To feel deflated at this offer of a long distance relationship

[littletesco]

Made a big effort to turn up at a milestone birthday of an ex from 25 years ago. We have always shared mutual friends and been on good terms but not really in touch. I drove 3 hrs there just to pop in really and to show up and then stayed at a hotel.

Called in to the family gathering today (on invitation) just to say bye before leaving the area and we made actual plans to meet up soon, not leave it years etc then birthday boy gave me a hug and said I love you and "let's have a long distance relationship"

Maybe I'm just overtired but it just felt kind of insulting that my efforts to "show up" were seen as a chance to jump straight in and offer me what exactly 😭

Anyone else hear this in translation; hey now you're right here in front of me I may as well proposition you but I'll come right out and say there's no future in it and I'll never consider making any commitment to you but how about an occasional shag?

Drove 3 hours back feeling very deflated and just now thinking this is why.

I just made some comment like you need to cover up that head, the suns getting to you! (He'd shaved his remaining hair off and done a hat off baldy reveal at his party) and then talked about hill walking maybe some day 😭

The thing is you talk about wanting to be friends but, from what you say, you haven’t really been friends in the 25 years since your split. You’ve been civil by the sounds of things - friendly when you’ve encountered each other - but not really friends. So your shared history is a romantic/sexual one. And tbh I think in the circumstances you describe men are rarely that interested in just being friends. You didn’t do anything wrong at all but I think you were a bit naive in imagining he’d suddenly want a closer relationship that was on a just friends basis when you’ve never really had that.

I think what he said was too easy and too casual which may be why you feel deflated. If you and he were to rekindle it would be a very big deal - not something dropped lightly into a conversation as you said your goodbyes. It should be something carefully constructed again over time.

Having said that he may have been wishing you and he could be together for ages and it came out wrong. It may have been meant with a lot of real feeling and hope.

It feels like this bloke can't win tbh. Hill walking is a nice suggestion, why the cry emoji? I'm really confused by this thread. Maybe you should make it clear to him what you want?

I can kind of understand why you went to his party - but why did you only stay an hour? You said that there were were lots of friends from your uni days, so what happened? Why did you leave - did you not want to catch up with them, having travelled so far? How much time did you spend talking to your ex before he proposed a long distance relationship? All rather strange.

Sorry for the loss of your brother - that must be so painful.

I do understand that you went to the party hoping maybe to rekindle a more meaningful friendship, and for him to suddenly put love and an LDR on the table sounds confusing and crass.

I think maybe tho, over the next few days, consider the possibility that he actually has strong feelings for you, that he struggled to articulate successfully after all this time, but that in declaring love and mentioning a future relationship he was actually trying to declare those feelings in quite an important way.

It was rushed and awkward and he didn't do it well. That doesn't necessarily mean his feelings weren't genuine and sincere.

I would be blindsided by a declaration of love out of the blue - it's intense. But I would also consider whether this was a relationship I wanted, and whether I might come to return those feelings over time.

Offering an LDR is all he can do at the moment. You live 3 hours apart and it would be sheer madness for either of you to uproot your lives until you have dated for a while and seen whether it can work as a couple. But his comment doesn't necessarily mean it could NEVER be more than an LDR. Just that it is all it could be for now.

Have a think, see whether a relationship with him is in your eyes worth pursuing. If so, maybe tell him you are keen but want to take it slowly - that speaking of love was too much at this point - but that you are open to this are developing.

Or if you aren't, I would gently decline.

Good luck!

I mean I went in the spirit of friendship nothing else. I wasn't "looking for" anything.

Because I arrived late having driven after work, I wasn't drinking and everyone was pretty drunk. It was a crowded and noisy club atmosphere party so easy to say hello to everyone and then go. Maybe it was 1.5 hrs...basically arrived late and left an hour or so before it ended.

@Ilovelurchers yes probably blindsided is a more apt description of how I felt. And thank you for your kind words. I will think it over in light of what you said. Also, looking back, I finished our past relationship because after 10 years there was zero sign of commitment so, although I haven't been dwelling on it for quarter of a century, it's likely I had this in mind too.

OP is getting a hard time on here. I agree with this.

It’s not the exact same situation at all but I had an ex who I kept in touch with intermittently and caught up with occasionally when I was in his city.

He was married and then divorced and our communication increased but I thought I was just there as a friend until he started dropping hints about us rekindling things. I was insulted and eventually cut him off. We started speaking again last year but I’m fairly distant with him as I don’t want a repeat of last time. I think he was also angling for some kind of low effort long distance relationship of convenience. So I understand a little bit about how you feel. It may just have came out wrongly and he didn’t mean to be so abrupt, but perhaps you both need to speak to again and properly discuss your feelings.

And no it’s not weird to drive 3 hours, he’s someone you have a lot of shared history with and I agree that if you would show up at someone’s funeral why not attend their birthdays too? And it might have felt comforting to be there on the anniversary of your brothers funeral seeing him, his family and mutual friends.

And I’m very sorry for your loss, OP. 💐💐

It doesn’t sound at all weird to me, but I’m on good terms with exes from the distant past. If I were single, and went to a lot of trouble to attend a big occasion for one of them, I can entirely imagine him saying ‘God, it was good to see you! Fancy getting back together?’ and for it to be a slightly clumsy joke, but said out of genuine affection, nostalgia etc.

@littleburn
Thank you I'm not sure why I'm getting a hard time and why people are saying I need to make it clear what I want. By this thinking, should I have said, yes I'm coming to your party but don't take that as a green light mate, before I even went? I was blindsided and we hadn't stayed in touch as time and life gets in the way. I don't socialise at all due to my life circumstances which are slowly changing so I tried to make a positive choice not to be a hermit and to turn up.

I probably overwhelmed myself with that decision, the drive, the social event itself and then that on top, which having slept on it, was likely the result of a hangover on his part and maybe I shouldn't have looked so goddamn good after all these years!! (This is my added little positive spin to myself this morning 🤣)

@IsabelleHuppert yes exactly these things happen at events like this. Nostalgia & booze. I've become like a Victorian spinster due to my self imposed lack of socialisation and was aghast at his being so forward. Maybe he should have corresponded by letter and gifted me an embroidered handkerchief before being so bold 😭

Nostalgia for past times and grief for your brother- of course you were sad and emotional. You did nothing weird or wrong in any way. I do understand why his words seemed insensitive, but it's possible he was just feeling emotional too and it came out tactlessly.

Very sad about your brother - my brother died 24 years ago so you have my complete sympathy

@Greenfinch7 thank you and I'm so very sorry for your loss ❤️‍🩹

birthday boy gave me a hug and said I love you and "let's have a long distance relationship"
Perhaps the alcohol gave him the bravado to express what he really feels and wants.
He had to be direct as you were about to leave. There was no time for preambles and niceties. The salient words were “I love you.” Can’t you focus on that rather that LDR? You’re the one that got away, OP.