To feel deflated at this offer of a long distance relationship

[littletesco]

Made a big effort to turn up at a milestone birthday of an ex from 25 years ago. We have always shared mutual friends and been on good terms but not really in touch. I drove 3 hrs there just to pop in really and to show up and then stayed at a hotel.

Called in to the family gathering today (on invitation) just to say bye before leaving the area and we made actual plans to meet up soon, not leave it years etc then birthday boy gave me a hug and said I love you and "let's have a long distance relationship"

Maybe I'm just overtired but it just felt kind of insulting that my efforts to "show up" were seen as a chance to jump straight in and offer me what exactly 😭

Anyone else hear this in translation; hey now you're right here in front of me I may as well proposition you but I'll come right out and say there's no future in it and I'll never consider making any commitment to you but how about an occasional shag?

Drove 3 hours back feeling very deflated and just now thinking this is why.

I'm thinking now maybe it was intense and weird of me to go. I didn't act weird or intense though so I think I got away with it . We do have a lot of mutual friends and I'm still friends with his sister. Wish I'd not gone now 😭

My friend said the same. I decided to go because he and his family travelled and made an effort to get to my brothers funeral a couple of years ago so when I was invited to his birthday celebration I just decided I should make the effort. And as I mentioned upthread it can often seem we do show for funerals as we get older, but not the birthdays. And this seems such a waste.

I suppose he did put himself on the line. It just seemed out of nowhere. No romantic vibes certainly last night.

I don't see why he'd have to see you on a few weeks time and see how it went?

If he is your ex you know how it is together?

So basically he was saying he wants you back in a formal way. Not just as a fwb which is the way most of it goes.

Not sure quite what he did so wrong! I assume he was maybe a bit drunk too?

The question is, would you be interested in a long distance relationship with him, if he had managed to word it better?

Maybe he wanted to say something but didn't have the courage - then when he realised you were about to go he blurted it out.

I’m still confused. Did you go to the celebration with the expectation that the relationship would be rekindled? It’s almost as if you think your big effort to travel so far should have been rewarded with a more romantic gesture. But that’s not really fair, or realistic.

This entire situation seems quite strange. You drove 3 hours to 'pop in' to an ex partner's birthday party a quarter of a century after breaking up. He suggests a long term relationship right before you leave (what?). And your response is sadness.

No i didn't go to rekindle any relationship or to seek a romantic gesture of any kind. I'm not sure why it comes across this way.

OP I think you should drink lots of water, have a berocca, a relaxing bath and get as much sleep as you can tonight. It sounds like emotions were rather heightened over the weekend and you might get some perspective after a day or two.

That's very kind of you...thank you for those words. Possibly you're right. I was quietly feeling emotional for other reasons then was unintentionally overloaded by a hungover guy taking a punt. I'm staying home as usual going forward. Actually not keen on emotions and I will follow this lovely advice you gave me.

I don’t get it , I can’t see what you are offended about , if an ex drives 3 hours to attend a birthday I think I’d think they were still interested in me , it’s weird

Wasn’t it a semi-joke? Born out of heightened emotions, genuinely touched you drove all that way, and remembering what you had ages ago?

Isn't there a huge difference between him ( male ) attending your ( male ) brother's funeral, to you ( female ) going to a ( male ) birthday party ?

did his sister also go to your brother's funeral ?

I don't understand why you're so upset. He'd like a relationship with you but he's hardly going to move or expect you to move without trying dating long distance first. You obviously like him. Give it a go. Don't need to make it harder than it needs to be.

So you're offended that he said he wants a relationship with you and doesn't just want to be your friend...? Maybe I'm misunderstanding you, but that seems like the weirdest take ever on your part.

Possibly yes...then I just overthought it on the way home. It was so out of the blue it seemed like an awkward joke. I know others are saying it was weird of me to go but we have the same mutual friends and I thought over the years (having attended other people's weddings, birthdays, funerals) in the same circle that there was nothing particularly strange about me going.

would have been a bit creepy if he'd announced he was selling up, leaving his job and looking to relocate next door.

OP, I feel for you and I would have been put out by his comment too. Also I expect your emotions were heightened by the pain of knowing it should have been your late brother’s birthday too.

But your ex may not have meant it as cold-bloodedly as it sounded to you. He may have just blurted it out clumsily. Why not meet him again, if you’d like to, and see how things go? Only if you are interested, of course.

Be kind to yourself. I hope you’re feeling better soon.

How did you respond to his offer ?

And you did nothing weird at all. Don’t feel bad about it.

It sounds like you both had a bit too much to drink and/or got carried away by the heightened emotions which are inevitable in these kind of situations. Long journeys inevitably build anticipation and you can add nostalgia to the mix too. Wait and see how you feel in a couple of days.

I am still a bit puzzled about what you want though. Your thoughts seem to be focused on him and what he wants and what he did wrong. But, the most important thing to know is what YOU want. It seems like you don’t know what you want, or at least you haven’t said on this thread. That’s why it’s difficult for people to understand what your problem is with him because we don’t know what your expectations are.

So he's an ex from 25 years ago, but you were together for 10 years and still have friends in common. Plus his family made the effort to be there at your brother's funeral a couple of years ago. Given all of that, I'll go against a lot of the comments and say I don't think it's that odd to be in more reflective place where you'd attend his big birthday celebrations.

I do think it's pretty crass of him to throw in the 'long distance relationship' comment and I can see why that'd bother you. Maybe he still feels something for you, or seeing you again has stirred up old feelings, but that's where 'let's not lose touch' comes in and maybe then see where that goes. 'Up for the occasional low commitment shag' is crude and presumptuous. It's putting a spin on you being there that you didn't intend. I can understand why you're feeling upset about it.

Thank you for giving it thought and putting it into words so well. Yes this is pretty much it! It did put an unintended spin on it. I wanted to be received as an old friend as that's why I went. Now I feel it has all been misconstrued by him and as if he's kind of said ok I'm not interested in being a friend but I would be up for a shag 😭

Thank you x