DH and the broken engagement ring

[AppelationStation]

Short version: One of the diamonds has fallen out of my engagement ring. DH says we can't afford to fix it as we're trying to save (which we are). AIBU?

Long version: When we got engaged DH gave me a beautiful, old engagement right that belonged to his grandmother and her mother before that. It''s the nost special object I've ever had.

A couple of years after we got married, one of the diamonds fell out. We searched and searched but couldn't find the stone. That was 5 years ago. Since then, it has been sat in a box in my dresser.

We have been very hard up for most of our marriage, so I could understand not getting it fixed. Diamonds are hardly a priority when you're struggling to pay the bills. In the last 12 months things have been much better, largely down to me going back to uni through the pandemic, acing it whilst also homeschooling our young son when schools were shut, working my arse off since I qualified and almost doubling my salary in the last 2 years (it was low to begin with so not that much by mumsnet standards but still a big achievement).

DH earns barely above minimum wage in a skilled job that he adores and is brilliant at, but is in a v low paid industry. Whenever we've had conversations about money, his job has never been a thing he is willing to consider changing. He will always be a low earner, and any change to our circumstances will have to fall to me, hence my recent career decisions. I, on the other hand, am often criticised for 'spending' - even kids shoes that fit properly or kids clothes (or my own) that are not second hand are seen as self indulgent and wasteful. I've felt some resentment towards him because of this over the years, though now I just accept it, and can see a benefit to one of us not being massively stressed by huge responsibilities all the time. He's a very playful, present father to our DS. He's also very careful with money, organised and disciplined, which I'm grateful for. He is definitely a 'save until you can afford it' person. He consideres any (0% interest) credit card debt, or overdraft debt, however small, as a sign of trouble and would rather eat beans and not go on holiday and pay it off straight away, than accept a small amount and paying it down slowly and affordably. We have a 2.5k loan we used towards the cost of a vehicle last year, and about £500 in cc debt. We have no other debts, mortgage, car loans etc whatsoever.

I recently had a pay rise that equated to about a 20% increase. We agreed we would live as we currently do for the next 6 months, pay everything off and save more towards the deposit for a house (currently renting). I suggested we could look into the cost of getting my ring fixed and maybe do that too, as a kind of treat and gift to myself having worked to hard to get here. Today we found out that it would cost about £230. DH refuses to do it. We need to save the money / pay off things first, it's not a priority, no one needs a ring. Generally when it comes to money, what he says goes.

Now, I don't want a ring fixed with reluctance and resentment on my wedding finger, so I've had to drop it. But I feel a bit hurt tbh. More than I'd like the ring to be able to wear again, I'd like DH to feel proud of me, and grateful for how hard I've worked, and sad that I've not worn the ring he gave me when he proposed for the last 5 years, and for him to want to get it fixed too. He just doesn't really care that much.

I said "what if I could find the money somehow, maybe sell a few things?" (clothes, old kids stuff etc) and he replied "then that money should so into the pot, not get spent on stuff we don't need". So even as the higher earner, by some margin, I lack the agency to make this decision.

He says we'll fix it one day. When is it ever going to be a priority? I look at my wedding finger and feel a bit sad. The ring sits in a box. How old will I be before I can wear it again? What's the point of it if I can't?

I don't know. Sorry for the long post over a totally 1st world problem. It's not the ring, it's his attitude. Is he being tight fisted and mean, or AIBU?

@AppelationStation you need to have access to this spread sheet with all the earnings.

A couple of thoughts as someone 20 years married;
You both work to support your family. It’s great your DH enjoys and finds satisfaction from his job. However it doesn’t pay well. You have managed to double your pay in 2 years. So the status quo before has changed. So then possibly so the family routine for money needs to change a little too.

For many years I had wanted an eternity ring. DH and I had talked about it. I’d made it clear how much I wanted one. We would look at them. But he would never say let’s go and get one.
So one day I walked into a jewelers and walked out as the owner of a beautiful ring. This is most unlike me but I so so wanted one. You engagement ring means something to you. So spend that £250 and have it fixed. Beautiful things are meant to be worn.

And maybe together - possibly with some outside help it’s time to have a conversation about money and finances in your marriage and what it means to both of you.
I hope you can move forward together

How did you find yourself in this situation OP? How and why did you cede so much control to him?

It really isn't too late to put yourself first. But you will need courage. Wishing you loads of luck.

I don’t think you were reading. Did your partner decide to stay in their minimum wage job, spend over their income and use an overdraft and also take all your income and absolutely dictate what it was spent on? While never ever listening or appreciating you at all?

My partner gave up their teaching job.
And yes, they did spend way more than I ever did.

And as I said they had complete control of the finances. All my income went straight into the joint account.

And, I would argue, they never particularly showed appreciation. Given that I often had to work away and get back late to find no food.

So... what do you want to attack me for next?? You seem very angry and more interested in proving me wrong than have a discussion.

Oh yes, when you hear a lot of some of the stories on here, the contrast between them and what we (the readers) have experienced in life - both good and bad - can sometimes make our emotions almost overwhelming.

I know that I occasionally have to step back, and leave this forum for a while, otherwise my reactions can actually make me seem deranged. There are some 'headlines' that I know to not even click on them!

Thank you for being you MrsTerryPratchett. I am very glad that you had such wonderful people in your life. For me, it was my incredible mother. When I had a very difficult period in my adult life, she went way above and beyond where any mother should be expected to go, and in fact looking back now, those four years turned out to be the best in my life ❤️

you soooo funny

So you are incapable of justifying your comments, or discussing/arguing a point.

Duly noted.

I should have learnt not to argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

I have learned that lesson, hence my refusal to engage with you.

And you are happy being married to someone who treats you like that?

DH should be keener than yourself: it has a lot more sentimental value for him than for anyone else, including yourself. Of course, you value the engagement ring -- but for the DH to have waited this long to have it fixed defies reasoning in my mind!! 😓

Tell him your engagement is very important to you and you want to be able to wear it. It has sat in a box long enough. He will always want to pay down something else or pay off a bill. Some things in life are important to us and you deserve to be able to wear your ring. Bottom line - get the ring fixed.

This is one of the saddest posts I've read on here 😪.
OP you've made so much effort to better yourself and you are unable to get your husband's permission to get the ring fixed?
WTAF 😡, I would get the ring repaired anyway.
And I would also address the apparent imbalance of power in your marriage. You should be equals and he shouldn't calling all the shots, irrespective of income.💐

He's a controlling ah and the ring is merely a symptom of the problem You are making more money controlling how it's spent isn't for him to do For all that it's a lovely heirloom he didn't spend anything on an engagement ring for you and he's continuing to value you at £0 put a stop to allowing this asap

It’s essentially your money, and you aren’t taking food out of your your DC life to do it…so just do it.

He needs to aim higher in his career if he wants to have a say

I have had my engagement ring over 40 years. It wasn’t expensive, even back then but twice I have lost a diamond and more recently the band snapped (as it has worn and become very thin). On each occasion, I claimed on my house insurance. I recognise that you will have to pay excess and it could increase next year’s premium but just a thought.

Pay for it out of your earnings and wait until he actually notices it’s been fixed x

I'm afraid you sound like you're being financially abused op.

You don't have any access to savings etc, can't make financial decisions, put all your earnings into a shared pot, yet HE has savings!

You need to have some financial independence. You also need access to all his spreadsheets and the saving accounts

Wait, so he is the one racking up the debt? So, what is in fact happening is that he is only frugal when it comes to what you are spending money on? You all need to sit down and come up with a fair division of funds. It makes no sense for him to have savings and debt at the same time. He is overspending. You haven't mentioned it, but I am assuming that you cover more of the costs of living than he does, like bills, food, kids' stuff, etc.
I don't see anything wrong with one person earning less and the other paying more.
The problem here is that he is pretending to be frugal and tightfisted when he actually isn't. No one is saying he can't save up some money, but what is he buying that is so important that he needs to put it on credit?
This man is gaslighting you.
He wants to keep you constantly on edge with saying that you are the one spending too much. That you are the one who doesn't try, that you are the one who always does things wrong.
He gets to live stress free in a low-paying job that he enjoys. Instead of realizing what a great position he is in, he instead tries to make you feel as bad as possible on top of your already stressful work.
Sitting down and making a budget with him will show how much of your spending goes towards necessities and how much of his goes towards himself. It may also let you see places both of you can save or improve on. Of course, none of this will work if he is actually a narcissist as some suspect. I don't know if I go that far, but he is definitely showing some tendencies. I mean, we all have it to some amount, but his is over the top.

Anything you get given as birthday or Christmas money is yours alone and should not be put in a shared pot. Put your foot down, you were given it for yourself and it should be spent on you and nobody else.

Get your ring fixed. He didn’t even have to pay for it in the first place. He’s being really selfish and not understanding your hard work and effort.

Personally I would just get it fixed. I also think that he sounds very controlling with regards to money.

I lost the centre stone and was getting quotes like this for my antique ring.

Replacing a stone is usually around £20-25. I was being quoted stupid amounts for horrible stones.

I went to Hatton Garden and got offered stones from £20-100 (I set the budget). I chose a stone that I could afford and then the jeweller repaired the ring for £25.

If you source your own stone it will be half the price. I used a new stone and you really can't tell.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum.
Losing her at a relatively young age would be my reason to change my restricted life, if I were you.
I've a friend married to a tight fisted man. Over 40 years of financial abuse and now she's not got the confidence to change. Don't be her.

I lost a stone from my engagement ring while we were saving for our house. When we brought it to the jewellery’s it turned out it needed to be taken apart and remade. It cost €600(they didn’t charge full price, there was a slight fault so should have been closer to 1200) Dh told me to drop it in and I did. When we got the call to say it was ready I told Dh it could wait a few weeks. He picked it up the same day because he knew how much I missed it and how said I was to have had to be without it for so long. Your Dh is a miserable arse. Get the ring fixed. Ignore him. If he’s so worried about money tell him to get a better paid job.

You earn the money you spend it how you choose.