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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Petty argument AIBU or is DH?

54 replies

Itsrainingten · 15/06/2024 09:27

We're trying to sell our house. We have viewings this afternoon. DH is tidying garden, I'm cleaning indoors.
DH is (I very strongly suspect) ADHD. He has a lot of traits and also quite a few family members are diagnosed. He always leaves stuff lying around all over the house. I genuinely don't think he does it out of laziness exactly, it's more like his mind is already on the next thing. Left to his own devices he would live like that all week then have a massive tidy and cleanup once a week and the cycle would start again. I ABSOLUTELY can't live like that. I find it hugely stressful to have to move stuff to get to other stuff, or to be able to sit down / use the table / climb over his shoes etc so I am constantly going around after him picking up his shit and "nagging"
This morning I pointed out about 15 of his items that he'd left all over the house in annoying places - even the kids havent left shit lying around. Just him.
He sort of laughed and said ok ok and put a few bits away, but just moved a couple of his backpacks to the bottom of the stairs (presumably to take up next time he goes) but that's not helpful to me. They're more in the way than they were while on the dining chairs because now I have to move them to hoover the stairs.
So I picked them up and calmly walked them outside and put them on the lawn that he's mowing. 100% to make a point. But I wasn't particularly angry or anything.
He lost his mind! Told me I just did it to be annoying and I'm always on at him and now he's not talking to me!
Now I'm not that bothered that's he's annoyed really, that was sort of the point. But WIBU? I don't think I was. I'm of the view that he doesn't listen when I tell him, so maybe he would if I showed him. But then I think maybe the difference is that I did it on purpose...

OP posts:
IncognitoUsername · 15/06/2024 11:48

How long have you been married? Surely this isn’t a new problem! I think you were a bit unreasonable to put them on the lawn but I would have slung them on his side of the bed or something.

bridgetreilly · 15/06/2024 11:50

You know he has ADHD. You are literally asking him to be a different person. YABVU.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 15/06/2024 11:58

If you could carry them outside then carry them upstairs

If they were in chairs then they weren't even in the way tbh

TheNoodlesIncident · 15/06/2024 12:01

I'd be really annoyed if somebody put things on the lawn that I'm mowing. He's trying to get jobs done before the viewing and you're deliberately hindering that. The backpacks were to go upstairs, so why not take them upstairs? You're supposed to both be on the same team, so your common job is readying the house for viewers. Sure he should have done it, but he hadn't yet and the goal is tidy house/garden.

I'd save criticism for when you're not expecting viewers imminently tbh. It's the whole time and place thing. I get that mess winds you up, it does me too so I understand that. But the row could have waited until afterwards, really.

FlyingSoap · 15/06/2024 12:04

If it wasn’t something as important as a house viewing then YABU. But it was one request and he knows you’ve got a house viewing - surely. I would be upset if my stuff was in the garden too but also you’d given him a chance and just short of following him upstairs what are you supposed to do?

Notimeforaname · 15/06/2024 12:06

Yabu to put them outside to make a point. If you suspect he is adhd, why are you trying to make a point about where he struggles?

If you think its purly that he is lazy, just leave the bags there or bring them upstairs yourself. Using the energy to take them outside in protest was childish when you could have taken them upstairs.

Wasn't he doing the garden and you doing the inside of the house anyway?

Notimeforaname · 15/06/2024 12:08

You're supposed to both be on the same team, so your common job is readying the house for viewers. Sure he should have done it, but he hadn't yet and the goal is tidy house/garden.

I fully agree with this.

MILTOBE · 15/06/2024 12:09

bridgetreilly · 15/06/2024 11:50

You know he has ADHD. You are literally asking him to be a different person. YABVU.

No, she suspects he has ADHD. He's not been diagnosed.

Sparklfairy · 15/06/2024 12:10

IMO he did the sensible thing putting them on the stairs and getting on with the lawn. If he'd taken them up he'd have suddenly found a random cupboard that absolutely did not need sorting out right this second, and start emptying it and sorting it Grin

Totally what I would do anyway. He was making a real effort to stay on the task at hand!

StormingNorman · 15/06/2024 12:13

Why are passive aggressive people always so surprised when they get the reaction they’re looking for?

Answersunknown · 15/06/2024 12:13

Now he’s realised how annoying it is when shit is in his way. He didn’t care when it was in your way though.

ADHD is not a get out clause for being a dick. Even if he does have it, his answer should have been ‘I’m sorry, - can we work on some strategies to help me’

FTPM1980 · 15/06/2024 12:16

So you recognise he has adhd....and what you are descriis classic adhd....but you aren't willing to make any allowances because you "can't live like that"

I am like your husband....its just not that easy to change and by moving his bags you have distracted him from his task.

SilentSilhouette · 15/06/2024 12:17

I am like your DH. I am terrible at leaving stuff all over but I generally remember where I put it. Then my DH moves my stuff and it drives me insane as I can't find it and feel I'm going crazy!

"Bottom of the stairs to go up" is a logical place to leave stuff.

You were a complete cow to dump it on the lawn. The stuff was clearly waiting to go upstairs which would have been easier.

Mastekimusters · 15/06/2024 12:19

Sounds more like she has ADHD

LittleGreenDragons · 15/06/2024 12:27

Until you know whether it's ADHD causing it, or weaponised incompetence, or lazy and selfish behaviour, I would say YANBU.

He needs to get himself sorted, whether it's via a GP with meds, or working out what help and support he needs to make family life work better. Because if he does have ADHD but refuses to seek help then he's still just a lazy dickhead.

TimeForTeaAndG · 15/06/2024 12:27

If it's his stuff everywhere....you do the garden and he tidies the house.

House moving is stressful, don't pick fights before a viewing.

Original poster
Itsrainingten · 15/06/2024 12:38

Ok so maybe the gesture was unreasonable then. But how do I make him understand how stressful I find him leaving his stuff everywhere all the time? If I ask him he tells me I'm nagging and doesn't listen

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 15/06/2024 12:39

You cant make him do anything. What you can do is either accept who he is and how he operates, or help him were he struggles.

Dramatic · 15/06/2024 12:42

FTPM1980 · 15/06/2024 12:16

So you recognise he has adhd....and what you are descriis classic adhd....but you aren't willing to make any allowances because you "can't live like that"

I am like your husband....its just not that easy to change and by moving his bags you have distracted him from his task.

And by dumping the bags on the stairs OP is about to hoover he has distracted her from her task, why is he more important in this because he's the unorganised one?

HawkersEast · 15/06/2024 12:45

Passive aggressive and unnecessary, YABU

LittleGreenDragons · 15/06/2024 12:51

Itsrainingten · 15/06/2024 12:38

Ok so maybe the gesture was unreasonable then. But how do I make him understand how stressful I find him leaving his stuff everywhere all the time? If I ask him he tells me I'm nagging and doesn't listen

Your update lends itself more to weaponised incompetence/laziness. If it was purely down to ADHD he would be apologising to you. He's not, he's blaming you instead.

Think hard. Does he consider this sort of stuff womens work/beneath him? Does he behave similar at work? Does he normally blame you when you say stop or no to him?

CrikeyMajikey · 15/06/2024 13:12

Very similar problem in my house with DH unable to ‘complete’ a task. For instance makes a coffee, leaves cupboard door
open, coffee out. Takes shoes off and leaves them on the floor next to the shoe rack rather than on the rack. Throws the duvet back, gets out of bed and leaves the side of my body uncovered.
25 years in and I’m seriously fed up with it. I totally understand you leaving the bags on the lawn, I have done this sort of thing too, it makes no lasting difference. I am beginning to suspect DH has some sort of ND for a number of reasons. However, I don’t believe it’s an unavoidable trait, it’s a lack of consideration and respect. I’d have left years ago if it wasn’t for the DC.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/06/2024 13:24

If it was a DC of yours that was ND then presumably you would help them work out strategies to cope better, whilst simultaneously making allowances and adjustments for them. The same should happen with partners. Marriage is teamwork, can you find things he is good at so you both work to your strengths

LittleGreenDragons · 15/06/2024 14:01

Marriage is teamwork,

You are correct. So what is HE doing to minimise the impact on OP? Fuck all except blaming her it seems.

Would he go for an assessment OP, and if diagnosed, do you think he would do anything different (meds, different planning strategies etc) or would it be down to you to continue changing your behaviour and babying him until you die/leave? That's the question you should be asking.

Tinkerbot · 15/06/2024 14:24

Why is it ok to leave bags on the stairs When They Have a Viewing but bad to drop them on the lawn. OP wants them put awayyyy!!!