect you to say? He’s involved you unnecessarily in the drama.

In my experience of people in abusive relationships, and from being in them myself, they just have to run their course. Yes you can point out that they’re being abused and offer practical help and signpost, but beyond that there’s not much you can do or say to make someone see sense. He has other support so backing off sounds like the right decision.

I've experienced it as well - I've always had mixed friendship groups and some of my best friends are men. I've never changed my behaviour, backed off from the friendship, or really given much heedance if my/their partners object to my platonic friendship with people I've known for years.

It's up to him to decide whether he'd like to continue in his miserable relationship, and not necessaey for you to change anything you're currently doing. If it's a deal breaker for her then she can jog on.

Absolutely this. Some of my male friends have been in my life for more than 30 years. I’d be far poorer in my life if I let their relationship status determine my friendships.

I have a friend who male, gorgeous and very nearly young enough to be my child. I am old and fat and happily married and STILL some of his girlfriends have been jealous of me. It isn't about what you do, it's a thing with them.