To ask how to potty train a resistant 3 year old?

[MissScarletInTheBallroom]

Yes I know there is a topic for this but there's next to no traffic and people who have already cracked this and moved on probably aren't looking at it.

My DS turned three a couple of months ago. We have tried potty training several times with no luck so far.

He is starting school in September and HAS to be trained by then. There is no other option. I have taken tomorrow and Tuesday off work so we are on day 2 of a four day window dedicated to cracking this and it's getting worse, not better. I don't have any other holiday other than the last two weeks of August which we have booked off to go on an actual holiday and will be completely ruined if we have to spend it hanging around the holiday accommodation doing potty training.

I'm at my wits' end.

He doesn't want to sit on the potty.

He withholds for hours on end.

He gets increasingly angry and fed up and wants to go outside and play. Eventually I give in and we go outside and it's only a matter of time before he pees or poos in his pants.

Please help.

What a lucky little boy to have such a thoughtful mummy.

Of course you’re right about the language issue OP. Some people are just ignorant.

My DS turned 3 and refused to potty train. I remember holding him on the loo out of sheer frustration once. It didn’t work. But a few months later, it just clicked and he was trained in a week with barely any accidents.

So I don’t have any specific advice for you, but lots of sympathy.

Ignore all the competitive parents who think that because their method worked with their child, they are somehow superior. As for this nonsense about “missing the window” - that’s rubbish (and pointless anyway). Good luck OP.

We’re a bilingual family too, my nieces and nephews are trilingual and you’re not going to kill ‘one parent one language’ by saying just the keys words like wee, poo and toilet in English then repeating them back in the local language and it may help his understanding. With DD much as it pained me to do so, I had to use all the American phrases they used at daycare so pee, poop, diaper, fawcet for hand washing, saying potty in an exaggerated American accent. DH used to say it in his language then repeat in (American) English. There was also something in one of the potty training books I read about aligning language with nursery. I don’t think it was Oh Crap, it may have been Gina Ford. It really helped though so I wouldn’t dismiss the suggestion.

At this point OP I'd pretend to ignore the potty issue whilst keeping an eye on him and being prepared to clean up.

I would ask every 20 minutes, talk about you going to the toilet. Drink something yourself and ask him, sometimes actions speak louder than words!

Deep breaths and ideally stay in the home.

There's no point getting him to sit on the potty more than every 2 hours. Especially if he hasn't drunk anything. (Try ice lollies or coke?) It is just going to annoy him and he won't need to go. You need to maintain the appearance that you don't really care what he does and it's up to him but if he does something in the potty or toilet he will get X treat. Then carry on with your day. No further mention of anything toilet related until it happens.

The advice of sitting on the potty at 20 minute intervals is aimed at younger children. It's not the right approach for a 3 year old who has much more control and a bigger bladder.

My DS was similarly resistant to the potty. At two and a half he saw a friend using hers and wanted to try so we encouraged this but several weeks later the potty kept being used as a hat (🤢) kicked around the lounge and messed about with. I had another baby and was recovering from a section so it wasn’t a good time generally.

I had another go the month before he turned 3. He would sit on the potty and slowly got the hang of ‘holding’ his wee. He can and does hold for a long time so as long as you regularly take him to the toilet wee accidents are avoided but what he won’t do is tell you when he needs to go to the toilet and he doesn’t go independently. So if you forget to take him he wets himself eventually. And he almost always soils himself because he won’t say he needs a poo.

I have done a lot of reading around the subject and problems are fairly common. Largely the only thing that works is time which I realise is no help to op but I have similar concerns about ds starting school.

Also give him salty crisps to encourage drinking. It's a one off and might brighten the day especially as it sounds like you're a fairly strict household.

Also would not try and stay home for 4 days with a 3 year old and no screens. That sounds like misery for everyone. Think most who are suggesting this probably let their kids watch TV all day.

If he starts looking uncomfortable and is bribable with a screen I would say that's the time to use it. If he's hopping about with legs crossed and will sit on the toilet for an episode of paw patrol I would do that (but wait till he clearly needs to go - don't do it every 20 minutes)

10:30 and he's finally squeezed out a tiny little pee. In the toilet. Hurrah!

He's now eating a mid morning snack as a reward and drinking orange juice.

Amazing

And a minuscule poo about three minutes later.

OP, I feel like you think that potty training means immediately peeing and pooping in the potty every time. If he hasn’t been for two hours he has a great chance of training. You need to try to learn his rhythms and not over prompt. Keep going and don’t give up on him as that send the message that you don’t think he can do it.

Don't think that your aim is to prevent accidents. Accidents are to be expected and are part of the learning curve. Don't see it as a failure if he has an accident - he will learn something from it.

Despite what some books and some (probably older and selectively forgetful) parents on here tell you, very few children are reliably toilet trained within a few days, although they have hopefully got the idea in that time.

It usually takes a number of weeks or even months until a child is really confident at it. (Quicker for older kids mostly) At some point you stop taking spare clothes everywhere and on that day your child will wet themselves for the first time in 6 months.

It's all part of the fun.

Hooray! 😊

Salty crisps is a brilliant idea. Unfortunately we will have to go out to get some but he loves crisps. I don't know why I didn't think of that before. The last two birthdays in a row he has rejected the homemade birthday cake I have lovingly made for him in favour of the crisp bowl.

my little girl aged 3 was resistant in potty training and I just wanted her out of nappies at this point, I tried everything almost but realised she really enjoyed going to the actual toilet with her big sister. I ended up buying this toilet seat with steps from amazon https://amzn.to/3z1kpPj for her so she could get up by herself as she's a stubborn little miss. defiantly was worth the money as its so easy for her now, although a minus is that her older sister who is nearly 6 thinks its fun to use as well 😂

Can DH bring some crisps back from work when he gets home? No rush. Don't go out unless you have to. Sounds like it's going well

I would join you but DS3 has a tummy bug so I think it is a bit unfair. I have been inspired though so I think we will be doing more nappy off time once he is better.

Ignore unhelpful advice. We are a bilingual family too although we have very strong English because this is the home language which both parents speak. I usually say "wee" and "poo" but I had intended to use "pipi" or "kaka" which is the community language simply because I want him to understand that they have the same meaning - but he isn't stupid. He actually figured it out pretty easily without me needing to do this. It was just more natural for me to say wee/poo.

AMAZING! Well done to you both!

Also 2-3 hours between toilet trips is perfectly normal for a 3YO in full control of their bladder, which he clearly is. You just probably want to try a bit more frequently to avoid missing it. So don’t worry about that. You’ve definitely got this! Salty crisps and TV as a bribe is also a great idea.

It does not have to be now. You sound (reasonably) too stressed about it. (I remember the pressure of school)

Wait a bit longer. Might be SEN at play. If he is not ready he is not ready.

I'd keep pull-ups. Use them like pants. Reward for any progress. Tell school you have tried but he is not ready because xyz reason.

I would suggest just taking him at regular intervals, big fuss and small reward for each success.

I was going to suggest this - if nothing else try and get him in a routine - and if bribery works use it.

I had issue with eldest two - both either late diagnosed of ND or looking to be - one of who was a nightmare at school but even now as a teen doesn't seem to get physical body feedbacks like others. Also had unhelpful childcare who put eldest back in nappies for their convenience and while in UK school not very sympathetic and they were very young in school year - so yes got to summer and very much felt the pressure.

Youngest was a doddle in comparison. Older two had accidents despite being trained- but it was fine and they did get there in the end.

Ugh. Big poo accident just now.

Mine were chocolate orientated. So one choc buttons for a wee and two for a poop. Increased as needed to they got one for sitting on the potty for say 3 mins (yes we had a timer and potty lived in front months TV 😂)

Naked never worked for us they needed pants weirdly as they hated being bare bottomed

You say he doesn’t like having accidents - that’s GREAT as you can build on it.

No blaming but ‘oh that’s a shame, it would have been better in the toilet’ or whatever he’ll understand as linking the two and as pp have said, have him take part in the cleanup (to an extent obvs, making a three year old clean up their own shit by themselves is… not the intention). Nice and calm and ‘let’s try again’

Itll be ok

Oh god I remember being oh that's grim. If you need to go out and about I somtimes used to out a pull-up over underpants so they could still feel wet (or cloth nappy cover depending what you have)
I was the queen of about 10 pairs of shorts in my change bag and a huge wet bag to contain dirty stuff

I think (without meaning to be unkind) that this sounds like a ‘you’ problem rather than your son. It sounds super confusing and inconsistent to start and then give up several times and not dedicate sufficient time and focus to this. You’re sending Such mixed messages to him and reinforcing he can’t do it. It might be annoying and impractical but all of the books tell you you need to block off a week to focus on potty training, and do nothing else, not even looking at your phones. Yes it’s intense, yes it’s exhausting but done properly you’ll find too don’t need the full week. All of the books say you don’t ‘try’, you just get rid of nappies and never go back to them. The idea of ‘being ready’ is also proven to be rubbish too. They’re ready as soon as they can follow simple instructions which is why many are trained from 18-20 months. So unless you think your child may have special needs there is no reason they can’t crack this. You sound like you’re putting far too much pressure and stress on him which is now causing him to resist and withhold: it does get so much harder if you leave it until after 3 when they can get more stubborn. But I understand that me saying this isn’t that helpful now the damage is done to that extent.

I think the only thing you can do at this point is to commit some proper time to your son and if that means foregoing a family holiday then so be it. It’s worth it for the self esteem and sense of achievement he will have. I don’t think it will work on holiday, you need to dedicate proper time to it so I’d cancel it. Otherwise call in sick for a week with a bug if necessary: the majority of potty training is staying naked at home anyway so a miraculous bug could be an option if you’re truly stuck now with annual leave.

Perhaps read some of the books, ‘oh crap’ is poorly written but it does work. I followed it to the letter and both my children were trained within 3 days and had maybe only 1 or 2 accidents ever in the first week or so and then never again. I did take it really seriously though all whilst trying to act totally chill and no pressure.

the people I knew who struggled seemed impatient and unwilling to spend the time to help their child - didn’t read or follow the books properly and just wanted someone to wave a magic wand. What’s silly is that being like this short term makes it all last so much longer.