Leaving DCs to work abroad

[Doratheantiexplorer]

DSis has the opportunity to work abroad for 4 months. Her motivation is the money although she’s not short of it, we both got a fairly large inheritance from grandparents recently. It would mean her leaving behind DCs aged 18 months, 4 and 6, there isn’t any opportunity to return to the UK in that time due to the long flight. DCs will be looked after by my DM and they see their father once per week.

AIBU to not understand how she can contemplate doing this? Would you be able to leave your DCs that length of time? I wouldn’t be able to do it not sure if Im just not tough enough! It also seems a burden to put on DM who is in her mid seventies and I think she hasn’t been given much of a choice.

What about their father? Where is he?

Yanbu
Surely their DF should be looking after them, not Granny.

No I wouldn’t, especially if it meant they wouldn’t be with their other parent either (why can’t their father do it, out of interest?)

Astonished she asked your mother to do this, and even more astonished she has agreed.

There are plenty of cultures where parents work away from their children for extended periods with no detriment to the children. In this country, military parents are deployed.

It’s not a hard no as an idea from me, though I wouldn’t - and I regularly worked 4 nights away from mine at those ages. But in principle, I wouldn’t judge someone if the opportunity was right for them, and their specific children and situation was OK.

The big question for me here though, is why are they only seeing their father once a week?

Ynbu. Kids are far too young, how do you explain to an 18 month old baby mums going to be gone for 4 months? And your poor mum, that’s too much to expect from her.

Its a big burden to put on the grandmother. Many parents do work away, but the children are with their other parent.

Well I couldn’t do it but some do, but as pp said the DC would usually be with the other parent.

Your DSis needs to find a plan B for who looks after her DC as your mum is highly likely to start to struggle within a couple of days of taking on three children, no matter how fit and capable she thinks she is. Is there a reason why their DF cant have them?

To add... DH ,(army) was away when DD was 15 months to 22 months, with a two weeks break in the middle. Although she doesn't remember that now... she had no idea who her daddy was when he got home. It took a while to get her to trust him.

Insane to be leaving three kids of that age with a woman in her 70s. My mum, who appeared to be in peak physical condition, dropped dead at a similar age without warning.

I feel sorry for the kids and your mum. I suppose she feels unable to say no.

Your mum has a choice in whether she has a choice IYSWIM. She CAN say she can't do it. It's far too big a thing to take on just because you are too polite or scared to say no.

What does she do? I probably wouldn't have done it, but I can see why for a one off 16 weeks and a massive monetary gain it's quite an attractive prospect. Assuming they have their dad it's not going to impact them massively in the grand scheme of things.

I thought from the tone of your post you were going to say she was going to be away for 2-3 years! It's only four months. And it's all very well for you to say that she doesn't need the money, but how do you know? If, as it sounds like, she's on her own (seeing as you've said the DC will only see their father once a week), she may well need to earn more money.

Not a chance would I even consider doing that unless I was absolutely dependent on the money to feed/house my kids. She sounds very selfish (and I’d say exactly the same about a father who wanted to bugger off abroad for 4 months for the same reason). Your DM does have a choice and in your position I’d be supporting her to stand her ground if she doesn’t want to do it!

I was separated from my parents from the age of 3 to nearly 5 - initially it was meant to be 6 months. I was totally fine and no emotional scars decades later.

No way! That's a HUGE time at those ages, and way too much to put on your DM. Given that the money is not essential, I think it's a crazy plan.

Are you male by any chance?

No I'm not!

Four months?

Yes I'd do it if the money was good enough. Four months is nothing.

Wouldn't do it if I had to rely on a parent.

I know a woman who did the same to get specialised medical training (consultant, centre of excellence), and her husband took a leave of absence from work. It was a huge step in her career, and she is very successful, but leaving little ones of that age with someone in their 70s is too much IMHO. A better solution would be to share the care amongst several family members/nanny/annual leave/parental leave.

It's one thing when you live in abject poverty but completely unnecessary if you don't need to financially.

Why does she want to do this aside from the money? Is their prestige or a long term career opportunity?

Would any of you be questioning this if it was the father?

If the father was the main carer and leaving his very, very young children with his 70yr old mother then yes, I'd be similarly appalled.

If the children were left with their other parent I wouldn't think too much of it.

Mother, father, doesn't matter. Its leaving them with someone in mid 70s.

... and the father is still around, let's not forget.

It is not appropriate to leave such young children in the care of an old lady for such a long time. Your mum needs to refuse, as this situation is not good for the children, or for her. Maybe your sister can pay for an au pair to stay and work alongside your mum? This would be a better solution.