DH threw sentimental toys away

[VSadMum]

My DH has an issue with throwing things away without speaking to me first. If he tidies up in our house he just bins stuff without checking it first. He’s binned my passport and other important documents before now. He promised me that he would stop doing that. God forbid if I threw away so much as a paper clip that belonged to him.

About a month ago our 3 y/o DS got hold of a sharpie and you can imagine, he drew on a lot of his toys. He also drew on some toys that had belonged to my older son (21 y/o) that had been passed onto him. I read up that acetone can remove sharpie and put the toys and stuffed toys into bags in the downstairs shower room that we use for storage. I specifically told my DH that I was going to try and get the sharpie off. I’ve been busy, we’ve been on holiday etc and I have two young children who I look after, I hadn’t got round to cleaning the toys up.

There was also a sweet little bear made up of fabrics from clothes I bought for a baby I later miscarried. I liked that my subsequent children played with that bear. I imagined my grandchildren playing with those toys and that bear one day. I wanted to clean it without destroying it so I’ve been looking online for how to do it, so yes, a month later it was still all sitting there, not in the way or anything.

So today I found out he just took it all to the tip. It’s the sentimental value of some of these toys I am most upset about, especially the bear. I can’t replace them. If I had wanted them binned I would have done it myself in the first place. He didn’t ask me about it, or tell me he was going to do it. He told me afterwards. I am very upset, particularly about the toys that belonged to my older son and the bear. (Not his son) They were all really nice wooden toys, a train set, stacking toys etc. there was nothing wrong with them except some sharpie on them. They were quite old and the sort of things I wanted to keep.

He said he did me a favour going to the tip (I asked him to take some stuff from the garden) and I had no right to be mad with him and now he’s sulking. I’ve asked him time and time again to stop just throwing things away. He’s forever binning my things, because he’s decided I don’t need them or it’s rubbish and he always says it’s “accident.” He can’t understand why I’m upset. I’m very upset and mad because he KNEW that I wanted to clean them up. He’s acting like I’m being silly and unreasonable, I don’t think I am. I keep imagine all those well loved little toys sitting in a skip and I’m genuinely so, so upset. I genuinely believe he did it on purpose, as he’s now saying it was accidental. How can it be accidental?

Am I making a big fuss about nothing?

Oh geez. That’s so tough. The wooden toys, can you replace them with the same things ? I know not the exact same. But if you look on marketplace you might find them.

This would certainly concentrate my DHs mind.
If he still keeps on doing this then I really would be considering your relationship long term, as that would indicate a terminal lack of respect.

Oh I'm so so sorry. I can't imagine losing something so important. Honestly a passport is meaningless in comparison. A passport is 60 quid and a bit of paperwork. These are irreplaceable.

Honestly I don't have any advice, I can't imagine I could ever get past the anger, I'd want to burn everything he owned. I'd watch his every move for the rest of my life waiting for the next thing.

You say he doesnt do these things on purpose but come on, theres no way hes done this this many times and it's still accidental. He doesnt care about your things.

I'd of gone mad aswell. I'm so sorry you couldnt get any of it back.

After the amount of times he has done this to you this would be my final straw. What a selfish selfish man

After all the updates and posts you are still rejecting reality.
He is not, repeat NOT a nice person. He cannot stop himself hurting you.
You are gaslighting yourself.
LTB

Well he can stop. He just chooses not to.
This behaviour isn’t an accident.

I came back for a look hoping you'd have been able to get it all back OP - I'm so sorry it's gone (and if me burning my passport would help I'd do it, but it won't)

There would be no coming back from this for me, and I'm pretty forgiving. I don't think I could even look at him.

It's not an accident. Especially because he is so precious about his belongings. I'd honestly take his most precious thing and destroy it in the heat of it all,

Maybe ask him to move out temporarily.

Be kind to yourself op.

I’m really sorry OP. As soon as you said the tip I knew you wasn’t going to get anything back.

I’m so sorry your things couldn’t be retrieved. If you can bear it, ask him why he didn’t just move them to another room if he was trying to be “helpful”? Why not put them in your regular bin? Why did he have to take them so far away where you had little to no chance of getting them back? Even if he genuinely didn’t think it would hurt your feelings, it still wasn’t an accident.

I'm sorry, but there would be no coming back from that. None whatsoever.

Even if he is it doesn't excuse or even explain his behaviour.

He's had this explained to him but continues to behave in the same way.

He’s doing it on purpose. It’s not an accident it is vindictive bullshit.

start helping him to clean up his stuff and binning it.

Op take a deep breath.

I see lots of commentings calling your husband an a-hole but honestly, it's not good to let it whip you up into a rage. Being angry and hurt isn't going to change what's happened it will just upset you more.

They are just items. And while he shouldn't have thrown them away and I understand they are sentimental, you have not lost any of your memories by losing them. You, and your experiences are still whole, those objects didn't define you, your life, or your relationship with your children.

They were already damaged too, and while Sharpie can sometimes be removed often it can't. I know you weren't ready to let the items go but allowing yourself to move on from them will actually make this less painful. Agonising over them will mean you stay unhappy. The items served their purpose, they were loved and played with, they brought joy. Don't let that be ruined by remembering them painfully.

This is heart-breaking. I know you're saying that it's just because he's thick, but I find it very interesting that his thickness doesn't usually extend to binning his own wanted stuff - and that he would be angry at you if you were to ever do to him what he routinely does to you.

This sounds flippant, but it really isn't: is there any way to get somebody banned from the tip? Like people with gambling or alcohol problems can be put on a 'do not serve' list at the bookies/gambling websites or the local off-licence? You say the people who work at the tip are kind and sympathetic - could you have a word with them and see if they can put up a sign in their office/booth to say that your car must be turned away unless there's a woman driving it? Or, if (like us), you have to show a permit to use the tip (to prove that you live in the county), simply take the permit and keep it somewhere he can never find it?

Living like this is so psychologically damaging. People fear burglary - and suffer long-term afterwards if they have - not just because of expensive items that they may lose, but the feeling of invasion and lack of feeling that they and their belongings are safe in their own home. Just because he isn't violently breaking in (he doesn't need to) or deliberately stealing your things, the effect is very similar. Your home should be your sanctuary, and with him there, it isn't. Your child may only be 3 now, but he will grow and learn the same thing: that daddy's belongings are important and cannot be touched or moved, but that everybody else's things are liable to be taken and thrown away at any time if daddy doesn't want them to keep them, no matter how precious; because only what he wants matters.

Anotherparkingthread

I take it when you lost your child you just chucked everything out then?

All the sensitivity of a blunt pickaxe there.

They were not just “items” for fuck’s sake.

That's awful of him. I could perhaps accept someone doing that sort of thing ONCE as an accident; but repeatedly, and with things of such sentimental value- no! Perhaps your outburst will be a wake-up call to him for the future (though it won't bring back what has already been lost). If not, I'd suggest that the next thing that gets sent to the tip should be him!

I think your reaction was a release of emotions not just because of this most recent thing he's done but years of accepting and tolerating his behaviour.

I completely understand how distressed you must feel.

He is not going j go o change. This is who he is and in my opinion he's a nasty nasty man.

It's more damaging to go through life as a wet wipe as you suggest she does rather than stand up and challenge awful behaviour and make sure she tells him how angry she is and then refuse to tolerate it happening again by not being in a relationship with him.

Oh OP. You are grieving for your poor lost baby and your memories and I totally get it. These things meant a lot and now they are gone. It's horrible for you.

You need to be angry and upset for a while. Grief is not something to be glossed over and you have every right to sit in the grief and let it all out.

I'm so sorry they couldn't be found at the tip. It's very sad.

My ex husband used to do this as a means of control. As a result, I have absolutely nothing from when my child was a baby. He threw away my most precious memories and knew exactly what he was doing.

You may mean well but this response is deviod of empathy and totally tone deaf. It is for the OP to decide whether the items had served their purpose, for her they clearly hadn't and as one of the them was her only reminder of her lost baby I can understand why.

you are of course free to live your life as a doormat but don't advise other people to do so.

@SOxon

I'm so sorry he did that to you. Such an enormous loss.