DH and the broken engagement ring

[AppelationStation]

Short version: One of the diamonds has fallen out of my engagement ring. DH says we can't afford to fix it as we're trying to save (which we are). AIBU?

Long version: When we got engaged DH gave me a beautiful, old engagement right that belonged to his grandmother and her mother before that. It''s the nost special object I've ever had.

A couple of years after we got married, one of the diamonds fell out. We searched and searched but couldn't find the stone. That was 5 years ago. Since then, it has been sat in a box in my dresser.

We have been very hard up for most of our marriage, so I could understand not getting it fixed. Diamonds are hardly a priority when you're struggling to pay the bills. In the last 12 months things have been much better, largely down to me going back to uni through the pandemic, acing it whilst also homeschooling our young son when schools were shut, working my arse off since I qualified and almost doubling my salary in the last 2 years (it was low to begin with so not that much by mumsnet standards but still a big achievement).

DH earns barely above minimum wage in a skilled job that he adores and is brilliant at, but is in a v low paid industry. Whenever we've had conversations about money, his job has never been a thing he is willing to consider changing. He will always be a low earner, and any change to our circumstances will have to fall to me, hence my recent career decisions. I, on the other hand, am often criticised for 'spending' - even kids shoes that fit properly or kids clothes (or my own) that are not second hand are seen as self indulgent and wasteful. I've felt some resentment towards him because of this over the years, though now I just accept it, and can see a benefit to one of us not being massively stressed by huge responsibilities all the time. He's a very playful, present father to our DS. He's also very careful with money, organised and disciplined, which I'm grateful for. He is definitely a 'save until you can afford it' person. He consideres any (0% interest) credit card debt, or overdraft debt, however small, as a sign of trouble and would rather eat beans and not go on holiday and pay it off straight away, than accept a small amount and paying it down slowly and affordably. We have a 2.5k loan we used towards the cost of a vehicle last year, and about £500 in cc debt. We have no other debts, mortgage, car loans etc whatsoever.

I recently had a pay rise that equated to about a 20% increase. We agreed we would live as we currently do for the next 6 months, pay everything off and save more towards the deposit for a house (currently renting). I suggested we could look into the cost of getting my ring fixed and maybe do that too, as a kind of treat and gift to myself having worked to hard to get here. Today we found out that it would cost about £230. DH refuses to do it. We need to save the money / pay off things first, it's not a priority, no one needs a ring. Generally when it comes to money, what he says goes.

Now, I don't want a ring fixed with reluctance and resentment on my wedding finger, so I've had to drop it. But I feel a bit hurt tbh. More than I'd like the ring to be able to wear again, I'd like DH to feel proud of me, and grateful for how hard I've worked, and sad that I've not worn the ring he gave me when he proposed for the last 5 years, and for him to want to get it fixed too. He just doesn't really care that much.

I said "what if I could find the money somehow, maybe sell a few things?" (clothes, old kids stuff etc) and he replied "then that money should so into the pot, not get spent on stuff we don't need". So even as the higher earner, by some margin, I lack the agency to make this decision.

He says we'll fix it one day. When is it ever going to be a priority? I look at my wedding finger and feel a bit sad. The ring sits in a box. How old will I be before I can wear it again? What's the point of it if I can't?

I don't know. Sorry for the long post over a totally 1st world problem. It's not the ring, it's his attitude. Is he being tight fisted and mean, or AIBU?

He’s a fly lazy bastard!
sitting pretty in his shitty wee job earning peanuts yet laying down the law regarding what you are “allowed” to spend???

He is a tight miserable git! It sounds like all you are to him is a meal ticket that he couldn’t afford on his own!

My sisters ex was just like him, she left after 22 years of the same bullshit and is happier (and richer) than ever now ge isn’t squirrling away her wages!!

@spikeandbuffy

aw what a lovely thing for him to do - his actions show how much you mean to him.

It's why I'm long term single
His standards are the bare minimum of what I want in a partner!
I had covid (immunocompromised) and he brought me a food shop and what seemed like half the pharmacy without being asked
I could ring him at 3am for help and he would (he's not perfect, I would get a fucks sake what now, it's 3am)

Generally when it comes to money, what he says goes.

Bit fucking rich seeing as he doesn’t bring in much and refuses to change that, while you work your tits off to improve your situation.

I voted YABU simply because you said you don’t have the agency to make this decision. You do. You earn the money, you have the agency to decide how to spend it. He is financially controlling you. Don’t let him. If he’s so worried about money he can get a better paid job.
I’d personally ditch both the ring and this miser; couldn’t be married to someone like that.

You are being financially abused , please seek some help , this is no way to live

Can someone explain the camper van thing?

That was a beautiful thing to do. He must love you very much.

This is how love is supposed to work OP.

I think you’ve missed the point that the ring is merely symptomatic of DH disregard of ops feelings and the blatant financial abuse going on- hopefully op is starting to see what’s going on and can protect herself. Her whole marriage sounds totally joyless

AS the OP - there was a shit show of a thread with a holiday planned in a camper van. It’s an ongoing mess.

Your life will be absolutely miserable spent with this man. For the love of god don’t buy a house with him.

so its ok for him to have total control over all the money and not allow the OP to know what is going on with it?

This ^^

Joyless and therefore very sad.

I'm so sorry @AppelationStation that you have found yourself in this situation. 🩷

Having read the whole thread, I'm in awe of your patience with this mean-spirited little worm.
I think that it's Ducks in a Row time.
He won't change and he's making your life dreary.
Wishing you great good luck in the future.

@AppelationStation Again very sadly, @AffableApple may well be right. If you think that there is more than a 29% chance that she is right, please strongly consider not wasting all those years between now and then. 😟

Wow MrsTerryPratchett, I have nearly always agreed with and admired your replies to previous OPs. I now know where you get your grace, kindness and understanding from. Bless both you and your DDad, who I expect is no longer with us, but in a much better place. 🌹

That's incredibly kind @PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting

I have to say that I was blessed with some wonderful people in my life. I do wonder if some of my rants on here about crap men come from having a kind, sweet, hard-working father and grandfather. I know not every woman has had kind, sweet, hard-working men in her life.

OP you seem to be avoiding answering everyone who's is asking why you are being so passive and accepting of what he says goes, no access to stuff etc?

Or a hitman.

Look in the 1950s, men went out to work and earnt the money and had to support the family. They might have had more say in the marriage but they were responsible. They couldn't work in some low paid job that they found comfortable because their responsibility was to support the family. I also refuse to believe that most 1950s men were so cheap that they refused to provide a wearable wedding ring. Actually my mother was married in the 1950s and she had a very nice, very expensive ring. So your husband is not much of a provider but he wants to rule the roost and get his hands on your money. And my mother who married in the 1950s had a very active voice in her marriage and I can't imagine my father ever saying she couldn't fix her ring. In fact, she had it "renovated" several times when the band wore down and had the claws redone. She was born in 1929 and she had far more financial freedom than you have. You should give your head a good shake and think about getting rid of this petty mean man.

Honestly OP you have two options, leave or make big, practical, difficult changes to empower yourself. The broken ring is sadly very symbolic of your relationship. The camper van thread , begrudging your children shoes that fit, refusing to buy a dishwasher but not doing a fair share of domestic work , denying you access to money , never putting you first, isolating you by moving away from friends / family - everything is about him , not you or your children , from where you live to how you live. The abusive control is so insidious it made me catch my breath . His spins his frugality as a virtue to shame you into behaving how he wants . And of course he is nice dad, the good guy. Abusers generally are skilled in good outward portrayal.

If you feel that you are not at risk from his control turning to violence , stop immediately paying your money into his account , just pay equally for bills/ loans and food only into a domestic bank account and keep everything else separate for you and your son. Make your own decisions about how you spend your funds without consulting him and remember his decision on things are not final. Small steps can restore your personal confidence and agency.

It’s clear from your posts that you know life is too short for avoidable unhappiness. Maybe a lot of frank talking ,certainly individual therapy for you and taking back control of your finances might be enough to readjust the imbalance of power and influence in your marriage and make your relationship tolerable. Your DH might benefit from therapy too although I am cautious about suggesting this as he would need to be genuinely open to change and the therapist should be skilled in working with clients with abusive/ manipulative tendencies.
It’s sound like a lot of hardship with no guarantee of any return though.
I expect I’m older and tireder that you OP but the idea of spending my finite years trying to salvage a marriage that seems so miserable and unequal is exhausting and depressing.

Leaving is hard , staying is hard and could be harder. You posted that sad camper van story a year ago , this sad story now , how you would like next year’s story to unfold for you and your son?

He is a tightarse, even if you won the lottery he would still be a tightarse, its in his blood. I know you love the ring and its history but it was handy for him that he didn't have to buy you one, wasn't it? Anyway I agree with pp, keep back a little of your wages for things you need, without having to refer to him, and get the damn ring fixed.

I would start putting less into the joint account and start saving a bit of money just for you. For emergencies or anything you may wish to.

He makes decisions on your joint money yet you don't have access to the spreadsheet. This doesn't seem right. I hope you find a way of getting your ring fixed. This to me is very sad.

You work hard and should have a say where you'd like to spend your hard earned cash!!!

I see you respect your DH's wishes but it's also time he respects yours.

That wouldn't be ok. But that's not the situation here. Did you read the OPs posts or did you just leap to oppressed-woman total-control conclusion?

OP said...
"Generally when it comes to money, what he says goes."
and
[If I spent the money] "He wouldn't be outwardly angry. He'd look at me with distain and then be aloof, superior, disapproving and distant."

They're having a difference of opinion and it's perfectly fair that she should be upset that she feels unvalued.

But I was responding to someone that said "Spend it. It's your money" by pointing out that in a partnership it's their money, not his or hers.

The only "oppression" that I can see is that there's a spreadsheet to reconcile all the bills and transfers. I have one. She says she doesn't have access to it - she doesn't say she's not allowed access to it. From other things she's said it sounds like he's really keen that they manage their money well. In years to come I imagine they will both be grateful.

We used to live in a similar situation. I brought in the money, and she was in charge of it. When she wanted something extravagent she'd have it and say "now you can spend £xx on yourself". The nett result was that either every extravagance was double the overdraft, or I didn't take the money and use it for myself - when it miraculously became joint money again.

A conversation and an agreement in principle is needed.

OP I think it's because you've always given him the agency to do as he wishes with the money and never challenged it,even though its your money too. Now the precedent has been set it's hard to undo, but undo it somewhat u must. Fair enough if it works for you that he takes on lion share of financial planning but you also get a say,your Now a wallflower so stop acting like that when it's important to you. You've communicated, he's not listened so Now you put your foot down and get as you wish as you've waited 5 years and you know you can afford it. Explain go him how important this is to you don't just expect him to know from the hint and comments,some men are thick like this.
Go get that ring or tell him to sell it it if its never going to be worn as your so fed up waiting to feel valued by him enough to want to do it himself.