To regret leaving my coercively controlling ex-husband

[Hellodarknessmyfriend]

Now I see my sons far less as "punishment", should I have stayed for their sake?

I feel sad for you. Hopefully when they are adults you can tell them exactly why their dad had custody and you didn't. You did the right thing leaving though.

My ex was like this. Even before I left he told me that I’d never get custody of the kids if I left.
You’ve done the right thing.

Hang on you haven't mentioned your other child about to start primary school.
So ten years ago you left, you then married and had another child who is now 4.5-5yrs old.

Maybe that's a reason why the elder ones don't stay more. A 17yr old and 14yr old won't want to share mum with a 5yr old I don't think.

Ah there’s the inevitable victim blaming! Thought we’d lost you. Nice to see you rise above all the progressive, supportive chatter and shit on it like a pigeon. Well done there! Mum went on to find happiness with a good person and had a third child, a sibling for her older two sons. But… let’s turn this into something blameworthy! 🙄

No, it could be a reason why they don't want to visit more often. It's not a blaming game but more of a reason. So pipe down.

@SerenityNowInsanityLater Thank you. Yes, victim blaming its finest from @Hungrycaterpillarsmummy. I have a little girl who has just turned four. She is incredible, has made my wonderful husband a daddy, and is much loved by her "boys."
Despite my ex-husband's best efforts she has made all of our lives so much richer and bridged gaps ❤️ I love all of them more than anything ❤️

Pipe down seriously 🙄 (hungry caterpillar).
If OP is the poster I think she is her ex used the fact she was having another child to make her boys feel they were being replaced and didn't want them to have anything to do with their sibling.

@Hellodarknessmyfriend sometimes life only gives you really bad choices and you have to try and find the least bad thing and because there's no way to know what would have happened had you stayed you regret what happened when you left. Its understandable after what your ex has done and he's still harming you too, adding to that trauma. You regret going, I regret not going sooner because he's damaged me so much and especially because of what he put our eldest through because I stayed. She was recently sobbing and overwhelmed because he's been getting angry and shouting at her. Along with the damage he did because I stayed I also regret deeply what she's gone through without me there.

There are rarely good choices when the man you loved and had children with turns out to be an abusive arsehole. You try and find the least bad choice, you try and protect and support them. You did what everyone believes is the best thing, you left to protect them, you don't know what you might have ended up regretting if you'd stayed. An abusive man has harmed you all, and is continuing to do so, none of your choices make you responsible for the harm he's done. I hope when your boys get a bit older they'll start to see through him and come back to you. Whatever happens in the future, I hope you can find some healing and contentment with your DD and your DH. You deserve that.

So are they choosing dad's house at the moment? I'm so sorry.

You need to do all you can to look after yourself and get happy and make them have the best time with you and remind them that always have a home with you whenever they like. There are decades ahead of being their mum and they may come back more to you in the future xx

Can I ask which country you are in please OP?

@Hellodarknessmyfriend Ive read your posts but not RTFT. What makes me sad is that despite the years apart, a new DH and a DD, he is still controlling you.

I say this kindly as my DM was in the same situation. She’s now having therapy for PTSD and has been getting stronger, more self-assured and more confident as time goes on. I feel like I’m watching her grow up!

Ultimately you need to take away his control, he’ll never give it up. My DD was seen staking out my mums house 30+ years after they divorced! When he loses his control over you, you get more say in enforcing you time with the boys and what they are told about your break up.

See a therapist and boot him out your head x

@WotsitsMadeIn1927 England

I think you did the right thing. This way, you’ve missed out on a lot. But you’ve shown them another way to live, which means they might not try to control their partners. They’re still in your life. You can explain things to them as adults. Also, I’ve seen women stay in abusive relationships and become shells of themselves, turn to alcohol or lose all reason. Then they lose far far more.