To think that Dads who don’t care about Mother’s Day also don’t care about Father’s Day?

[Bernadinetta]

Around Mother’s Day there are always posts on here and other social media with complaints of dads being generally useless- either forgetting Mother’s Day or actively choosing not to do anything (“you’re not my mother”).

As it’s now Father’s Day I’ve seen a few posts telling mums to match their husband’s energy- give him a taste of his own medicine, if he got you nothing then make sure you get him nothing, see how he likes it. I’ve seen a skit on TikTok just now where the “dad” gets up on Father’s Day wondering where his gifts and fanfare are and the “mum” with faux surprise says oh, you’re not MY father, and the “dad” is all disappointed.

AIBU to think that Dads who haven’t bothered on Mother’s Day are not going to care at all if they don’t get anything for Father’s Day and it’s not at all the “gotcha!” some people seem to think it is? If they ever realise that it IS Father’s Day, they wouldn’t be fussed at all about receiving a card, a pair of socks, a mug.

My Dh is into these days, I am not. I've asked him time and time again to stop fussing on mothers day, but he does and on fathers day he gets upset if we don't fuss over him. So yes I agree with you OP, either you care or you don't.

We don't celebrate either in this house. We know our kids love us and don't want them spending £££ on cards/flowers/gifts on one particular day created by Hallmark.

I love mother and father's day. We treat then like second birthdays, but with the difference of not singing happy birthday.

We do cards, sometimes presents, but rarely. Usually it is a nice meal, being treated to extra hugs, kisses and being the centre of attention. I made my dh a cake today and we had a tea party with our best China tea set. We went to the park and just sang his praises all day.

It wasn't about presents, but kind gestures and that is what I love about mother and father's day. Appreciating each other as parents. The children love the special day, we all benefit 😊

There is nothing equal about growing a baby and caring for them in their first few months so yes I wanted recognition from my Dh, and if he didn’t care about Father’s Day (he did, but in your hypothesis) he also hadn’t been in the trenches. He hadn’t been miserably unwell for months, lost lots of weight, then barely slept in months while managing anaemia. Why should recognition be equal?

In my house we don't do either. Neither of us cares. It's not part of our family culture.

Out of interest I looked it up as I always assumed Father’s Day was a made uo holiday to sell cards.

Mother’s Day (Of Mothering Sunday) seems to go back to 1907… and Father’s Day to 1508!

If someone is a piece of ISH dad that deserve a casual day

Yeah, my husband isn't bothered about it really to be honest with you. He did get me some flowers and a box of maltesers and a card for Mother's Day, which was quite nice considering I'm not his mother!

Our adult daughter got me a big bunch of roses and took me out for lunch - just me and her - and she got me a bottle of brandy as well. So I was quite spoilt.

DH works different days/varying shifts, and was actually at work Saturday, and today, and is in tomorrow, (Monday.) And he didn't book Fathers Day off. He didn't get in till 3:00 PM today - he started work at 9am, and I gave him a Father's Day card, and a box of Celebrations. And our daughter popped in for half an hour to see him, and gave him some Guinness and a big Toblerone bar.

But quite honestly, it was just another day. He just wasn't really bothered about it. He likes to make a fuss with his own birthday - and mine and DD's - and he loves Christmas - but Fathers Day is just a bit of a non-entity to him.

He definitely makes more of a fuss of me on Mothers Day. I think he'd be slightly offended if I didn't get him anything at all - not even a card, coz he'd think I didn't care (when I do!) But he is not hugely bothered about Fathers Day.

I like to go out for a meal at lunchtime on Mother's Day in return I try to make a dh feel special on Father's Day as he really is a fantastic dad to dd. He's had a small present and card that I gave to dd to write and pass over, I've made him breakfast, his favourite dinner and he chose a long walk he fancied doing today and had a few beers. I know some people think that the child should make the effort but I like the opportunity to say thank you for what he does and vice versa. I'm sure when dd is older she'll take over, but for now I like to mark the day

Anecdotally from MN, there are plenty of men who make zero to very little effort for MD, but expect the red carpet rolled out for FD.

I think MD and FD are important lessons for children. It is important to teach children to think of other people and it is important that children see their parents show respect to each other.

A boy who doesn't respect and appreciate his mum is less likely to respect and appreciate his wife/girlfriend when he's a man. And a girl who doesn't see her mum be respected and appreciated, isn't going to expect respect and appreciation when she's a woman.

We don't celebrate MD or FD in our family - although both of us very gratefully received the cards our DCs made at nursery and primary school.

Our two are 17 and 15 now, and we do nothing other than announce "Happy Fathers/Mothers Day" in the morning.

Your post feels quite unfamiliar to me, if I'm honest.
DH and I respect each other enormously, and our teenagers are witness to that all year round.
My (nearly) 17yo son and I spend quite a bit of time with each other, and I'm absolutely certain that he respects and appreciates me.
I work shifts - when he hears me come home at 10.30pm (4 nights a week), without fail he comes into the kitchen, asks me about my day, and I ask him about his.
We generally chat for an hour or so. The subject matter varies massively - school/work/politics/aspirations/the weather.....pretty much anything.
I love our time together, we chat and laugh, and generally put the world to rights.
This is what being "respected and appreciated" feels like to me.

Right, but what will happen if your son has a child with woman who does celebrate MD? Will your son participate, or will his wife be posting on MN about how unloved she feels because her DH didn't get her anything on behalf of their child because the day means nothing to him?

You might not understand that feeling because the day doesn't hold any value to you, but it does for a lot of mothers and fathers, and it is those people who end up feeling unloved and unappreciated by partners who don't care about it.

dh does not care about mother's day but you are correct he also does not care about father's day (or valentine's day and really Christmas & birthdays too) so at least he is consistent. On the other hand if he sees something that I or the ds's might like he will tend to get it there and then rather than waiting for a designated day in the calendar to get it so not all bad. He just doesn't see the importance in cards & wrapping paper!

😁😁 Bit of a jump in your reasoning there

I have explicitly told my dc that if they are in a relationship with someone who does value cards/presents etc, then it’s important to take their lead. I’ve let them know that people do different things in different families, and it’s important to know what your partner values.

That's rubbish. Just because they don't believe In a made up day has no relevance to being Caring parents I'm proof of that. My parents were amazing they just didn't buy in to commercialised days which are just a money maker.

LawrieForShepherdsBoy whyhavetheygotsomany

I don’t think it’s a jump, and it sounds like the op isn’t talking about parents who are happily going about every other day, they’re talking about the ‘fuck them’ parents- the ‘you think I’m contributing to THEIR mother’s Father’s Day?!’. Huge difference!

When you are with a narcissist, they don’t like to make a thing out of any special occasion for you but will happily accept special treatment on their celebratory days unfortunately. Two wrongs don’t make a right though and I still help my DD do something for Father’s Day because it makes her happy.

I do this men see fathers day differently to the way women see mothers day.

I think a lot of women see it as a sign of their kids and their partners appreciation. Which is fair enough, women are still considered the default parent in a lot of families, they should be appreciated. Which means that when not enough effort is put in, it's a big thing.

Men care about it less I think. My Dad didn't give a shit at all, didn't want a card, didn't want a present, just wanted to be left alone to go surfing or play rugby, just like every other Sunday.

I don't really care about the card or present either, I get one most years and I'm thankful, but what's important to me is spending some quality time with DD on that day, that she prioritises going out and doing something with me, rather than her friends. And talking to my mates, either one of the above is generally what they're after as well.

To be honest I don't know ANY men who give a crap about father's day, or would bother with it at all if their family didn't feel they had to do something.

Men care about it less I think. My Dad didn't give a shit at all, didn't want a card, didn't want a present, just wanted to be left alone to go surfing or play rugby, just like every other Sunday.

Yes, I think this is very normal!

Can’t agree. When I was a kid I was always taken by my dad to choose a card and a present for mother’s day, but he used to say that was traditional and father’s day was made up to make money for card manufacturers and tell us not to bother.

DS has very much taken the lead from me on how much, or how little, importance we place on occasions such as Mother's Day.
It's been my preference to keep it low key, so that's just how it has evolved.

I would like to believe that he's thoughtful enough to consider what his future partner's expectations are around Mother's Day if they have a child together. I genuinely hope he wouldn't fall short on that.

I've encountered my fair share of arseholes in my 50+ years, so I've put quite a lot into trying to ensure that DS doesn't become one of them.

Obviously, he's a teenager, so it's too soon to predict how he'll turn out as a grown man. But, we'll keep talking, and I'm fairly confident that he'll understand that what worked in our family might not necessarily work for his future family.

That’s bad - if mine did that to me I’d have it sold on eBay within a day or two and then divorce him.