To regret leaving my coercively controlling ex-husband

[Hellodarknessmyfriend]

Now I see my sons far less as "punishment", should I have stayed for their sake?

Staying for the kids is a bad reason to stay in any relationship, let alone an abusive one. The kids would have known you weren't happy and that it wasn't a relationship that was good for you. Better to have 2 happy, single parents, than 1 miserable abused parent.

The boys seeing you being coerced was slowly soaking them in poison. Getting out means there's a chance they will grow up to be good men.

Sometimes there is no perfect decision. Only choosing the lesser of two evils.

OP
You are better off outside, Time will heal and you will see your kids and they will want to see you.
Give it time - easier said than done but just give it time and things will get easier!!!
You will feel better and when you see you sos more often as time goes on!!

But he has MORE control not less. I see one son just every Weds - Sun and the other just EOW.
In his defence he did warn me I'd lose them if I was to ever dare leave him and he never hit me.
I know I've failed them by leaving. I should have been OK with the curfews etc.

How old are your sons? Does he have residency of one and shares custody of the other?

So you think it would have been OK to stay and model for your boys coercive control in action? How old are your sons, and why did you come to this arrangement? And how long have you been apart?

@Tigrela Enforced 50/50 since they were 3 and 6. They're now 14 and almost 17. So he has majority custody of both. I'm a primary teacher so I think that rubs salt even further?
My own fault as he was wealthy and I should just done what I was told?

@sesquipedalian better than the consequences.of leaving, yes.

No you shouldn't and the fact that you think that shows that he still has a level of control over you. What is your relationship like with your sons? They are of an age where a court would allow them to chose where they spend their time.

@Tigrela As ex has them majority he still has the control. I alow flexibility in best interests, he allows none.
I don't see them much so not great.
Court not an option as eldest almost 17 and 14 yo does what dad tells him.

I understand why you agreed to it (I think). Sometimes getting outside help, such as solicitors or CAFCASS can actually make things worse since some men will just continue to lie and abuse you through the court system. I sympathise completely, the wild accusations with the faintest thread of reality woven into them were the worst thing for me when I left. He retracted when the CAFCASS officer realised I was in a refuge.

Sorry to derail, just empathising.

However, you definitely do deserve a lige without this man constantly overshadowing it. Surely there are compensations to not having to.deal with him every day? Your sons will grow into far kinder men and you should be really proud of that.

It will impact your descendants for generations. You did incredibly well to leave. Bravo!

@Doingonesbest I didn't agree to it - it was forced upon me.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I was in a position where I was forced to agree and I suppose I was a bit triggered but trying to understand.

Children are far more observant than we realise, they will know on some level that you have been through a great deal and still prioritised and maintained your relationships with them.

You deserve so much more and I really do identify with you. I am going back to name changing now...my post is outing. I will be thinking of you.

@Hellodarknessmyfriend I think you should take a deep breath and remind yourself how you were treated was not your fault. You are not a bad person. You were in a relationship that wasn't safe for you and you deserved and needed to be out. It is not your fault that that meant complications with your children. You likely are overwhelmed with grief and loss in this moment and those are understandable feelings AND you will be okay. These hard moments will feel less intense and you've gotten through so many hard & harder times. You are strong.

Your DC are almost of an age where you will have an easier time building relationships and connections with them without your ex having as much power. Keep doing what you are doing. Keep connection as strong as you can. Remind yourself of how far you've made it. You are doing brilliantly even though it's very hard.

I'm so sorry OP. I don't have any real meaningful advice, but I wanted to say as your sons get older, I hope they will see their father for the dirt bag he is.

I can't begin to fathom your situation, but you have to take comfort in the fact you have done/are doing everything you can.

I'm sorry you feel dickbag has MORE control.... the best revenge is living well. I know it's difficult, but sometimes you have to step back & let things play out.

I wish you strength & happiness

Oh lovely, what a sad situation. But I promise you, you were right to leave. You would have crumbled too far and your mental health and whole persona would have been at risk of this stayed. My (on/off) DP left a controlling relationship after longer than you and it's utterly destroyed him as a person, he's just an empty husk of a man and still in so much pain many years after leaving. You did RIGHT even if you feel you've lost out.

Court still might be worth it because CAFCASS could get involved and do a report on your 14 year old 'wishes and feelings'. He'd have to do what the court said, not what his Dad said.

Have you had any counselling? (If you've said elsewhere I apologise)

At this stage you can only look forward. Unfortunately, abusers won’t really stop with divorce. They would do their best to keep messing your life. I believe sometimes is better to stay married for longer practical reasons but with abuse is hard.

@FarmGirl78 There is a court order in place but ex-husband ignores it. Boys still have to do what dad says. Just as an example, it's their weekend here but fair enough - it's Father's Day so ordered that they spend 10-5 with him. Husband tells me there's no point returning them today so they will be back with until next due to return.
Wishes and Feelings a waste of time and ultimately returning court is too as they have to do what father says (or suffer the consequences).
They can't risk that.

Do they HAVE to do what he says though? Do they actually want to live there? What is stopping them from living with you?

I decided to go NC with my father at age 12 and court took my wishes into account. At ages 14 and 17, they will get a say.

@Beezknees Yes because if you disobey him there will be huge consequences. An example: back after 10pm I was locked out the marital home. I imagine similar rules apply.
The houses are very different for a start; one small room each here in rented, a shared wing at their dads (complete with pool and hot tub). There was also financial control.

I'd go back to a lawyer and see what can be adapted. You definitely were right to leave, unfortunately he is welding control over your children now but this will change as they see the light, which they will.

OP, the 17 year old is nearly 18 and an adult. The 14 year old only has a few years left.
You have done the right thing, and the ex is highly controlling. But those boys will break free and you have many many years ahead with them. I believe that if you do the right thing then long term it will pay back. You have done the right thing, you don't make it difficult for your DS and you are there for them. They will be in your life I am sure for many years. I doubt they will look back in fondness at their Dad.

Your children are growing up and as they get older they will increasingly resent the coercive control that their father has over them. They will realise that you were under his control too.

They will have a choice to make - obey his commands and get the material benefits, or break free of his abuse as you have.

You made the right choice for you, I really hope your boys do the same and tell him to Fuck Off at some point.

OP, just saw your updating post. Your ex is now being coercive to your children who are minors. Get a family social worker involved. It doesn't matter if he has money and property. Your children may resent you if you don't protect them. Now you are away from him you can approach things differently. You and they don't 'have to' do anything. Challenge his breaking of the court order.

Do your boys know why you left your ex? Have you ever talked to them about controlling and coercive behaviour?

I know we aren’t supposed to talk to kids about the sins of the father (!) but actually I think as they are approaching adulthood it is probably the right thing to do. this is in cases of abuse only by the way. Not just general being a dick. Whilst we need to support kids’ relationship with the other parent, we also need to validate and support them if THEY are experiencing controlling and coercive behavior.