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Original poster

DH threw sentimental toys away

256 replies

VSadMum · 15/06/2024 19:16

My DH has an issue with throwing things away without speaking to me first. If he tidies up in our house he just bins stuff without checking it first. He’s binned my passport and other important documents before now. He promised me that he would stop doing that. God forbid if I threw away so much as a paper clip that belonged to him.

About a month ago our 3 y/o DS got hold of a sharpie and you can imagine, he drew on a lot of his toys. He also drew on some toys that had belonged to my older son (21 y/o) that had been passed onto him. I read up that acetone can remove sharpie and put the toys and stuffed toys into bags in the downstairs shower room that we use for storage. I specifically told my DH that I was going to try and get the sharpie off. I’ve been busy, we’ve been on holiday etc and I have two young children who I look after, I hadn’t got round to cleaning the toys up.

There was also a sweet little bear made up of fabrics from clothes I bought for a baby I later miscarried. I liked that my subsequent children played with that bear. I imagined my grandchildren playing with those toys and that bear one day. I wanted to clean it without destroying it so I’ve been looking online for how to do it, so yes, a month later it was still all sitting there, not in the way or anything.

So today I found out he just took it all to the tip. It’s the sentimental value of some of these toys I am most upset about, especially the bear. I can’t replace them. If I had wanted them binned I would have done it myself in the first place. He didn’t ask me about it, or tell me he was going to do it. He told me afterwards. I am very upset, particularly about the toys that belonged to my older son and the bear. (Not his son) They were all really nice wooden toys, a train set, stacking toys etc. there was nothing wrong with them except some sharpie on them. They were quite old and the sort of things I wanted to keep.

He said he did me a favour going to the tip (I asked him to take some stuff from the garden) and I had no right to be mad with him and now he’s sulking. I’ve asked him time and time again to stop just throwing things away. He’s forever binning my things, because he’s decided I don’t need them or it’s rubbish and he always says it’s “accident.” He can’t understand why I’m upset. I’m very upset and mad because he KNEW that I wanted to clean them up. He’s acting like I’m being silly and unreasonable, I don’t think I am. I keep imagine all those well loved little toys sitting in a skip and I’m genuinely so, so upset. I genuinely believe he did it on purpose, as he’s now saying it was accidental. How can it be accidental?

Am I making a big fuss about nothing?

OP posts:
tothelefttotheleft · 16/06/2024 14:37

@WalkingonWheels

That's so hurtful. I'm so sorry he did this to you.

MrsMitford3 · 16/06/2024 14:42

oh @VSadMum I am so so sorry-I am also sentimental and would be devastated by this.

I will say that my first husband died aged 28. I kept a load of things that were hugely important to my memories with him and felt they honoured him.

Nothing as poignant as your bear for sure but over many years and a few house moves I came to see it was too much stuff to keep carrying around and that I could honour his memory without keeping the sunflower mug he used to drink out of among many many other things.

It is very different because it was my decision but I would say that I hope you can find peace and know your memories and love for your baby are not tied to that bear but are in your heart and soul.

But I also must say that I am afraid I find your husbands actions unforgivable.
Not his memories, not his choice.

UnpackingBooksFromBoxes · 16/06/2024 14:42

My dad used to do this, he’d announce a clear out and tell us we were now too old for whatever toy and throw them out. It used to really upset me. I’ve spoken with him about it as an adult and he has apologised but as a result I never have got rid of anything of my children’s unless they wanted to.

SOxon · 16/06/2024 14:56

tothelefttotheleft · 16/06/2024 14:27

@SOxon

I'm so sorry he did that to you. Such an enormous loss.

thank you for your kind remark -

I’m sad for OP and her baby, which wasn’t her husband’s baby,
so there is the answer.
He has been wanting to dispose of this memory for a while,
despite OP
saying her husband did not know - husband absolutely did.

Scorchio84 · 16/06/2024 15:08

what an asshole! I'm really anal about clutter etc so I do a clear out every few months or so BUT I have so much from my sons early years that are never going anywhere, toys, clothes that have memories, I'd be devasted too x

Mydogmylife · 16/06/2024 15:25

Anotherparkingthread · 16/06/2024 13:11

Op take a deep breath.

I see lots of commentings calling your husband an a-hole but honestly, it's not good to let it whip you up into a rage. Being angry and hurt isn't going to change what's happened it will just upset you more.

They are just items. And while he shouldn't have thrown them away and I understand they are sentimental, you have not lost any of your memories by losing them. You, and your experiences are still whole, those objects didn't define you, your life, or your relationship with your children.

They were already damaged too, and while Sharpie can sometimes be removed often it can't. I know you weren't ready to let the items go but allowing yourself to move on from them will actually make this less painful. Agonising over them will mean you stay unhappy. The items served their purpose, they were loved and played with, they brought joy. Don't let that be ruined by remembering them painfully.

What bollocks! Ops items and memories to do with as SHE likes. These items weren’t lost through an accident(flood /fire) when moving on in the way you suggest might be helpful, they were deliberately binned by the person she should be able to trust

maryberryslayers · 16/06/2024 15:47

I'm so sorry for you OP, I'd be just as devastated as you. I really struggle to let go of things belonging to my children.

Could you try and source some of the same wooden toys? I know they wouldn't be the same but it might help you feel a bit better.

I think you need to have a locked room in the house with your desk and personal items.

I'm sorry but saying DH 'doesn't know what he's doing' isn't good enough. He's an adult and unless he has special needs, he can control his own actions and be aware of his the affect others.

GinForBreakfast · 16/06/2024 15:50

I'm so sorry OP. You don't have to justify your feelings. You would be entirely within reason to divorce him. He sounds unrehabilitative

VJBR · 16/06/2024 16:09

VSadMum · 16/06/2024 02:43

He isn’t abusive. Aside from this throwing things away habit he doesn’t do anything bad. He’s supportive with what I want to do, he’s a good dad to our DS and DD, he’s a good stepfather and has always been good to my oldest son. He works hard and he’s very loving to all of us. He isn’t controlling, most of the time he’s in his own little world, and says yes dear no dear. He’s just stupid and thoughtless. He isn’t malicious either. He’s thick. I can’t think of any other way to explain it. When it comes to people and emotions, he’s thick. He is often very rude and he doesn’t understand he’s been rude. I have to explain it to him and then he will go and do the same thing again and be puzzled by the negative response he gets. His people and social skills are really bad. It’s like trying to train a dumb animal that enjoys running in front of trains or something equally stupid. He has zero people/social skills and he has onto have things explained to him in idiot terms like “X I am very upset and hurt because-“ and then after repeating that several times he might actually begin to understand for a week or two and then we are right back to square one.

He genuinely doesn’t understand why I’m so upset about “ruined” toys because we can just buy some new ones. He thought I’d be pleased that he cleared the shower room out as we’ve got relatives coming to stay soon. No, we have two other bathrooms and nobody uses the shower room so I store things in there. If I wanted it cleared out I would have said when you take the garden stuff to the tip, take the stuff in the shower room too.

He didn’t know about the sentiment behind the bear. Obviously he knew about the late miscarriage I had before I met him but I don’t talk about it the same as I don’t talk about the miscarriage I had between our DS and DD. Regardless, I had a life before I met him (11 years ago) and I have possessions from that life and those possessions are mine and I shouldn’t have to explain why I am attached to them. We are in our forties for goodness sakes. He shouldn’t throw things of mine out just because he thinks I don’t need them or they aren’t anything important. I cried and told him about why that bear was so important and he’s going to go to the tip first thing to try and get it all back. But I am beyond frustrated about him doing this. He’s apologised but I know he will do it again. Maybe not with toys etc but he goes on these mad cleaning sprees and nearly every time he bins something, appointment letters, cards from people, paperwork (I work from home), pictures our DS has drawn for me. He’s never thrown anything like this away before though. He’s admitted it wasn’t accidental and he said over and over that he thought I wouldn’t mind and I would be glad he did it and saved me the job of trying to fix them or throw them away myself.

He’s actually managed to throw away his own birth certificate because it didn’t occur to him to unfold it and see what it was. It isnt accidental, it’s a a stupid thing which he never seems to learn from. My passport for eg, he absolutely refused to believe he had thrown it away because why would he throw a passport away and tore the house apart because he had paid for a weekend in France for us and he was adamant he couldn’t have possibly have thrown it away. In the end he had to admit that he might have thrown the folder it was in away and couldn’t explain why or how he thought that clearing my desk out was a good idea and said he was just trying to help me out by tidying it up. I wish he would just leave things alone and when he gets one of his ideas about “sorting out” he just wouldn’t. I’m tired of going over it with him. He seemed hurt and puzzled by my getting so upset today about what he’s done.

If I threw anything of his away then yes he would go mad. He likes everything of his in the same place as he left it as he’s got this mad ocd type organisation and he can’t understand that his way isn’t my way. I don’t touch his stuff and I expect the same courtesy back. The house is not cluttered, it is clean and tidy and I have no idea what his obsession is about my things. He’s thrown half used bottles of expensive perfume away before now because I hadn’t worn it for a while. Make up. I don’t wear it every day, not even every week, doesn’t bloody mean I don’t want it. My books are all kept in my office and he’s always saying maybe you should get rid of some? He once threw some old ones away because they were battered. They were actually very old, like printed in the 1900’s old and he had to replace them all and it cost him a lot of money. I thought he had learned his lesson with that. He’s a ham fisted t*t who breaks everything he touches (seriously he can’t open an oven door without breaking it) and he drives me insane and he always thinks he’s being helpful when he’s not.

My boys toys though… I’m hoping other mums understand this. I was a young mum with my first son. I didn’t have a lot of money. I saved up for his nice toys, properly made wooden toys that he could keep for his own children. It’s made me smile for years seeing those toys… he gave them to his little brother to play with, and my DD (2) has played with them too. They were well loved and a constant feature for 20 years of my life. My eldest DS said when he had kids he would reclaim them as he liked the idea of passing them down. That’s a big part of why a bit of sharpie wasn’t going to make me just bin them. I would have fcking repainted them if I had to. They mean that much to me and my oldest son. I have two small children and I work full time, I just hadn’t gotten around to it. I hadn’t forgotten and I had actually taken a few bits and pieces out of the bags and started to figure out what I could do with them. Oldest son is aware of what’s happened and he’s said why oh why can’t he just leave things alone? They have a good relationship and he knows it wasn’t malicious but he also knows DH well enough to know that he won’t be able to grasp why I’m so upset or why those things were sentimental and why he should have just left them the fck alone. He (DH) says he thought I would be more upset at keeping ruined toys and being reminded about how upset I was when DS first scribbled on them. No!!!! If I couldn’t have got the sharpie off or repainted them then the sharpie would have just been part of their story and probably would have been laughed about in the future.

And that bear. When I first lost my baby, many years ago, at a stage where you are starting to feel the odd kick and thinking about nurseries and prams- I didn’t have anything to show I had given birth. There was no birth or death certificate or anything. I made that bear myself. A patchwork bear. It’s all I had. It’s been well loved, is in baby photos of my other children, slept with them and been present all these years and it’s always made me feel like my little baby is still very much part of the family. The idea of that bear sitting in a skip, abandoned and getting rained on makes me feel physically sick. I know he didn’t know, it’s just a bear to him, but the very fact it’s old and I’ve kept it so long should have made him think, hang on a minute. But no. I sometimes think he just has some sort of tunnel vision and is like the f*cking terminator when he gets an idea in to his head. I know he’s a bit weird, like he has a routine that he sticks to and can’t handle it being changed and these sorting out sprees are something he does but I am so tired of going through this and this is by far the worst thing he’s ever done. Losing documents and even my passport has been irritating and I’ve yelled at him countless of times but this time it really hurts. He’s really hurt me and he isn’t the sort of man who hurts people. That makes it worse iykwim.

He hates seeing me cry and he’s very apologetic now but if he actually listened and stopped doing this then we wouldn’t be here now. I can’t even look at him. If I can’t get those things back then I don’t know how we are going to move forward or if we can. I am absolutely devastated and beyond frustrated. I can’t even articulate how angry I am. The fact that he just doesn’t get it makes it worse. He’s being empathetic and trying to figure out how to get it all back but I know he doesn’t really grasp it. I know that there’s more important things going on in the world and my two little children haven’t noticed, but I really am so upset about it.

I am sorry but throwing away your half used perfume is controlling.

VJBR · 16/06/2024 16:11

I am so very sorry for you. It is no good being sorry after, is it?

ManilowBarry · 16/06/2024 16:13

@maryberryslayers

'I think you need to have a locked room in the house with your desk and personal items.'

The only locked room should be a basement for the ops husband to live.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/06/2024 16:27

"If I threw anything of his away then yes he would go mad."

Then that is what I would be doing. As soon as he was out of my sight I'd be going round and gathering all manner of his stuff. I might take it to the tip, I might torch it in the old barbeque in the back garden. I would definitely not just be hiding it, I would absolutely be DESTROYING it.

I would be So. Fucking. Angry. (I'm pretty fucking angry just reading about it.) And if he ever - EVER - binned anything of mine again, I would be binning him. No question. I would make sure that he knows he's on notice. Bin my stuff, I'll divorce you. The disrespect he is showing you is off the charts.

"He isn’t abusive."
Yes, he is. You have told him time and again not to bin your stuff - and yet he persists, knowing you've told him not to. Because he know better than you. Fucker.

pikkumyy77 · 16/06/2024 16:28

Maybe someone else has posted this: look into the thread on ASD partners.

There are only two possibilities when we look at human behavior: deliberate with foresight as to consequences or rigid/misattuned to situations, contexts, consequences.

In the first a normal person makes a mistake, sees the consequences (unhappy wife, costly consequences) and corrects and doesn’t do the same thing again. If they see and understand the consequences and don’t self correct then the negative consequences for you are the goal. Thats abuse.

If they are mind blind, lack insight and foresight, then we understand that they are doomed to keep making these stupid mistakes. Then you have to decide how to live with this dog that eternally eats what it shouldn’t and vomits on the carpet.

Anotherparkingthread · 16/06/2024 16:31

AngeloMysterioso · 16/06/2024 13:26

All the sensitivity of a blunt pickaxe there.

They were not just “items” for fuck’s sake.

Show quote history

They were though, they were literally just stuff and they were already damaged.

I cannot believe the people on here encouraging op to be fucking miserable and angry. It literally screams of people who have no ability to move on or enjoy life encouraging others to behave in the same way.

Things get broken, lost and damaged all the time. Important things, valuable things, sentimental things. And the world doesn't come to an end. Life goes in tomorrow.

The people here who are so hung up on items likely have severe hoarding disorder and are bizarrely possessive over objects and hung up on their significance. It's not healthy at all.

SOxon · 16/06/2024 16:31

ManilowBarry · 16/06/2024 16:13

@maryberryslayers

'I think you need to have a locked room in the house with your desk and personal items.'

The only locked room should be a basement for the ops husband to live.

or down the Fruit Cellar

SOxon · 16/06/2024 16:38

Anotherparkingthread · 16/06/2024 16:31

They were though, they were literally just stuff and they were already damaged.

I cannot believe the people on here encouraging op to be fucking miserable and angry. It literally screams of people who have no ability to move on or enjoy life encouraging others to behave in the same way.

Things get broken, lost and damaged all the time. Important things, valuable things, sentimental things. And the world doesn't come to an end. Life goes in tomorrow.

The people here who are so hung up on items likely have severe hoarding disorder and are bizarrely possessive over objects and hung up on their significance. It's not healthy at all.

Show quote history

offensive, unpleasant, irrational post, insults us all

Whataretalkingabout · 16/06/2024 16:46

This thread has been an eye opener for me and has helped me to finally understand the personality type of someone with many opposing characteristics that I have not seen described before.
I know someone very similar with this peculiar attitude. And yes they are a nice enough, responsible, successful , respected contributing member of society.
I think this person displays characteristics of a highly controlling nature, someone who is extremely jealous and feels a need to punish you for any interest you may be showing outside of them.
I agree with the pp that mentioned he probably has very little theory of mind- capacity to put himself in your position because his own needs and feelings take up all the space. This is basically an egocentric person who pretends to be an adult.
A very childish nature whenever he doesn't get his way who then sulks, gives the silent treatment, throws a tantrum, is selfish and won't share his toys but is revengeful and happy to throw yours away - literally.

What is astounding and confusing is this person isn't stupid, but can even be highly intelligent. What the OP is interpreting as stupidity is actually what is now referred to as low emotional intelligence, but used to be called emotional immaturity.
This person never evolved emotionally much beyond the age of 2. Is this narcissistic or abusive in itself? It definitely seems to be. It may not be a conscious decision to treat you abusively, but that certainly looks like narcissistic, ie. selfish behaviour.

So the million dollar question, @VSadMum is if this is unconscious behavior, is this person responsible for it and you should ltb for your children and yourself? Or since this person is unaware of his behavior, should he be forgiven and allowed to get away with it?

I would appreciate any feedback.

MadameDePompityPomp · 16/06/2024 16:51

Anotherparkingthread · 16/06/2024 16:31

They were though, they were literally just stuff and they were already damaged.

I cannot believe the people on here encouraging op to be fucking miserable and angry. It literally screams of people who have no ability to move on or enjoy life encouraging others to behave in the same way.

Things get broken, lost and damaged all the time. Important things, valuable things, sentimental things. And the world doesn't come to an end. Life goes in tomorrow.

The people here who are so hung up on items likely have severe hoarding disorder and are bizarrely possessive over objects and hung up on their significance. It's not healthy at all.

Show quote history

you have all the emotional intelligence of a gnat.

PollyPeachum · 16/06/2024 16:57

It seems as if @Anotherparkingthread suffers the same traits as the OP's DH.
With added spite.

SOxon · 16/06/2024 16:57

@Whataretalkingabout
YOU would appreciate any feedback? breathtaking arrogance
should you be hijacking this very emotive thread for your own research?
Besides which, I believe the OP to be in UK, not America,

SOxon · 16/06/2024 17:01

Solipsism -

Whataretalkingabout · 16/06/2024 17:05

@Soxon,
Speaking of emotional unintelligence.....
I am not highjacking this thread. I was hoping to provide what I feel is insight for the OP and wanted to hear what PP thought.

This website is open to all speakers of English as you should know by now .
So do not try to intimidate me with insults and assumptions about myself or the OP.

TheCheeseThief · 16/06/2024 17:08

I'd go round and collect his stuff and take it to the top.

Anotherparkingthread · 16/06/2024 17:08

PollyPeachum · 16/06/2024 16:57

It seems as if @Anotherparkingthread suffers the same traits as the OP's DH.
With added spite.

Oh please.

In the only person on this entire thread who has said anything that is an attempt to help op move on from it.

Half the other posters are being vindictive enough to suggest op now go on a spree of destroying her husbands stuff (a really mature and unflammatory way to resolve conflict in a relationship, I'm sure). Or divorce him. I can see why so many relationships on here end in failure if the value of the marriage is reduced to less than a collection of old toys - toys that her DH had no idea of the sentiment behind either!

Also DH is taking a lot of blame, the toys were already old and further destroyed a month ago by a 3 year old. Perhaps op should divorce her son too? If they were so important surely they would be locked away somewhere safe? And no matter how much they could be cleaned up etc I cannot imagine in 10 years time if grandkids are born, op's daughter in law being thrilled to receive Sharpie covered decade old blocks for her baby, ihe seen actual threads on here titled things like 'MIL bringing us stuff fron charity shops'. Imagining uses for things that have no use is one of the biggest reasons people end up in houses that look like landfills.

republicofjam · 16/06/2024 17:12

Anotherparkingthread · 16/06/2024 16:31

They were though, they were literally just stuff and they were already damaged.

I cannot believe the people on here encouraging op to be fucking miserable and angry. It literally screams of people who have no ability to move on or enjoy life encouraging others to behave in the same way.

Things get broken, lost and damaged all the time. Important things, valuable things, sentimental things. And the world doesn't come to an end. Life goes in tomorrow.

The people here who are so hung up on items likely have severe hoarding disorder and are bizarrely possessive over objects and hung up on their significance. It's not healthy at all.

Show quote history

In your opinion, which you have a perfect right to but do you really think this post is the place to argue it?

Swipe left for the next trending thread