Leaving DCs to work abroad

[Doratheantiexplorer]

DSis has the opportunity to work abroad for 4 months. Her motivation is the money although she’s not short of it, we both got a fairly large inheritance from grandparents recently. It would mean her leaving behind DCs aged 18 months, 4 and 6, there isn’t any opportunity to return to the UK in that time due to the long flight. DCs will be looked after by my DM and they see their father once per week.

AIBU to not understand how she can contemplate doing this? Would you be able to leave your DCs that length of time? I wouldn’t be able to do it not sure if Im just not tough enough! It also seems a burden to put on DM who is in her mid seventies and I think she hasn’t been given much of a choice.

I’m going away with DH for 3 days in September and I’ve cried over it once when booking and the second when paying as we leave DC behind. We are going on holiday as a family this year but I can’t stand being away from them for any extended period of time. 4 months is a big fat no from me. It’s a long time not to see your DC!

No, I think that's awful. It's one thing if you have to be in hospital and away for that reason because there is no choice but there's no way I would choose to leave such young children for such a long time.

It's not in their interests. it's also really not fair on the grandmother.

Personally no I couldn't and wouldn't do this.

However as PP have said it is the norm in other cultures.

Dad's also get little if any flack for doing this.

Their father should step up more it's a lot to ask of your mum and will be tiring and DC will be upset and unsettled. They won't fully understand. First their dad largely disappears from their lives and now their mum.

On the other hand your sister is a single mother to 3 young DC she may want to do everything she can to ensure financial security and she may also want to have same opportunities as DCs dad to further her career.

Did your parents ever work away for long periods? Do her colleagues? Is this normalised in her circles?

Personally I think having DC does involve sacrifice and having to put them first.
But if I'm honest being with my DC would be as much about my needs as theirs!

How long is she away for?

My brother is in the military so has, at times, been away from his family. However, his children have always been with his wife (their mother) and he has no choice.

I think the issue here is that the children would be left with their grandma. While I am sure she is very loving and capable, she is in her mid seventies! Three young children require a lot of energy that someone in their seventies is probably going to struggle to give for an extended period of time.

It's hard as it sounds like a good opportunity for your sister but she needs to consider how feasible it is for your mum to take on all three children for 4 months. Can their father not do more?

I would go if I absolutely HAD to, if our finances and security were completely dependent on it etc.

But if I had a choice? No, I would hate to be separated for that long.

@llamajohn

I 100% agree but I know people dislike saying the mum is the main parent.

Generally, it’s true. I think people dislike it when it is used to excuse men from parenting their own children or when it is used to set double standards such as it being perfectly ok for men to have careers but women are expected to sacrifice theirs.

My ex did it but no-one judged him as he’s a man. He went for 7yrs in total. I wouldn’t dream of it with young kids. Even with my youngest 16 I wouldn’t do it until she’s gone to Uni

I think it's awful. May not have been so bad if they were staying with dad full time but to see one parent once a week and not see the other for months is awful. They are so young too, in any typical family they would be really missing their mum and wouldn't understand when she is coming back or why she has left. Might not be the case here, as harsh as it sounds she must be detached to be able to leave them for this length of time unnecessarily.
I say unnecessarily as you say she has plenty of money and there's nothing saying she is in a profession where this is the only way she could earn money.

If he was the main carer and they would only be seeing there mum once a week then yes

I'm sorry your mother has been put in a position where she feels she can't say no to your sister. I really hope a different solution is found, but I think your mother will really struggle, for all the reasons already mentioned.

Be prepared, also, for your mother to approach you for help when that struggle inevitably becomes too much for her and she, maybe, finds it hard to start backpedaling with your sister. 🌹

Plenty of men do it so I don’t see the issue per se jf she wants to, but like others I think it’s weird/sad their dad isn’t looking after them and she shouldn’t put it on your mum,

Unreasonable on every level.