To have had a private scan on my own?

[FlyingSoap]

I took my mum. The idea was that we’d get a nice picture and it would be personalised onto a mug for DH’s Father’s Day present. He is so happy with the mug and teared up a bit saying it was so special but I could tell (just because I know him, he didn’t say anything) that he was briefly sad when he realised we’d been for another scan and he hadn’t been there. He always promised to be at every appointment and be there for everything. I did do it totally behind his back but it was because I wanted a surprise for him. He’s been to all the others. Was it mean of me? I feel bad, as I’d never thought of it at the time!

YABU - yes it was mean
YANBU - no, nice surprise and no problem if he’s been to every other scan so far

I’ll probably not return to this thread, for no other reason than it’s turned and I can see it’ll lead to a pile on which nobody really wants do they?

I was questioning whether or not it was mean not to take him. Not about ‘subjecting my baby’ to a scan, whether you think private scans should be for fun or reassurance, or anything like that. Moved so far away from the original topic! Have a nice day all ☺️ DH is happy, it was more my conscience feeling mean as he can’t wait to be a daddy and is so involved already.

Do you have a partner OP? Is the father of the baby getting to attend these scans? Will he receive a memento tomorrow for fathers day?

What do you mean? I have a husband as described in the OP.

OP you are going to get a range of responses here as for a huge proportion of people, a scan can be, or can turn into a traumatic, stressful, incredibly upsetting or anxiety inducing experience for many reasons. Having had miscarriages, a scan was something to be highly anxious about and a relief when it was over and it was ok.

I understand that completely! So sorry for your losses, I had a loss too previously and you never forget them do you. X

Sure, or actually, I'd forgotten, I have a friend who discovered a significant health problem of her own while at a pregnancy scan, and was immediately referred for a scan of her own. It ended well, but was terrifying, especially as it wasn't clear whether she would have to terminate the pregnancy to receive immediate treatment.

I can see why he's upset tbh. Somehow it feels worse because you took your mum with you... Will he be similarly pushed out when the baby is here?

Yeah, it was very shitty to have a scan behind his back.

You've given him a mug which is a permanent reminder that you had a scan of your shared baby without him, knowing that he wanted to be part of it all. That's how I'd read the situation...
You could have taken him to the scan but got a mug made afterwards without him knowing.
But it's done, so apologise and move on. You have a baby coming and you need to be working as a team!

You really wonder why they sell them? Is the answer: to make cold hard cash going to come as a massive surprise to you?!

Ok to answer your question directly

No yanbu to go for a private scan on your own if you are resilient and prepared to hear bad news and other close family (ie the dad) won't resent you for doing this

Yabu to take your mum in preference of your partner solely to get a cute photo - I think you are missing that these are an add on if all is well, not the primary purpose.

I wouldn't call it "mean", just a pretty weird thing to do. The reason private clinics sell mementos is because they're a reminder of the experience of having the scan. You chose to buy a memento for your DH of a memory he doesn't have because he wasn't there, and is therefore the opposite of special for him, as he was excluded.

I wouldn't do anything to do with father's day until baby is safely here.

I think YABU to go to a scan behind your DH's back.

If you still want real answers..

My honest thought was “well, that’s stupid” - of course dad would rather be at the scan when he’s said he wants to be at all the sans.

You’re clearly not reading my replies, no I won’t be back. Have a lovely day, as will me and DH who is over the moon with his prezzie 🥰

Thank you, nothing wrong with answers like this that stick to the point of the thread!

I feel like people are focusing a bit too much on the private scan. Loads of people do have them and surely it's fine to feel excited about a scan even if other people including random people on Mumsnet have received bad news during a scan. I only had the NHS ones but loved going to them. My husband was terrified of having a baby but he also loved the scans and would have been gutted if he couldn't have come to one of them, even more so if I had specifically arranged it behind his back. The bigger the foetus, the more exciting it is to see it so yeah, it was a bit mean to do it behind his back rather than surprise him with the actual scan, but I'm sure he'll get over it!

😂 thank you for the laughs. Hope you find something better to do with your day! X

There seems to be some confusion on here about different types of scans… the type op went to, WAS just a cutesy photo opportunity- it wasn’t an NHS or private referral or hospital situation, it would have been more of a ‘see your baby’ experience.

I can see why he would be upset tbh, it was a bit of an oversight there. BUT it’s done now, perhaps he’d like to go to another one with you- that might help. It’s lovely he’s so involved.