DH and the broken engagement ring

[AppelationStation]

Short version: One of the diamonds has fallen out of my engagement ring. DH says we can't afford to fix it as we're trying to save (which we are). AIBU?

Long version: When we got engaged DH gave me a beautiful, old engagement right that belonged to his grandmother and her mother before that. It''s the nost special object I've ever had.

A couple of years after we got married, one of the diamonds fell out. We searched and searched but couldn't find the stone. That was 5 years ago. Since then, it has been sat in a box in my dresser.

We have been very hard up for most of our marriage, so I could understand not getting it fixed. Diamonds are hardly a priority when you're struggling to pay the bills. In the last 12 months things have been much better, largely down to me going back to uni through the pandemic, acing it whilst also homeschooling our young son when schools were shut, working my arse off since I qualified and almost doubling my salary in the last 2 years (it was low to begin with so not that much by mumsnet standards but still a big achievement).

DH earns barely above minimum wage in a skilled job that he adores and is brilliant at, but is in a v low paid industry. Whenever we've had conversations about money, his job has never been a thing he is willing to consider changing. He will always be a low earner, and any change to our circumstances will have to fall to me, hence my recent career decisions. I, on the other hand, am often criticised for 'spending' - even kids shoes that fit properly or kids clothes (or my own) that are not second hand are seen as self indulgent and wasteful. I've felt some resentment towards him because of this over the years, though now I just accept it, and can see a benefit to one of us not being massively stressed by huge responsibilities all the time. He's a very playful, present father to our DS. He's also very careful with money, organised and disciplined, which I'm grateful for. He is definitely a 'save until you can afford it' person. He consideres any (0% interest) credit card debt, or overdraft debt, however small, as a sign of trouble and would rather eat beans and not go on holiday and pay it off straight away, than accept a small amount and paying it down slowly and affordably. We have a 2.5k loan we used towards the cost of a vehicle last year, and about £500 in cc debt. We have no other debts, mortgage, car loans etc whatsoever.

I recently had a pay rise that equated to about a 20% increase. We agreed we would live as we currently do for the next 6 months, pay everything off and save more towards the deposit for a house (currently renting). I suggested we could look into the cost of getting my ring fixed and maybe do that too, as a kind of treat and gift to myself having worked to hard to get here. Today we found out that it would cost about £230. DH refuses to do it. We need to save the money / pay off things first, it's not a priority, no one needs a ring. Generally when it comes to money, what he says goes.

Now, I don't want a ring fixed with reluctance and resentment on my wedding finger, so I've had to drop it. But I feel a bit hurt tbh. More than I'd like the ring to be able to wear again, I'd like DH to feel proud of me, and grateful for how hard I've worked, and sad that I've not worn the ring he gave me when he proposed for the last 5 years, and for him to want to get it fixed too. He just doesn't really care that much.

I said "what if I could find the money somehow, maybe sell a few things?" (clothes, old kids stuff etc) and he replied "then that money should so into the pot, not get spent on stuff we don't need". So even as the higher earner, by some margin, I lack the agency to make this decision.

He says we'll fix it one day. When is it ever going to be a priority? I look at my wedding finger and feel a bit sad. The ring sits in a box. How old will I be before I can wear it again? What's the point of it if I can't?

I don't know. Sorry for the long post over a totally 1st world problem. It's not the ring, it's his attitude. Is he being tight fisted and mean, or AIBU?

How mean and short sighted he is.

As the saying goes:

'To know the cost of everything, but the value of nothing.'

I would definitely get it fixed, particularly at that price.

You will enjoy Its beauty despite him.

He'd look at me with distain and then be aloof, superior, disapproving and distant.

But you already feel he’s distant and disapproving, and acts ‘superior’ in his frugality.

Whatever you do next, make sure you have personal spending money that’s just yours.

Whilst I in no way approve of the attitude that his decisions are final, I do agree with his opinion on the ring. You have non- mortgage debt and don't own your own home. Your family and securing your financial future should be the priority not a ring.

As someone else mentioned other posts, I also AS your name. For goodness sake, OP. A broken ring id the least of your worries. You’re married to a financially and emotionally abusive bellend who doesn’t like you very much. You need to stop obsessing over ‘not being good enough’ for this truly horrible man and start figuring out how to separate.

I would also strongly advise that you seek counselling, if it’s available to you. The things that you’ve come to regard as normal really aren’t, he’s basically been grinding you down for years.

You also need to get access to your savings and stop letting him just squirrel all this money away. You have agency!

He wouldn't be outwardly angry. He'd look at me with distain and then be aloof, superior, disapproving and distant.

Do you want this life forever?

My dad, a proper Scottish man, once told me the best money-life adage I've ever heard. I was being funny about him being frugal. He said, "I'm careful but I'm not mean" and he explained.

Careful is not wasting, not spending for no reason, thinking about purchases, doing something cheaper if it's pretty much all the same anyway, looking for deals, second hand, valuing things that are priceless, like time and education. You do go to weddings and you do treat people. Careful is always directed at yourself. You don't buy a new thing if the old one works. You don't buy a Starbucks when you could get a cup of tea at home.

Mean is begrudging, not getting your round in a pub, paying less than your share, not valuing experiences like nice meals with family, holidays (even cheap and cheerful), not tipping or giving presents if you can afford them, not spending when it is important. Mean faces outwards. You don't want to treat others, or meet their wants. It's miserly.

My dad would think your DH is mean, not careful. My dad worked very hard so that he could be careful but generous. Your DH prioritises his comfort while begrudging your small joys.

A wise post that.

This is what I would do and say.
I would tell him that I would match what he put in the pot to purchase a property and pay the bills, I would use the rest for the benefit of my child and myself, I would also include him if we did something nice.
Your husband is keen to get a house deposit, we'll he needs to get a better paid job, not stay somewhere where he has no prospects just because he enjoys it. You are the one that earns more but if he tries to dictate to you what to do with your 20% pay rise, repeat each time he goes on about the pot, you need to get a better paid job then I will match the extra you pay.
To summarise you husband needs to get a better paid job, stop being so tight and most of all stop the dictating.
I hope you sort this out.

@AmiShitsaline

Don't be ridiculous, it's his great grandmothers ring.

@AppelationStation

Put a stop to this nonsense. He's choosing to stay in a low paid, non stressful job, fine, if it's what makes him happy & you're ok with that. But YOU have chosen to work harder to climb up the ladder. He does not get to dictate how your income is spent! If you and the children need (even want) new clothes & shoes, buy them from where YOU want!

I understand that you want him to want you to have the ring fixed & wear it, but I don't think the miserable git is going to develop these romantic/loving feelings you desire.

you need to have a very hard think about if you want to remain married to him. I think you are far more go-getter, ambitious & want better for your kids, while he resents you & the kids having shoes & clothes.

I don't think you're compatible really, you don't share the same values.

youre earning the money, stop letting him dictate how it's spent.

if you decide to stay with him then keep your finances separate & tell him to keep his nose out & don't tell him about increases in your salary.

wrt the ring, personally I wouldn't feel
sble to keep it if we separated, so when things are like they are I'd be more tempted to buy a ring I loved, and leave the original one as it is for now, until there come a time you separate or he steps up.

@AppelationStation your husband is smirking at you while you run yourself into the ground, paying for everything, going without, bowing down to his 'superiority' whilst he has a cushy little stress-free job and controls all of your money. He really is disdainful of you. Have some therapy (The Freedom Programme) and enjoy a better life investing in your son's future. If you die young, your son would suffer a miserable life with this mealy-mouthed abuser. Leave him and start a fantastic new life. Think of how proud your mum would be of you and how she would want you to live your life💐

Irony is, the Freedom Programme is one of the things we offer at the charity I run.

Then let the irony be on him, not you. You deserve so much better. He's a nasty piece of work and you come across as amazing but you can't see it. We are rooting for you 🙏

Where are your savings kept? Joint account or in your or his name?

I would be very resentful at working my arse off, while he swans around with his stress free low paying job, and then has the audacity to tell me what to spend my money on. No. Just no. Life is too short to live like this.

You would probably be better off financially if you were to leave him, have you looked at what benefits you might be entited to?

P.s. please don't say that the child benefit goes into his account?

No, the child benefit goes into my own personal account. As do my wages. I transfer all of my wages into the joint account, except a few quid for small charity donations and Netflix (which he uses but also thinks is a waste of money).

He transfers his wages into the joint account too, minus whatever he has gone overdrawn by / had to pay out for from his personal account thay should be a joint expense that month (I don't have an overdraft).

He has accumulated savings while we've been together. They are in his name. All the debts are also his. He has a very good credit score. I don't borrow and just stick all my money in the pot. There's over a grand a month difference in our earnings.

Hell would freeze over before I let a man that earns fuck all dictate to me where I spent my money.

Fuck that for a laugh.

Netflix (which he uses but also thinks is a waste of money).

This is who he is. Happy to benefit, not happy to contribute. What on earth are you doing with him?

What a miserable old man he sounds. I would refuse to live like this. Not a chance in frosty hell would I donate every penny of my hard earned salary to a joint pot with a man who thinks he can dictate to me what I can spend, or what should matter to me. I’d put in the same amount he does to the joint pot and keep the rest for myself/kids. He wants more? He can fucking earn it.

I’m gobsmacked that someone like him has even gone as far as to pay for a wedding! (Don’t tell me, his rich grandparents paid? 🙄)

Get rid (of him).

We also both uave a government Help to Save account which we started while I was a student. We each pay the max allowed in each month.

He has a spreadsheet which calculates earning, bills, borrowing and balances. He looks at it, and our joint account transactions, every couple of weeks. I don't have access to it.

He also takes whatever is left in the joint account at the end of the month to add to these ‘joint’ savings that are solely in his name and to which you have no access. Don’t forget that bit.

Why don’t you have access to it?

Seriously, OP. Why are you just accepting all
this? Why are you so passive?

So he's saving YOUR money, which you then have no access to?

He didn't buy you an engagement ring, you have no access to your own money, he pisses and moans about spending money so your kids have shoes that fit, and he won't "let" you fix the ring. You know that when you eventually divorce him, years from now, when it gets much worse, that he'll take the ring back as a family heirloom to spite you? He's mean - both mean-spirited and tight.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband and say what you said here.

I once bought a house with an ex-partner, we had a bottle of champagne in the fridge when we moved in. We actually moved in during a heat wave in summer and had a power cut at the same time so couldn’t use the fridge. But even when the power was back on and the champagne was cold we never popped the cork. It just never seemed right. We also looked and looked for a sofa that fitted (the very small lounge) and couldn’t agree on it. We ended up with one that neither of us really like but it was a compromise…

Sometimes small things have great significance.
Not feeling joyful enough to pop the cork! Not caring enough to let your wife chose a sofa she actually likes…

My husband lets me choose things, but we discuss it. Bought me a beautiful replacement ring for the very cheap one we got when he had no money and has supported me through cancer last year.

The small significant things sometimes matter very much. Listen to your head and your heart.

He didn't even buy you the ring. He gave you one a relation bought for his love.

I bet he spun it as romantic, giving you an heirloom, antique ring but in basic terms, he was too tight to save up and spend money on you.

He was given it and now begrudges repairing it for a very small amount.

He is financially abusing you. You can afford to repair your ring without it having any impact on how you are living. You will not have to go without food, not pay a bill or pay a debt. To make it even worse is money earned by your sweat, that you are not "allowed" to spend. Can you not see how abusive that it?

Phone Women's Aid. Have a chat with them. Do their questionnaire. You may find it very enlightening. You can speak to them and get advice. It won't start any action off. Abuse is more than just being kicked or punched. You sound ground down and like you are working so hard to give him what he wants but (he) can't be bothered to work for himself.

You need to get your half of your savings immediately and have control over them. You can still use them for family things but its important that he can't clear the account out one day and leave you with nothing. I speak from experience and a miserly man, who loves money more than he loves you is capable of anything. Next get your salary paid into an account in your name only. From that monthly match his income and use the rest as YOU see fit. I know people go on about family money but this man views it all as HIS money and his alone to spend or not to spend as only he sees fit.

I'm going to be brutal here: he is using you as a cash cow with no wish to spend a tiny amount on something which is very important and significant to you. He is showing you that you are not important or significant to him, beyond your earning capacity.

You say he wants a house deposit. Well, houses are money pits and if he can't spend a couple of hundred on a ring then you can look forward to living in a house you are ashamed of. Because he will not spend anything extra on the house. You won't be able to decorate or make improvements as he will want to stash it all away. And forget holidays.

Honestly look at your life since you met him. Has it got really small? Do you no longer do things with your friends? Do you try to make him happy by not spending on yourself, things like hair colours or nails etc? Do you have the same amount to spend on hobbies? Do you feel guilty buying presents for your family? Do you ask him before you buy a small but frivolous treat for yourself? Your posts sound like he's made you feel ashamed of wanting to spend your own money. He must suck the joy out of everything?

He sounds financially abusive to me and coercively controlling. If you want a good, happy life, you won't have one with him. Sorry.

Also, do you see his payslips and know for sure he is on minimum wage? I wouldn't be shocked in the least if he squirrelled away money in his name only. And then he would tell you he was doing it for your family's sake. Anyone mean and tight is capable of great deceit. Be careful your finances aren't an open book and his are a bit of a mystery. Don't be too quick to believe everything he tells you about money and don't let him take care of the finances without you seeing everything. Don't be told you are working so hard, it's easier if he just does it all. Be aware of where every penny goes. Don't let him have sole control of your child's savings too.

Christ. I just read your last post saying you don't have access to the spreadsheets about your finances.

Wake up woman. THIS IS ABUSIVE!

Are you frightened to ask to see the financial accounts? I bet you are. And I bet he tells you he's better at it than you or you wouldn't understand it.

Please get help. And by help I mean a good solicitor. Don't waste your life on a criminal like this. What he is doing to you is a crime. Plain and simple.
Please feel free to DM me. I had 20 years of this and now hate myself so being so gullible and stupid.

You need counseling to figure out why you're willing to put up with being financially abused. That is the only way to end the cycle.