To feel deflated at this offer of a long distance relationship

[littletesco]

Made a big effort to turn up at a milestone birthday of an ex from 25 years ago. We have always shared mutual friends and been on good terms but not really in touch. I drove 3 hrs there just to pop in really and to show up and then stayed at a hotel.

Called in to the family gathering today (on invitation) just to say bye before leaving the area and we made actual plans to meet up soon, not leave it years etc then birthday boy gave me a hug and said I love you and "let's have a long distance relationship"

Maybe I'm just overtired but it just felt kind of insulting that my efforts to "show up" were seen as a chance to jump straight in and offer me what exactly 😭

Anyone else hear this in translation; hey now you're right here in front of me I may as well proposition you but I'll come right out and say there's no future in it and I'll never consider making any commitment to you but how about an occasional shag?

Drove 3 hours back feeling very deflated and just now thinking this is why.

Yeah he doesn't love you.

What a knob.

What realistically could he offer you if the distance is so big? And if you haven’t been in a relationship with each other yet?

He told you he loved you and offered a relationship. What more were you expecting?

Sorry but I don’t understand what else he could have suggested? What would you want him to say?

So confused. What were you expecting?

Well I thought the plans we made to meet up in a few weeks time would be nice...but it felt like he couldn't be arsed to do that unless it was an immediate "long term relationship". Just felt disrespected after making a huge effort to show and his birthday is the same as my brothers whom we lost a few years ago and whom he knew well. Probably the whole family gathering of old faces etc made me feel my brothers absence, and even though he may not have been at all sensitive to that, I just felt "hit on" in a shoddy, opportunistic way.

When you went to the celebrations, were you there as a friend or were you there hoping for something more? I guess that's the crux of it. If you were hoping for a declaration of love, I guess you got it in the only realistic (for now) way it could be offered.

Thanks for coming and it would be lovely to stay in touch, you're important to me and I'll see you in a few weeks.

If I cared about someone I wouldn't walk them to the car then hit them with this.

There as a friend definitely.

What were you hoping would happen when you rocked up at an ex's birthday You don't really speak to him much, but drove 3 hours to 'just pop in'? I'd be presuming you wanted to rekindle the relationship based on that behaviour.

It’s weird you went in the first place. He could have offered you a quick shag for old times sake but instead he did something else more meaningful. If I were him I’d be staying well clear.

Your ex from 25 years ago? And you drove 3 hours to attend his birthday party? Why?

I don't really understand why you are offended when it seems more he put himself on the line?? Or was it that he didn't speak to you the rest of the time or something?? Did you spend much time together last night ?any romantic vibes ?

You’ve not really been in touch but drove three hours to his birthday? That’s quite an intense thing to do…

Thanks for coming and it would be lovely to stay in touch, you're important to me and I'll see you in a few weeks.
Imo he’s suggested he wants more than this.

I wasn't expecting any declaration...I suppose I just feel my efforts to show up and be a friend were meant to acknowledge we had spent 10 years together a long time ago and that was important.

I just feel not valued as a friend at all...just someone to be hit on because a random opportunity arose.

Maybe he does have feelings for me but I'd have thought a few texts and a few meet ups would come before the offer of "a long distance relationship"

I could be wrong and maybe he is sincere in his feelings. I can't quite explain why I felt deflated. Just came here really to see if anyone could see why I would.

I might get a good sleep and wake up asking myself why was I overthinking and starting threads about it 😭

I wouldn't like it either, but it could be he just spoke clumsily in the moment.

Yes this. Who "pops in" after a 3 hour frive to visit an ex.

As you said you made a 'big effort', I don't think it's unreasonable for him to assume you might be there for something more. Perhaps he always loved you. Perhaps you were the one who got away.

Surely it's worth a talk with him about logistics and what the future might look like to see if its worth considering

I didn't rock up...I was invited along with a whole group of mutual uni friends and he made the effort to travel and showed for my brothers funeral which ultimately made me decide to make an effort to attend the party.

I was actually thinking well if he died I'd go to his funeral so how silly not to make the same effort for a birthday.

I wouldn’t go 25 yards for an ex! He’s an ex but he thought you were up for it. 3 hours drive! You must have been slightly wanting something!

I think because he seems happy to toss away the friendship over not much. Men always seem to do that. But on the other hand, maybe we overestimate male friendship in the first place.

I think maybe this...I went as a friend as a kind of reunion with many other people I hadn't seen for decades who had travelled from overseas etc. I popped in because I wanted to show up but knew I wouldn't want to drink or would get emotional about my bro and obviously that wasn't the time or place. I mean I stayed an hour at least and didn't arrive till well after if started.

I feel a bit as if my friendship is not a thing to be valued.

I'm wondering now if it was weird me going and I've given the wrong impression by actually attending at all. Maybe I'm the odd one 😭

This is a fair point. I hadn't considered this. Maybe he'd had a few drinks and was hungover and just clumsy. I'm probably conflating all of my grief with this and massively overthinking it.

I don’t understand why you made that much bother for an ex from such a long time ago, but you don’t even talk with that much