To wonder if addiction is a choice

[BarbaraAnnee]

I am sorry if this sounds insensitive to some people but I just wondered what people thought of this. A relative of mine is an alcoholic and due to her being unfit, her parents have had to permanently look after her DD. I feel so bad for her and just wondered if she really loved her DD she would just stop drinking?

*TW ED

To be fair though plenty of people with these conditions don’t choose to seek help either and it impacts those close to them sometimes just as much.

Think about anorexia, which has the highest mortality rate of any mental health condition. There is a lot that happens before ‘I’m going to restrict what I eat’ to being very distressed by eating and potentially dying. There is a wide range of trauma or adversity that can trigger this. There are also specific personality traits seen. People can eventually get put on a pathway where they will not be offered any more nhs in patient treatment which means the disease is likely fatal. Even at a very young age. The restriction is a different type of way to ‘self-medicate’ than drugs. People leave children behind and the illness can be devastating for families too, just like alcoholism.

Trust me I know what it's like as a child/family of addicts. I didn't pick up and instantly become addicted. I was addicted to pain killers prescribed to me by the doctor! The substance really doesn't matter though and not once did i think my family had to "suck it up" I've done lots of hard work making amends and still make ongoing amends for the harm I caused even to my mum who caused me great harm during her addiction. I don't expect you to get it so let's agree to disagree on this one. I chose one day to get clean because I knew I had to or I'd die. Simple as that. It wasn't fucking easy though I was in lots of pain physically and emotionally but I was determined. Lots of times it's cos people are taken out of society and into a treatment centre to detox.

Also there is a lot of support out there for families of addicts. They teach you tools on how to deal with it cos I know it's really really hard. This is what keeps me clean today, I don't want to put my family through any more pain. This is a subject I feel really strongly about

My mother is an alcoholic.

All of my life I’ve felt she chose it. She chose not to stop. She chose to go to the shop and buy wine, why not just stop. The lies. She was sectioned and came out and started straight up again.

She chose to ruin my childhood and to some extent my life. I’m a damaged person that trusts nobody. She will never stop therefore in my eyes she’s chosen to drink over me, and to me it is a choice.

This is interesting as I always wondered why I was able to stop painkillers even though I took them for a while and liked the feeling, one day I just thought no, this isnt how my life is going and just stopped.

Your brain is wired differently. Mine doesn't know when to stop with anything! I just thought oh it won't happen to me but it did and before I knew it I was rattling like fuck when I didn't have any then it wasn't a choice any more. They didn't feel good anymore. The drugs stop working after a while and it's using against your will but stopping is so painful. I was taking so many a day that I had to stop or I was gonna damage my health or die.

I am so sorry, can I just ask, when did you get to a point where you thought, I am going to take more than prescribed. Did it just escalate from that point. I am interested in this as I can absolutely see how somebody can get addicted to opioids.

My doctor kept on putting them on repeat prescription and I could have carried on, I really could but I could could see the end result and it wasnt good and just stopped.

I was prescribed them after I had my son by c section. Was in a DV relationship and my newborn was so poorly when he was born and in hospital for 6 weeks. Like you, I thought I won't take them cos I like the way they make me feel. I then hurt my back when my DS was a year old so doc gave me codeine. It went from there, getting from friends, mum, doc. Dihydrocodeine, codeine, tramadol etc etc and I just gradually built up a tolerance.
Went from bad to worse in 2016 and I started taking coke too after a trauma I went through. I just crossed an invisible line and nearly lost everything. The doc was giving me 112 pills every 8 or 9 days and I was taking more on top.
Finally got clean in 2021 and been clean since. Was a long hard road

How many pills was taking each day? well done by the way, that is such an achievement, you should be very proud of yourself.

Yes addicts steal, especially gambling addicts. It's horrific and it hurts a lot of people. I'm truly sorry for what he put you through. I've had gambling issues too so yes I do somewhat understand what was going on in his head. Such is the hatred towards gamblers I didn't even want to admit it on here. I started real young, on fruit machines at like age nine in the arcades. I'm not sure how I could've known at that age to avoid fruit machines because I have an addictive personality but that's what gave me the taste for it. I don't know if they still let kids play on them, but they did when I was growing up. I was basically hooked from then on.

I have no dependants either, that certainly does make a difference. I can't say how I'd be if I had kids and was trying to manage an addiction. It's hard to imagine how low you can let yourself fall. But I don't see it as "addicts care more about addiction than their family" it's not as simple as that. Maybe it was true in your dad's case, but you seem to be talking for all gambling addicts which is what I objected to. It's understandable after what you've experienced though.

I've never struggled with smoking and it would be easy for me to say that quitting smoking is a piece of cake, it's so easy to avoid cigarettes.
Whereas a gambler is going to struggle every single time they have funds available. That's why most of them have to surrender all their access to money to family members to get to grips with their addiction. But it's not really fair to say one addiction is selfish and one isn't.

Personally I cant imagine how hard an eating disorder would be to overcome as you have to eat every day.

About 16-20 some days. Like I said it crept up on me and I was in a hole I couldn't get out of. I was physically addicted as well as mentally. Like my sponsor told me, once you lose the obsession to use drugs you then have a choice. However we never lose the desire. For a non addict to understand how our brain works is impossible and I really wouldn't expect you to. I can totally understand why you would think it's a choice. It is to begin with yes but it very quickly stops being a choice when the addiction takes hold. In the beginning I took drugs because a) I liked them and they felt good and b) they quietened down my very noisy and busy head

Call all addictions/addicts selfish and self-absorbed if you like, I wouldn't disagree with you.

You had no dependents so bluntly, it doesn't matter what you do/did. It bloody does matter when you bring children into the world and don't look after them, put your selfish wants/needs above them.

I don't know all the gamblers in the world, I have no idea what you're like, but I know what gambling is like up close and personal and I have no wish to see it again.

I remember my ex gambling a thousand pounds and thinking, our son needs shoes. I could never make excuses for him and I'll always remember it

Was that the prescription strength stuff or was you buying them OTC. The paracetamol alone could have killed you

A bit of both. Yeah it's scary cos it could have and now i struggle to take it 😩

Well it is and it isn't...

For some people it's a much harder choice than others. Addiction can make you very self absorbed.
It can seem from the outside like someone wants to be doing what they are doing and doesn't care about anyone or anything else... but that's part of an addiction problem.
Alot of people who overcome addiction turn out not to be selfish or unsensitive to others at all.

I mean if my drinking had in some way impacted on my children.. or I was told to never drink again or my kids would be taken away.. I'd obviously immediately stop. But that is why no one is suggesting that to me! Obviously it's easy for me because I'm not an alcoholic.
The whole deal with addiction is that stopping is incredibly hard. So hard that sometimes people just can't even when everything they ever cared about in life is at stake.
But then again some people with addiction problems do make the choice to stop... but it's a long road that is very very hard.

So yeah in a way its a choice to stop... but it's not like its a choice for you, a person who is not an alcoholic.
And no one chooses to become an alcoholic. It IS a disease.
I know as I've worked with many and you'll hear about how it felt when they had their first drink, how they got out of control.. and as someone who has enjoyed a drink themselves you can really tell the difference. I can easily take or leave alcohol. I can have a beer at a party then go home and not drink again for months without even thinking about it.
Some people.. there's just something about them.. and it can be any type of person from any walk of life.. just develop an addiction to alcohol. So that's not a choice and it's very very hard for people who that happens to.
I do think it's one of the worst addictions to have because alcohol is such a normal part of life in this country and its everywhere. Very hard to get away from. And you'll see all these other people easily drinking in moderation whilst you completely go off the rails.
And they won't understand why you can't just stop like they can.
Alcoholism is really sad.

Oh dear, just to be clear, I was actually talking about attitudes to illness, of whatever type.
As you were.

If you have an addictive personality you'll find something to use to escape. If you're not addicted to substances then it'll probably be junk food or spending money instead. Things you can't avoid that give you that buzz or feeling of comfort. Or maybe prescription drugs through illness/accident and no fault of your own.

Like the examples I've given of myself-binge eating from as young as I can remember, fruit machines from age nine, hell I even got addicted to playing pogs when they were the latest craze in primary school! I guess that's why they ended up banning them. I loved them in a way most of the other kids didn't, because my brain is wired that way even from childhood, and I wasn't getting any buzz from life. There are plenty of things to get addicted to, many of them unavoidable. I don't have childhood trauma (unless I've repressed something) so it was just about trying to get a feeling of happiness that I wasn't getting in life for some reason (lack of chemicals in the brain probably) like others do.

It's probably subconscious at first and it creeps up on you. People are weak, it's not so easy to just turn off addiction. There are many things in life we struggle to control from falling love with the wrong person to jealousy to grief to depression etc. you don't expect people to be able to control these things 100% and say to them "oh just get over it, stop letting it affect you" because it's not that simple. The difference being the more you indulge in the addictive behaviours the worse they get.

Just wanted to say this then I'm out. A recovering addict is a strong person, we fight every single day, battles some know nothing about. The substance is irrelevant and it can be other things such as food or gambling. Someone said addicts are weak. We certainly are not weak. We just made mistakes and I personally work every day to fix mine.

@BarbaraAnnee
"No these people do not self medicate with drugs to help them escape their problems, they get help for their actual issue instead of using drugs to escape it. Drugs are usually to avoid the feeling that these mental health issues bring."

When I was struggling with anxiety and depression I contacted my GP surgery for help.

The help I got was anti depressants- aka drugs! Just these were prescribed drugs so more socially acceptable , though did still get a lot of shit for taking the medication I needed to lift me out of a black hole.

Oh and also an app with audio recordings of relaxing/CBT tapes. That was it.

The anti depressants were great for me and really helped but had I not been able to get help I can see why people turn to other drugs to help soften/block out feelings.

I empathise. My mother and step father were abusive. My mum has a number of mental health issues and spent periods of my childhood in psychiatric hospitals. Stepfather died of his alcoholism. When I was in recovery for my addictions I did a lot of work on my psychological scars from all this. In DBT therapy.

We recovering addicts don't shy away from the damage we did to others as a result of our addictions. In fact we have to confront it directly in order to recover. Step 9 of the 12 Steps is where I had to contact EVERYONE I wronged due to my addictions, admit what I did, LISTEN and internalise their feelings about it, and make amends. Importantly, the other person is not obliged to forgive and we are told we should not demand nor expect forgiveness. We may not deserve it.

Not gonna lie it was HARD. Not many people have to go see a friend or relative they've not seen in years, sit in front of them, admit to all the dreadful things they did and then listen to the other person's perspective. I had to learn humility. It definitely shocked me, and made me a much better family member and friend. Part of ongoing recovery is working that every day, making amends where we go wrong.

So yeah 12 step recovery, a big part of it, is directly confronting all the harm one did to others as a result of one's addiction. This means that 12 step recovery is hard but also I believe why it has the highest proven success rate of any addiction treatment.

Anyway, I am sorry for all the hurt you suffered and wish you nothing but the very best.

A lot of it is just selfishness. And not being held accountable. There is help and support available for alcoholics (any addict) , if they want it, many don't. We all have to battle with parts of our personality. Can you honestly stand there and say you've done all you can? All of us?

Can you tell me what free help is available for someone with alcoholism who also needs a medical detox?

I will give you a hint to get you going - medical detox is only very rarely available in SOME NHS trusts.