Leaving DCs to work abroad

[Doratheantiexplorer]

DSis has the opportunity to work abroad for 4 months. Her motivation is the money although she’s not short of it, we both got a fairly large inheritance from grandparents recently. It would mean her leaving behind DCs aged 18 months, 4 and 6, there isn’t any opportunity to return to the UK in that time due to the long flight. DCs will be looked after by my DM and they see their father once per week.

AIBU to not understand how she can contemplate doing this? Would you be able to leave your DCs that length of time? I wouldn’t be able to do it not sure if Im just not tough enough! It also seems a burden to put on DM who is in her mid seventies and I think she hasn’t been given much of a choice.

I wouldn't. I'd either take the children with me and have a nanny or not go.

I go away with work semi regularly but only for 2-3 nights. And I miss them LIKE CRAZY.

No way would I.

Not even in the guardianship of my husband. He's more than capable I would just miss them too much.

No job or money is worth it.

And I think leaving with a 70 year old parent is beyond selfish. My parents have our two and my niece and there are two fit healthy parents and they are knackered within 24 hours. They can cope with my two (older) for 4-5 days.

I think 4 months is fine… I live in a military area so maybe that’s influencing me. With video calls it’s not ideal but hardly going to scar the dc.

If she's a single parent which it sounds like, I can see why she is making the decision. She's thinking of the long term, 4 months without her children vs financial security for her children's future.

I judge the father for not jumping at the opportunity of spending 4 months with his DC instead of just once a week.

If it genuinely gave us a great opportunity in the future due to the money, yes. It's only western culture that has an issue with this, many, many cultures, both men and women work in foreign countries whilst their children are looked after by relatives at home, and it's normal. Judging your sister because she just got money, when she's solely responsible for three kids, except for one night a week, is a bit shit. That money won't last as long as it will if you're in a dual income household

I mean, if it's life changing money, like down payment or buying off your debts, it could be worth it. Kids are resilient.

Neither if us would have done it when our kids were those ages and don’t think our kids would have coped well if either of us was away for 4 months.

To not have their mum for 4 months at their young ages, who has been a single mum and main caregiver to them, would be awful for them. I have sympathy for your sister though if she’s just trying to provide a good life for them. If she’s a good and loving mum, try not to be too judgemental.

The father sounds like a disgrace for only seeing them once a week and my judgement would be all saved up for him. What’s going on there?

It’s a lot for your mum to take on. She must say no if it’s too much for her, she does have a choice and must speak up if she’s not ok with it. Will you be willing/able to help your mum?

We are grandparents in our very early seventies. We are fit, well, healthy and get lots of exercise. We do childcare for our grandchildren 2 long days a week. There are 2 of us and my husband is very hands on. We have occasionally done a week for 2 children. There is absolutely no way we could do 4 months.

Why is the father not taking some more responsibility? They are his kids too. A friend of mine left her child with her husband for quite a long while when she worked abroad. She was back every few weeks and her husband looked after the child well. The relationship with her now adult child did not recover from this.

Men do it but I couldn't imagine doing it.
I think it is an enormous burden for your mother, far too much in fact.
I think if people see your mother struggling and know, they could call SS.

You don’t know that. Any psychologist will tell you that a prolonged period of separation from the primary caregiver is a bad idea, especially before the age of three. It’s called attachment theory, you can look it up.

I wouldn’t do this in a million years and I think she’s awful and selfish for considering it.

* We are grandparents in our very early seventies. We are fit, well, healthy and get lots of exercise. We do childcare for our grandchildren 2 long days a week. There are 2 of us and my husband is very hands on. We have occasionally done a week for 2 children. There is absolutely no way we could do 4 months.*

This. 3 very young children in the care of a woman in her mid 70s for 4 months?! It would exhaust most people of reproductive age let alone a woman of this age. And those children will likely be more challenging due to missing their mum.

In and of itself a parent going away for 4 months needn't be a bad thing, FaceTime makes staying in contact doable. But the youngest being 18 months and it not being the other parent staying home to give love and stability to the kids it just doesn't feel right. That said, maybe your sister is looking at the bigger picture and believes this 4 months is in the best long term interest her DC. We don't know enough details. But I still think it's a rotten plan for your DM.

I wouldn’t like to leave my children for so long at such a long age for a trip that’s not essential. I would only contemplate doing so if they were in the care of their parent, not a grandparent. That combination of kids, I’d be delighted with 24 hours of babysitting for a night out. SIBVU.

I think leaving the kids with your mum and not their father is the bog problem. It's incredibly selfish and an unreasonable request.
I had the opportunity to progress into my absolute dream career recently but it meant going abroad for 6 months alone - I have 4 kids and simply couldn't leave them for that long.

So military kids have selfish parents? We don’t know her reasons but a single mum with an opportunity that’s short term but could help her career and put her in a better financial position may be a good thing. None of us have the full picture and no one would raise and eyebrow if it was the dad working away. It’s rarely as black and white as readers are suggesting.

As an Army wife...
It does effect the kids. We know that. There is special things put in place to help mitigate it, but it does have an effect on them.

As a said upthread... my toddler forgot who her father was. She saw pictures... but couldn't distinguish between him or any other guy in uniform. She wasn't the only one.

Now they are 11 and 13. Every time there is a school play or special event... they get hopeful. But know he probably won't be there. And it sucks. Todays Fathers Day... he's not here.

They accept his job. They know its important. To the outside world, they appear fine. But I'm the one who sees the cracks.

Is this mother selfish? Not necessarily. Parents have to make hard choices, and they try to do the best thing. But it will have consequences, which have to be acknowledged.

There's another thread at the moment asking if a 70yo can look after a baby overnight and many say no to that.

As a mum no.

But dh has been to Iraq and Afghanistan for 6 months 6 times and it seems more acceptable for the dad.

However I looked after our kids. I wouldn't have expected grandparents to.

I wouldn't do this, no.

My DD is 17 months old and I have to leave her for 4 night next week and I'm already dreading that even though she'll be with her dad.

Completly unreasonable for her to expect your mum to do this.
And why isn't theur father having them? Your mum could help with school pick ups and an hour after school for oldest, with full time care for younger 2 in nursery. And then Dad should be having overnight and weekends.
Thats about the limit of what could be expected, abd that would be generous

My parents are fit and active early 70's, they kindly have our girls to stay 3 days in Easter holidays (I work a 3 day week during holidays) and 2 seperate sets of 3 days in summer holidays. And after 3 days they need a week to recover. My girls are 5 and 8, and the oldest is very independent.

I know many people who’ve done this, it’s quite normal in various cultural groups.

I wouldn’t, not because of the effect on kids - I’m sure they’d be fine - but selfishly because it would upset me.

Why is their dad so uninvolved? That would
worry me also.

Doesn't mean it's the right thing to do... And do you think these parents would do it if they could get a decent salary in the town they live in?

They're doing this because they're essentially forced to, not because they choose to and think leaving kids 1000s of miles away is a great idea...

If I were you I would be worried about getting roped in when your mum struggles. No way will she be able to cope with three very young children at her age. 18 month olds still need lots of carrying and your mum might not be strong enough!

Either the dad needs to have them or if your mum is adamant on this, she stays in their home with them and has a full time nanny to help.

The children might play up too, separation anxiety etc, it’s not going to be easy!

Whilst I'm not suggesting that the 70yo should be looking after 3 kids for months. I don't know if a flying visit for 3 days is comparable.

Of the GKs are visiting for 3 days, you're more likely to have planned interesting stuff to do, like take them into town, visit museums etc...bjt if it's 3 months, it's more likely to be "normal" day to day living, and perhaps not quite as intense.

Still too much hard work for someone in their 70s, but perhaps different.

Where's the children's father?

That's a lot to heap on granny. 3 very young kids is a LOT for anyone.

That being said, parents have to go away for work for long periods for all sorts of reasons. It's not that unusual. Those who work in the military, oil and gas industries, cruise ships etc.

I'm not THAT opposed if it'll really benefit the family long term, but I think the childcare arrangements need looking at.

It's because mums are generally the primary caregiver. Dad's often aren't the ones sorting out the kids lives, tending to them when hurt, helping with homework, chatting with them whilst doing the laundry, making sure the kids are getting to dentist from school, doing the drudge work

Assume she has split with the father. How does he feel about this?

It’s mad to expect someone in their 70s to look after 3 DC that young for four months.

You are right OP.

Yes, some families do it but no doubt there will be consequences to manage - either in the short term if they are lucky -or impacting their whole lives if not ( read PP Attachment Theory)

My heart goes out to your Mum, she also is only trying to do her best for her own child. It never ends does it for women.

And finally Shame upon Shame on that Dad. I just don't understand sometimes how 'some' men think so little in terms of supporting their own flesh and blood.

It's hard being a lone parent and I sincerely hope she finds a way forward and/or out of this for the best, whatever she decides to do.