To have had a private scan on my own?

[FlyingSoap]

I took my mum. The idea was that we’d get a nice picture and it would be personalised onto a mug for DH’s Father’s Day present. He is so happy with the mug and teared up a bit saying it was so special but I could tell (just because I know him, he didn’t say anything) that he was briefly sad when he realised we’d been for another scan and he hadn’t been there. He always promised to be at every appointment and be there for everything. I did do it totally behind his back but it was because I wanted a surprise for him. He’s been to all the others. Was it mean of me? I feel bad, as I’d never thought of it at the time!

YABU - yes it was mean
YANBU - no, nice surprise and no problem if he’s been to every other scan so far

Thank you for this, I totally agree. I don’t mind people saying constructively it was mean but derailing the thread entirely just for the sake of having a bash is a bit silly!

And congrats and good luck with your baby. Btw I still dig out my scan pictures sometimes just for a look.

Thank you! Definitely an oversight of mine but yeah it was exactly as you describe. Appreciate your comment x

Literally no one is confused about the type or scan it was. The point people are making is, a scan is still a scan and even private scans which are primary intended to be lovely "see your baby" type experiences can end with bad news. Hence excluding one of the parents, who specifically wanted to be at all the scans, was wrong.

How far along are you OP?

Of course you should have taken him. You could have surprised him with
A) Going to the actual scan together and then
B) Having the mug made as a surprise afterwards

To answer your question OP I think you were unreasonable to secretly go for a scan without your husband when he'd already said he'd like to be there for all the scans.

Secondly you were unreasonable for bringing your mother & nor him seeing as he wanted to be at the scans

Thirdly you were unreasonable for treating a scan as a souvenir generating social event day out with your mother when in actual fact it could actually have revealed any number of concerns with baby's development & then your husband would have been the last to know

Fourthly, you were unreasonable to not have thought about any of these drawbacks especially since you say you've already had a miscarriage - which very likely influences why your husband would like to be present at scans

Fifthly having had a miscarriage & a husband who wants to be at all scans, imagining that a mug with a picture of an as yet unborn baby for father's day seems premature to me

And finally sixthly - your glib lalalala fingers-in-ears I'm not listening answers to people telling you this are irritating.

Why can't you see that it would have been better to arrange the scan as a surprise for dh for father's day & buy your mum the mug?

It didn’t, he’s over the moon 🥰 thanks for your obviously genuine concern.

OP, did you consider how your Husband would feel if you’d received bad news at the scan that you’d attended, behind his back, with your Mum?

Father's day is tomorrow?

So why did you give him his "you missed a scan" gift today?

I know OP doesn't care to hear it. BUT.

I do believe that anyone going for a scan and finding it fun and/or exciting/and/or a chance to buy tat is embodying a particular type of pregnancy privilege.

Yes, I'm jealous. But it still blows my mind that people can be so lucky and not know it.

Signed: survivor of three miscarriages and two ectopic pregnancies (one of which diagnosed at the private "fun" scan place, because the NHS couldn't see me quickly enough. The couple who came in for the next appointment, while I was still rocking in the private room while on hold to the EPU, to enjoy their balloons and stuff will have had no idea.

Final update on this thread from me

Yes it was wrong of me. Next time I’ll bring him along. DH isn’t upset- he’s happy! He opened it today, because it arrived without a name on in the post. Complete oversight on my part. We’re both so excited and happy though. Thanks for everyone who left a constructive comment on here, it’s a shame it got derailed so much and in not very nice ways. This is our rainbow baby after loss so understand the anxiety around scans too, I will add. I won’t be debating or back and forth anymore, I’ve accepted I made a mistake but we live and learn. :) no more to say on the matter is there really. I hope you have a nice weekend everyone!

@WYorkshireRose perhaps you (and others on here who are, yes, definitely confused by it) have not been to one of these scan centres?

They’re generally set up as a ‘see your baby’ experience- other family members including children are encouraged to attend (very different to a more medically targeted scan) and they sell the merchandise like mugs, teddy’s with the baby’s heartbeat in, etc. Not my cup of tea but it takes all sorts. Theyre sold as bonding experience and to see your baby. They’re so entirely different from the hospital scans that it really isn’t relevant to get knickers in a twist about not taking a ‘medical procedure seriously’. There are gender ones where the lights in the room come on pink or blue for goodness sake!

For context, I went to one at 6 weeks to check if there was something actually in there, with a heartbeat. There was a lady much further along with her whole family, she had a package of several scans that she was working her way through and they were buying a heartbeat bear and a mug. These private centres are making a fortune from us pregnancy tourists, none of it gets put on your notes and your clinic have no interest in the pictures or results from them.

It's a bit like you and your mum going on a secret holiday so you can surprise him with a beautiful photo of you on a Caribbean beach. Sure, the photo is lovely, but he'd have much rather been there with you.

Buying tat as you call it or having scan pictures as a memory isn’t just for those with pregnancy privilege. After I had a baby die in the NICU I was given a disc with copies of all the scans and I love those images and have pictures up on the walls. I’m also glad I have those scans of the babies that I miscarried. For me, it’s always been treasured to have images of the babies I conceived, regardless of whether they died early (or in my case late) on in my pregnancy or after they were born.

Those private rooms at a clinic are far more pleasant than the maternity ultrasound waiting rooms where you have to sit alongside happy, heavily pregnant women whilst waiting for post mortem results or to be told that your baby has already died or will die over the next few days/weeks.

Just because you have had understandably horrendous experiences during pregnancy, doesn’t mean that others making choices that you wouldn’t when it comes to scan pictures and what to do with them is privileged. The results of scans aren’t a competition.

Yes I think we all know they are offered as a cutesy extra; but every scan is conducted by someone qualified to recognise eg no heartbeat, or additional problems. So every scan has the possibility of bad news. Having gone to one and received bad news and being transferred into the NHS system straight away, my understanding is fine.

Was it a scan to check on baby's health or a photo opportunity for a mug? If the first one then yeah I can see why he'd be pissed off- he promised to be there for every medical appointment

Yeah I think that would sting

You don't need to give me an explanation, I'm well aware of what they are and yes I have been to one. It doesn't in any way change my opinion. Nor, ironically, does your pointing out the fact that they're sold as a "bonding experience", to which OP chose to take her mum rather than the other parent

Yup also fathers day isn't until tomorrow

It's too late really. You've done this one without him when he made very clear he wanted to be there and you didn't NEED to do it without him eg not an emergency

@WYorkshireRose pretty sure more than the parents are allowed to ‘bond’ with their unborn baby… but whatever- this wasn’t about if the op should have taken her DP or not- I said in my first reply that it was a bit of an oversight on her part, she could have used an existing scan photo for the mug.

tbh, this pearl clutching is boring, I won’t bother replying anymore- so if you want to have the ‘last word’ now is your chance, go for it.

You’ve excluded him from something really significant and went with your mum - it’s not her baby, is it- so yeah, no wonder he’s upset. I also agree with the others who have said that doing so to get a picture for a gift seems a bit unpalatable to me. It’s the complacency I guess, given that these scans can showed anything from missed miscarriages to abnormalities. A lot of people find them a bit of an anxious time so I think for a lot of posters some of their criticism comes from the way it’s been treated so lightly.