DH threw sentimental toys away

[VSadMum]

My DH has an issue with throwing things away without speaking to me first. If he tidies up in our house he just bins stuff without checking it first. He’s binned my passport and other important documents before now. He promised me that he would stop doing that. God forbid if I threw away so much as a paper clip that belonged to him.

About a month ago our 3 y/o DS got hold of a sharpie and you can imagine, he drew on a lot of his toys. He also drew on some toys that had belonged to my older son (21 y/o) that had been passed onto him. I read up that acetone can remove sharpie and put the toys and stuffed toys into bags in the downstairs shower room that we use for storage. I specifically told my DH that I was going to try and get the sharpie off. I’ve been busy, we’ve been on holiday etc and I have two young children who I look after, I hadn’t got round to cleaning the toys up.

There was also a sweet little bear made up of fabrics from clothes I bought for a baby I later miscarried. I liked that my subsequent children played with that bear. I imagined my grandchildren playing with those toys and that bear one day. I wanted to clean it without destroying it so I’ve been looking online for how to do it, so yes, a month later it was still all sitting there, not in the way or anything.

So today I found out he just took it all to the tip. It’s the sentimental value of some of these toys I am most upset about, especially the bear. I can’t replace them. If I had wanted them binned I would have done it myself in the first place. He didn’t ask me about it, or tell me he was going to do it. He told me afterwards. I am very upset, particularly about the toys that belonged to my older son and the bear. (Not his son) They were all really nice wooden toys, a train set, stacking toys etc. there was nothing wrong with them except some sharpie on them. They were quite old and the sort of things I wanted to keep.

He said he did me a favour going to the tip (I asked him to take some stuff from the garden) and I had no right to be mad with him and now he’s sulking. I’ve asked him time and time again to stop just throwing things away. He’s forever binning my things, because he’s decided I don’t need them or it’s rubbish and he always says it’s “accident.” He can’t understand why I’m upset. I’m very upset and mad because he KNEW that I wanted to clean them up. He’s acting like I’m being silly and unreasonable, I don’t think I am. I keep imagine all those well loved little toys sitting in a skip and I’m genuinely so, so upset. I genuinely believe he did it on purpose, as he’s now saying it was accidental. How can it be accidental?

Am I making a big fuss about nothing?

because he doesn’t care… you cannot MAKE somone care who doesn’t
the little bear abndoned in the skip, rained on is a pitiful, sad image

there are not more important things going on in the world than the loss
of your bear and all he rpresented, all the pathos and memory, thrown away

as though your wishes didn’t exist, denying your agency, wilful

this resonated with me as my ex husband was of a similar nature,
of the “well you weren’t using it” logic, tiresome, exhausting,
destructive

what is the matter with you ????? you sound like an agent for the husband

Actually he sounds autistic to me.

I come from a religion and community that was nearly obliterated in the 1940s. My grandparents were child refugees. We have nothing in the way of family heirlooms or things passed down. Barely even had an identity because everybody was dead. So I do keep sentimental items to pass on. I have a lot of photographs, books and suchlike but am by no means a hoarder. I like my house clean and clutter free. I know where everything is. Having tangible parts of my own history is important to me.

I would have gotten round to fixing it because it was very important to me. I managed to get the sharpie out of a few of my own tops before now so I knew I could do it but finding the time during a month where I’ve redecorated and been on holiday just meant I hadn’t given it the attention I would have usually done. I’m quite crafty and restore furniture and whatnot so I know I could have figured something out.

DH isn’t the organised one in this house. His memory is like a sieve and I’m the one who makes sure everything gets done.

Aww, op, I'm so sorry. I would be heartbroken, too. I hope he can get the bear back tomorrow at the very least. Our tip goes through literally everything taken there. Maybe they will have come across it.

The house is not cluttered, it is clean and tidy and I have no idea what his obsession is about my things.
I’m sorry, but it’s because he’s abusive and you are blind to it. Your update reads like every other battered wife in denial - the cycle of abuse and apology only to repeat it a few weeks later, the shitty excuses of “I did it for your own good”, “I didn’t know why I did it”, “I’d never do it on purpose” etc. The only difference is that instead of randomly smacking you in the face he bins your important things. At that “obsessive “ moment it is very much intentional and it is ment to diminish you even if he plays dumb afterwards.
If you don’t want to divorce him he needs to go to therapy.

I’m really sorry. It’s cruel and heartless. Really hoping he can recover them from the tip.

I agree. I think this is just as bad as abuse. Just because a heads up is given doesn’t make it ok to get rid of someone else’s things.

Agreed. I also don’t think people realise that doing things tit for tat is just toxic behaviour.

I actually think you would be entirely justified to remove some important items of his (ones he will realise quite quickly are missing) and pretend you have binned them. This man is not learning despite being told numerous times to stop binning the OP’s belongings so he needs I experience it himself.

Does he have favourite pants, t-shirt, socks? They need shrinking/binning/replacing as they looked tatty. Any child hood memorabilia? You don't have space for that now. I think the fact he can't apologise and see how sad you are is awful. You deserve better.

Bad advice ! see warnings above ^^^

I find it hard to see how you could bear to live with him even before this happened. Now - it's like living with a vandal who sets out to ruin your precious things. How can you ever feel safe and comfortable living with him when he could throw out your precious things at any time? It's unthinkable.

@gentileschi same bad advice, as in, 2 wrongs do not make a right!

I made my point earlier when I pointed out some of his crap football annuals from the 1980s which he never even touches and said how would you feel if I threw them away? He said but they aren’t broken or anything. I then picked up one of his old action men that DS has taken a shine to and plays with and said GI Joe or whatever his name is has a flower drawn on his face in biro, shall I just chuck him away? And that’s when it dawned. He’s done that to my oldest son with the wooden train etc. The bear, as angry and upset as I am, I never told him about the meaning behind it. Doesn’t make it ok. He shouldn’t throw my things away. I feel like I need to skywrite it.

I am going to reiterate that he is not abusive. My first husband was abusive. He would take petty pleasure in upsetting me. It takes DH a while and several explanations to understand what he has done is hurtful but when he gets it, he is sorry. He is not vindictive by nature, he is just stupid. In fact I don’t even think it’s stupidity. I don’t know what it is, I can’t articulate it. He’s like this big dog that jumps up you because it’s wanting to play and accidentally hurts you and then doesn’t understand why you are hurt. He has apologised and will be spending Father’s Day sifting through rubbish looking for my things at the tip. I am not optimistic.

it doesn’t make it ok. I’m not saying that. Things he’s chucked away before now have been exasperating and frustrating but this was hurtful, really hurtful and he’s crossed a line. I asked earlier if he ever gets sick of forking out cash to replace things he’s chucked away and he was baffled, saying well, no, because I shouldn’t have thrown them away so I had to replace it.
Why can’t he just not do it in the first place?! I don’t understand. he’s got the social skills of a tea spoon, I’ve always known that but today (yesterday now) is the first time he’s done something that I don’t think I can just say well you pay for a new one and move on. My eldest son said not to be too hard on him because he doesn’t believe he would have done it out of spite, (he is not a spiteful or mean person) but I want to dropkick him. I asked him why he decided to clear that room out and he said well for your dad to use when he stays so he doesn’t have to go up and down the stairs. He gets these ideas and he just HAS to do them. He goes off into his own little world and that’s it.

You have my sympathy, OP. He sounds like my brother. He never means any harm, but he has zero common sense and just acts on his thoughts with no consideration for anything or anyone. He has a moderate learning disability. I, too, have to present different scenarios to him to help him understand why he shouldn't have done what he did. But even when he eventually gets it, it still doesn't click with him the next time that he's doing the same thing because to him, what he's doing makes sense.

I will say to him, "What did we agree last time?"
He'll say, "Not to touch your post."
I'll say, "Right, so why did you throw my letters out?"
And hell say, "I thought they were rubbish."

😩 It's incredibly frustrating even though I know it's not done with bad intentions. I do hope you get your little bear back. I can only imagine how painful it is to lose that.

A simple, 'Darling, that bag of toys in the shower room has been there weeks! Are you going to clean them up or shall I take them to the tip as I'm going there later with the garden stuff?'

Just binning them indicates he either had a mental problem such as severe ocd where he can't stand any kind of clutter or he secretly likes upsetting you and scoring points over you.

I think it's the latter and he's a nasty piece of work.

What’s the dynamic here?

Are you in some way, more ‘successful’ than him? Are you the higher earner?

OP, it now reads as if you have chosen to marry and have children with a man with huge learning disabilities.
Nothing you have, or your children own is safe from his behaviour.
He has done this many times before.
He doesn't have capacity to understand because he is mentally disabled.
I think he has poor impulse control and that this is your life because you have chosen to be with someone who has severe learning disabilities.
It is hard to blame him if he clearly hasn't capacity to understand that he has done something wrong.
It sounds very hard but as if you knew what you were doing when you married him?
Wishing you well.

How, just howcan you cope living with someone like this? The constant intrusion and constant handling and binning of YOUR things, not his own, would drive me to murder.

I’d have to leave him. The way you describe him makes him sound utterly fucking horrendous.

Did he move into your house?

I just couldn't live like that @VSadMum . I couldn't. Knowing that my things that are precious to me aren't safe. He needs to put a total stop to the cleaning sprees. He also needs to go with you to the tip and explain to the people that work there what's happened to get your things back. It is entirely possible to get them back. It's worth a try anyway?

even if he doesn’t understand why it’s important to you- he seems to have the capacity to understand that it is Importwnt to you- and also understand that you’ve told him you want to keep it

the problem- is that despite this he places his belief that’s it’s not important over your belief that it is, over your wishes of wanting to keep it- and therefore believes it’s acceptable to get rid of things that fall in this category.

the behaviour of bulldozing over whats important to you because he doesn’t share those feelings is what I would be very very wary out. I also used to think my ex husband did these things out of stupidity/naivety/lack of emotional intelligence.

i had a hand crocheted cashmere/merino/silk blend fully size blanket my mum had taken two years to make my second baby and I repeatedly told him it can’t be put in the washing machine. Every day as he did that to my first one (smaller white one) . One day following an arguement I found it in the washing machine and it was felted and ruined. When I asked him about it he said “ well it was dirty, it wasn’t going to be used anyway so May as well try and save it- but ok , my bad” - acted totally like it was a good intention

also Happened to lots of my clothes that were dry clean only or wool. And once I had a huge pile of dvds I had sorted into keep , charity, sell, attic piles etc. and again after an arguement they were missing and he then told me he’d taken them all to cex and said I want going to get it finished so he finished it for me as he was sick of them. I was so upset he went and bought them all back so I thought at the time is was a misguided action to try and help.

Hundreds of other examples . I made excuses for years. It’s only after we divorced as other behaviours got more and more controlling and abusive that I now look back and see these examples as what should have been warning signs.

You should be able to feel safe with your belongings and special items also being safe from damage or discard in a house you share with a partner who loves and respects you .

So why are you living with a man who is by your own admission stupid and has the social skills of a teaspoon? What can be good enough that it balances out all the crap?

Get him the Marie knondo books. She explains well why you don't bin other people's stuff. It isn't OCD because he wouldn't have his stuff you've mentioned. He could be ND, I am and two if my children are, but there has to be a lack of caring or a moderate LD for this not to be deliberate. He thinks he gets to decide what is in the house and is effectively using excuses to get you to forgive his behaviour. Don't go easy on him today, he spends the day at the tip, hopefully in the rain. Then going forward you make it clear that there are deal breakers, such as your bear. MK also deals with emotional attachment to things which might help you process the loss. She doesn't advocate getting rid of things for the sake of it. The point is to clear space for what you need, then what you hold dear. You shouldn't just be getting over this.