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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should two adult children be treated differently re inheritance, because one has children and the other one does not, by choice or not?

235 replies

fungipie · 15/06/2024 14:13

I would argue that they should both be treated the same.

OP posts:
Redlettuce · 15/06/2024 17:31

fungipie · 15/06/2024 15:52

No, but that thread is the reason I posted this one. I have 3 sons, 1 of them has chosen not to have children. I think it would be very wrong for him to be treated differently when it comes to inheritance, or anything, really. We have given money for deposit to two of them - this will be deducted from their share. Grandchildren will all have a sum when we die, and will eventually inherit from their parents.

I do think it would be very wrong to treat an AC differently because they do not have children.

Be careful because whatever you give now for a deposit will be worth a lot more in the future. Eg £25k now will be worth £50k in time. You need to take advice about how to factor that in.

ImplacableDiscernment · 15/06/2024 17:36

No, I think you should treat all DC the same.

Peonies12 · 15/06/2024 17:37

Definitely the same. But it seems fine to leave a set amount to each grand child.

PriOn1 · 15/06/2024 17:38

My aunt did a weird thing, or it seemed bizarre to me.

She had two children, one of whom had three children, the other two.

The money was split in half, so half went to each side. However, she split the money equally on each side between child and grandchildren.

So one of the siblings had to share their money with three children and the sum was split four ways, while the other only had to share with their two children. So one child, who’d had more children and had struggled more, got less than the other child.

Always seemed a bit unfair to me. I can see if both children had got the entire inheritance, half and half, the grandchildren would eventually have likely got less on the side with three children, but I can’t imagine effectively penalising one of my children for having had more children.

To me, it’s better to treat both your children equally and the easiest way to do that is to give them half the money, then leave it up to them whether they share it with the grandchildren. Occasionally there may be reason to do something different, such as if one child is incapable of caring for themselves, for example.

I can also see that giving grandchildren something to get them started is a nice gesture, but I feel if you can afford to do it before you die, so setting up a trust or whatever, that’s probably better as then, it isn’t part of the estate. If there’s one thing I don’t want, it’s to create ill-feeling between my children when Igo.

juicejuic · 15/06/2024 17:39

Iike I said, it's all very well to take a strong position now when everyone is young and all is fine and dandy but if you become widowed and infirm and one of your children gives up work to looks after you and one of them fucks off on a never ending holiday to avoid even visiting you, you may take a different view.

Crumpleton · 15/06/2024 17:40

Both my sibling and I have 2 DC and my DM told me years ago that I'm an executor but will not be left anything.
I have a DH and both work so she feels we don't need it.

I myself will talk about it with my DC as money is a subject we've always talked about, although not to the extent where I know what each earns as I wouldn't ask.

At the moment one DC has one child if it were my choice I'd say 50/50, if for any reason the one with a DC asked me to do, for instance, 50/40/10, them getting the 40% because they'd like me to leave something to DGC I'd do so.

WiseKhakiGoose · 15/06/2024 17:50

S0livagant · 15/06/2024 16:30

They both get the same so it's fair. The grandchildren could be adults and the money could be a huge help.

And what if the grandchildren could be adults? Let their parents to gift them each 50k from their own inheritance. It would have been fair only if both siblings would have had same amount of children. But that's rarely the case.

TammyJones · 15/06/2024 17:50

MissTrip82 · 15/06/2024 17:19

We’ll split it equally.

We’re raising our children to be responsible
for their own choices and wear the cost of them. Any money from us is a bonus equally shared, not something to depend on. I hope we haven’t raised them to take and take and take to support their own life choices as happened in the other thread.

Exactly.
My sil has no children- we have 4.
Mil and fil split their money between their children
So it should be.
I'd be mortified if our family got more because sil didn't have a family.
Sil has split her money between her nieces and nephews- so they will get it eventually.

Runningupthecurtains · 15/06/2024 17:54

S0livagant · 15/06/2024 16:54

It doesn't work just dividing between children either. £200k, divided between two. One child has one of the grandchildren and the other has five. If the children are able to pass the money down to the grandchildren then five children will inherit £20k and their cousin £100k.

But the children would inherit from their parents in that situation, not from the grandparent. The parent with one DC could be in rented accommodation and have spent the grandparent money of living costs while the parent of 5 has a large estate and so the 5 kids get more than their cousin.
Noone can ensure that everyone for generations to come will get an equal amount but if you plan to pass on your money in a way that could lead to resentment you should think through the repercussions for your children.
My grandfather left all his worldly goods to 2 of his 3 children. The two recipients decided to pass on the money to the next generation across all three families. The result slightly less than £200 for me and each of my siblings/cousins. We all went out for a party family meal and paid for our parents because none of us want anything to show for the old bastards money but we're happy to drink to his passing. But had the sums involved been life altering amounts his unfairness could easily have caused rifts (which I'm sure he would have loved).

MumblesParty · 15/06/2024 17:59

fungipie · 15/06/2024 15:52

No, but that thread is the reason I posted this one. I have 3 sons, 1 of them has chosen not to have children. I think it would be very wrong for him to be treated differently when it comes to inheritance, or anything, really. We have given money for deposit to two of them - this will be deducted from their share. Grandchildren will all have a sum when we die, and will eventually inherit from their parents.

I do think it would be very wrong to treat an AC differently because they do not have children.

I always think it’s a mistake to give some children some money early, and say it’ll be deducted from their share of the inheritance. How do you know there’ll be an inheritance? I think we should all work on the theory that every penny we have will be taken up by care home fees, and if there is money left over after we die, then that’s a bonus. You should offer your third child the money now, or put it aside in an account for them.

Flossflower · 15/06/2024 18:01

I think that all children should be treated the same and while you are alive. You never know if all your money will be swallowed up in care in your last years. You might not be able to even things up with an inheritance.
Of course it is perfectly OK to leave money to grandchildren in their own right and our children would welcome this but again this should be done equally.
If there is any money left when we die we hope our children and grandchildren would benefit from it. Even if one of them stopped talking to us it would still be even.

Lou670 · 15/06/2024 18:09

@CoastalCalm And I bet your Mother was hurt by you questioning her on what was in her will. If you were my daughter I would cut you out just for that alone.

WiseKhakiGoose · 15/06/2024 18:11

PrimaDoner · 15/06/2024 16:56

That’s fair. If you have 5 children it’s a natural consequence that whatever resources you have are going to be distributed more thinly.

I agree with you. 👏👏👏

lljkk · 15/06/2024 18:14

I would like update from OP in other thread, in about 6months time, saying what she did in the end, what decisions or actions.

I don't see many true 'fair' inheritance divisions in real life. You can try, should try, but I don't find it happens often.

juicejuic · 15/06/2024 18:16

I think that all children should be treated the same and while you are alive. You never know if all your money will be swallowed up in care in your last years. You might not be able to even things up with an inheritance.

The average period between the last will and death is normally about 6 years, sometimes shorter if there is a sudden illness/diagnosis that focuses the mind.

JazbayGrapes · 15/06/2024 18:17

Parents should never promise anything regarding the inheritance. Lots of things can change in meantime.

S0livagant · 15/06/2024 18:18

WiseKhakiGoose · 15/06/2024 17:50

And what if the grandchildren could be adults? Let their parents to gift them each 50k from their own inheritance. It would have been fair only if both siblings would have had same amount of children. But that's rarely the case.

I disagree. Same money to each child and separate to grandchildren is fair to me. The grandchildren are people in their own right, the parent with more children gets no more than the other.

RandomUsernameHere · 15/06/2024 18:19

It depends whether you class leaving money to the grandchildren as treating the adult children differently. For example, should the grandchildren's inheritance come out of their parent's share, so the child without children gets the same as the other child plus their children combined. There are plenty of reasons why someone would want to leave more to their grandchildren than their children.

JazbayGrapes · 15/06/2024 18:22

There are plenty of reasons why someone would want to leave more to their grandchildren than their children.

Many invest to secure the future of the 3rd generation, because 2nd generation tends to waste it.
I wonder, once the inheritance is decided, then more grandchildren are born?

boredaf · 15/06/2024 18:22

It’s not as cut and dry as everyone should be treated the same. If you’ve got an adult child with a severe drug problem for example, inheriting a fairly large sum of money could be the death of them. Or if you have a child who has been cut off (e.g. they’re in prison for murder and you’ve chosen to go no contact as a result), then that isn’t an unfair decision in my opinion.

If everything’s “normal” yes ideally it should be equal, but it’s always as cut and dry as that, there’s a grey area in between that some families will have to consider.

MigGirl · 15/06/2024 18:25

I'd like to think that parents would treat their children fairy unless there had been some serious mistreatment.

My parents will do this and everything will be totally fair and square no matter what. On the other hand I think we will find DH's parents will most likely leave more to his childless sister oddly enough because they see her as not being able to provide for herself (she actually can, she's just totally useless with money and they have constantly had to bail her out over the years). But for some reason because she's not married they see her as not being able to support herself 🤷‍♀️.

S0livagant · 15/06/2024 18:31

JazbayGrapes · 15/06/2024 18:22

There are plenty of reasons why someone would want to leave more to their grandchildren than their children.

Many invest to secure the future of the 3rd generation, because 2nd generation tends to waste it.
I wonder, once the inheritance is decided, then more grandchildren are born?

The children in their sixties could own their own homes and be off spending their children's inheritance on travel and wine. The grandchildren in their thirties and forties could be in rented accommodation and struggling to pay the bills. I definitely see a reason to partially bypass a generation sometimes.

Love51 · 15/06/2024 18:37

WiseKhakiGoose · 15/06/2024 16:19

That's totally unfair, it leaves the adult child only with 50k instead of 100k!

Or the 200k they would get if they were an only child.

Some grandparents see the grandchildren as people they want to bequeath to in their own right, not as extensions of their parents. It isn't "unfair" that the grandparents had extra people in their lives to love them and care for them in their old age!

LookWowWhatAView · 15/06/2024 18:39

I think sly every time with a few exceptions. A pp mentioned a disinherited adult child who is in prison for sexual offences. I don't think it's unreasonable to disinherit him. I also think if there is a child with life changing disabilities then there can be times where they should receive more than their healthy siblings.

I find the fact that so many posters think you should be financially rewarded for caring for elderly parents wrong.

TonTonMacoute · 15/06/2024 18:43

Equal treatment.

I don't think I should get more than my DB because I have children and he doesn't.

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