DH threw sentimental toys away

[VSadMum]

My DH has an issue with throwing things away without speaking to me first. If he tidies up in our house he just bins stuff without checking it first. He’s binned my passport and other important documents before now. He promised me that he would stop doing that. God forbid if I threw away so much as a paper clip that belonged to him.

About a month ago our 3 y/o DS got hold of a sharpie and you can imagine, he drew on a lot of his toys. He also drew on some toys that had belonged to my older son (21 y/o) that had been passed onto him. I read up that acetone can remove sharpie and put the toys and stuffed toys into bags in the downstairs shower room that we use for storage. I specifically told my DH that I was going to try and get the sharpie off. I’ve been busy, we’ve been on holiday etc and I have two young children who I look after, I hadn’t got round to cleaning the toys up.

There was also a sweet little bear made up of fabrics from clothes I bought for a baby I later miscarried. I liked that my subsequent children played with that bear. I imagined my grandchildren playing with those toys and that bear one day. I wanted to clean it without destroying it so I’ve been looking online for how to do it, so yes, a month later it was still all sitting there, not in the way or anything.

So today I found out he just took it all to the tip. It’s the sentimental value of some of these toys I am most upset about, especially the bear. I can’t replace them. If I had wanted them binned I would have done it myself in the first place. He didn’t ask me about it, or tell me he was going to do it. He told me afterwards. I am very upset, particularly about the toys that belonged to my older son and the bear. (Not his son) They were all really nice wooden toys, a train set, stacking toys etc. there was nothing wrong with them except some sharpie on them. They were quite old and the sort of things I wanted to keep.

He said he did me a favour going to the tip (I asked him to take some stuff from the garden) and I had no right to be mad with him and now he’s sulking. I’ve asked him time and time again to stop just throwing things away. He’s forever binning my things, because he’s decided I don’t need them or it’s rubbish and he always says it’s “accident.” He can’t understand why I’m upset. I’m very upset and mad because he KNEW that I wanted to clean them up. He’s acting like I’m being silly and unreasonable, I don’t think I am. I keep imagine all those well loved little toys sitting in a skip and I’m genuinely so, so upset. I genuinely believe he did it on purpose, as he’s now saying it was accidental. How can it be accidental?

Am I making a big fuss about nothing?

OP, it might be wise to step away from this thread because people aren't going to listen to you. They will just continue to gaslight you into thinking that you can't trust your own judgment and that your husband is abusive and wicked and intentionally trying to hurt you because he's a narcissist and doesn't care about anyone but himself etc.

I'm so glad that you found the bear OP! Go ginger cat, dragon and your 3 year old!

OP with your update it really sounds like your DH might be neurodiverse (sorry, I am not a doctor and have no experience at all so please feel free to ignore). The lack
of ability to understand social interactions and needing to have interactions and conversations explained to him sounds quite textbook. Perhaps have a look into it?

If that’s the case and/or if you truly believe he didn’t understand that it would upset you then it’s a very different scenario than if he was trying to control you, which os what it initially seemed like. Either way I’m so glad you got your bear.

I hear you. I want to hit him with a brick but I’m the one living with him and he’s absolutely gutted he’s upset me so much. He wants to take me to the bloody doctor tomorrow and tell them what’s happened because he’s worried that he’s stressed me so much I’m going to go into prem labour. Nope, he’s more in danger of me cleaning the toilet with his toothbrush. I saw the look on his face when I screamed at him I hated him. He has not taken any pleasure in any of this. I just hope that it sinks in and he doesn’t throw so much as an empty crisp packet away ever again without checking I wanted it. (That’s extreme but you know what I mean) I’m not a pushover. I learned the hard way when I was a younger woman. DH has made my life happy for over a decade, it’s just this one damned thing that he does. I don’t have anything else to add but a thank you to the ladies for not thinking I was being silly and empathising with me when I was so upset.

I think that actually you need to treat him like a toddler and not allow him to access your stuff until he learns to behave.

Put a padlock on your study door and don't let him in there.

Keep your make up, sentimental things, perhaps even clothes, basically all your stuff in that room. And do not let him in it.

He needs to learn that he just can't touch your stuff

I'm so glad the bear is safe!! I'm crying for you.
Your DH sounds a little like mine and sounds very much like he has autism. My DH can be a bit soicaly stupid too and losses everything. He started to get better after we had been together 10yrs. It's a part of him I have to accept but I must say he's never done anything as bad as what you describe.

When you are feeling clamer you need to explain to him in very clear black and white language what the rules are. Ie don't ever touch anything in this box or draw or cupboard that's the rule going forward. Your rule of don't touch my stuff is too vague.

I'm just soo glad the bear was rescued somehow. The thought of it makes me cry .

So so glad it's been found. Bless the bairn man.

Horrible day it's been for you OP. Take it easy.

Ok really your dh sounds amazing but he definitely sounds ND. I hope you bith can get past this.

I'm so happy the bear is safe.

Your H should actually be offering to go to the Dr for himself tbh. It does sound like he might be ND. But equally, this isn't the first time you have clearly told him to leave your stuff either.

Op I doubt it will help but it might a tiny bit once you are past some of the anger and upset that this has been done to you. I also like to keep special things. I read an article ages ago after I broke something that was a gift from now passed grandparents. It said a lot of things but the thing that stuck for me was (paraphrasing as no idea where I resd it to actually quote!) "these things are not them. No longer having them does not change your love or memories. You only need to grieve for the item you no longer have, nothing else has changed". I found it helped me reframe and helped a bit.

Do you think your husband might be able to work with an out box for things that can go in the garage or shed or something? You're both allowed to put things in it but things only come out of it to leave the house with both of you present?

Yes when you described your DH earlier his lack of empathy and poor social skills screamed autism at me too.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/signs/adults/

https://www.additudemag.com/autism-spectrum-disorder-in-adults/

I am glad to hear that your bear was found. People have suggested various reasons for his behaviour and ways to manage it, but ultimately, you’ve got to look after your well-being. Please maintain firm boundaries with him.

And walk away if it isn’t working for you. I spent years with someone who did things like this (not the same but a similar level of seriousness). They were neurodiverse. I maintained firm boundaries for my own well-being. But ultimately, it was a tiring way to live and it eroded my love for them.

Glad you found your bear. The bear and toy story is heartbreaking and I see he is neurodiveese but this isn't an excuse and neurodiverse people, functioning neurodiverse people, can be made to see things too... Apart from family stuff, He needs to not touch your things anymore! I'm annoyed for you also about your perfumes, makeup . What the hell?! My dh doesn't even know where my stuff would be, or it's called, let alone going through my things and deciding by himself to throw them. Why would he not let your stuff be your stuff, or at least ask you before throwing things away? It'd absolutely drive me mad and I'd have a really serious this isn't working conversation with him. Make it extremely serious. Like divorce papers on the way if you continue behaving like this serious.

OMG @VSadMum . I just read your update and it actually made me cry (the first time anyone’s post has done that). Until then I was so angry with your DH that I wanted to rip his throat out myself, but your update showed that he’s an amazing man…..just with an annoying trait. He converted to Judaism and learned another language for you, that’s so lovely. I’m still cross that he threw your stuff away though.

Yes I agree I've thought the same throughout the thread

I'm still so sad about your lovely toys but so happy you have your bear back x

He sounds like a twat.

Topic of the thread aside he should be giving them to a local charity shop and not putting them into landfill.

You can't trust him. How can you continue the marriage? I'm so sorry, how painful 😥

So glad that your lovely bear is safe, OP. How crazy that a 3yo was able to protect it from a grown adult.

I think your DH might be autistic. I've read all your posts and it sticks out pretty clearly.
I hope you can both work through this, best of luck

Also DH is taking a lot of blame, the toys were already old and further destroyed a month ago by a 3 year old. Perhaps op should divorce her son too? If they were so important surely they would be locked away somewhere safe?

What a ridiculous thing to say: holding a 3yo to the same standards of cognitive skills as an adult. He did damage them slightly, but hopefully they could be restored....... and he is 3.

You should not have to lock things away in your own house to protect them from your spouse.

I presume you never go to museums - and don't understand why they even exist? They are full of old things that are considered highly significant, even though they are frequently showing signs of severe damage, deterioration or fragmentation.

We may not have the original Rosetta Stone or a priceless Ming vase from centuries ago in our individual homes, but most of us collect and keep a few items that are very special and precious to us - our own personal 'miniature museums' of our lives - regardless of their monetary value, state of repair or interest to anybody else.

OP, I know bin locks primarily exist to stop strangers from filling our bins with their rubbish/dog poo and to prevent wild animals from getting in and leaving a trail of devastation, but could you maybe get one of these for each of your wheelie bins (excepting maybe your garden waste bin, if you have one!)?

Ones that actually lock with a key and not just gravity - then only unlock them when you take the rubbish out and put them out for collection?

How is a charity shop meant to sell defaced toys?

You're suggesting OP DIVORCES her DH because he threw something sentimental away? Jesus Christ.

Do people really disregard their marriage vows so easily????

@EnglishBluebell , The problem with the DH of the OP is that he has disposed of many things in the past. He does not acknowledge that he is at fault and yet is very possessive of his property.
He only looks at the 'practical', he refuses to value anything sentimental or abstract like memories and fondness.
He is a repeat offender without remorse or respect for his wife's feelings. So what about his vows?
Many of us are worried that his behaviour is deliberately controlling and how this attitude will affect his children as they grow up.