Petty argument AIBU or is DH?

[Itsrainingten]

We're trying to sell our house. We have viewings this afternoon. DH is tidying garden, I'm cleaning indoors.
DH is (I very strongly suspect) ADHD. He has a lot of traits and also quite a few family members are diagnosed. He always leaves stuff lying around all over the house. I genuinely don't think he does it out of laziness exactly, it's more like his mind is already on the next thing. Left to his own devices he would live like that all week then have a massive tidy and cleanup once a week and the cycle would start again. I ABSOLUTELY can't live like that. I find it hugely stressful to have to move stuff to get to other stuff, or to be able to sit down / use the table / climb over his shoes etc so I am constantly going around after him picking up his shit and "nagging"
This morning I pointed out about 15 of his items that he'd left all over the house in annoying places - even the kids havent left shit lying around. Just him.
He sort of laughed and said ok ok and put a few bits away, but just moved a couple of his backpacks to the bottom of the stairs (presumably to take up next time he goes) but that's not helpful to me. They're more in the way than they were while on the dining chairs because now I have to move them to hoover the stairs.
So I picked them up and calmly walked them outside and put them on the lawn that he's mowing. 100% to make a point. But I wasn't particularly angry or anything.
He lost his mind! Told me I just did it to be annoying and I'm always on at him and now he's not talking to me!
Now I'm not that bothered that's he's annoyed really, that was sort of the point. But WIBU? I don't think I was. I'm of the view that he doesn't listen when I tell him, so maybe he would if I showed him. But then I think maybe the difference is that I did it on purpose...

You’ve described my DH and it drives me bonkers. What you did was passive aggressive but I feel for you as I’ve done similar things and left DHs things purposefully in his way so he understands how it feels

My partner has ADHD and does this. I just accept that I am the person who tidies and he sorts out other jobs.

The fact that your husband was doing some useful tasks when you decided to make your point makes you unreasonable here.

Yeah I concede it was a bit passive aggressive. It really wasn't meant to be though. I genuinely was just trying to get through to him. Telling him doesn't work. I thought SHOWING him might.
And to the pp who asked about weaponised incompetence. No i don't think he does it on purpose because it's "women's work" or similar. I genuinely do think his mind has moved onto the next thing. But it's ALL THE TIME. Like a pp said, he'll do things like leave cupboard doors open (and then one of us will bang our head) or pull the covers off me and leave them like that when he gets up, or leave stuff EVERYWHERE. He can't seem to plan ANYTHING and I have to do it. Yet he manages at work. He has a very senior role. I think he uses all his energy there maybe and there's nothing left for home? If we go anywhere he starts shouting at everyone to get out the door about half an hour before we need to, I think it's some sort of strategy to avoid being late (which I guess maybe he would be otherwise) but then we'll get where we're going half an hour early and the kids will get bored and play up.
Aaaagggghhhhh
I don't think he does it on purpose. But what do I do? I can't face the rest of my life like this. I think I'll go nuts.

YANBU

Having ADHD isn’t an excuse to be lazy.

Most people I know with ADHD are actually extremely tidy/clean.

I have ADHD (unfortunately not the tidy type) and I am like your DH but if I know that I have visitors coming around then I clean like mad and shove everything out of sight.

I am single though so I don’t expect another person to clean up my mess for me.

OK so
They each have a task/area they are focused on.
This task was not about who made the mess but about tidying an area
OP pulls OH away from his area to point out the things he has left lying around.
Why? Why is OP more important? (If it bothers OP put the stuff away. Because you either accept it, or you have to live apart because we aren't going to change and trying to change or vring nade to feel bad about it is so many many times worse for my mental health than you think)

So he does as asks and moves the bags from where OP doesn't want them....so the logical place for needing to go upstairs. This is pretty standard advice when tidying/decluttering. And he goes back to his task.

If it wasn't tidy yet OP shouldn't have been hoovering yet. If she needs to hoover she could have just moved the bags upstairs.
Instead she goes and interrupts his task again....and traipse grass through the house.

See what I really don't understand here is the view that because he struggles to remember to (for example) put stuff away, I just have to accept that my life is to do it all for him or just live in a constant mess. Why? Why do I have to be the one to ALWAYS make the allowances? Why is it not a 2 way street?
And I accept that being constantly reminded or "nagged" is probably shit for his mental health, but it's pretty shit for mine too! I end up feeling like his mother.

"Instead she goes and interrupts his task again....and traipse grass through the house."

Also I didn't traipse grass through the house! You just made that up. I didnt even walk on the grass I was on the patio and leant over!
Not did I interrupt his task "again" When I pointed out the stuff he'd left all around the house he hadn't yet started mowing the lawn. He HAD started when I took the bags out though.

What was he like before you decided to marry him?

Presumably he’s always been like this? If you suspect he has ADHD. Have you spoken to him about it - not telling him to put stuff away which he sees as nagging but explaining why it’s annoying, maybe at a time when the house is tidy?

If he is in a senior position at work, does he leave shit all over the office for his staff to pick up?

If not, he clearly has developed his own strategies to manage. He can use them at home .

This is EXACTLY my thinking. He can do it. It's just harder for him than me. But he makes the effort at work.

Have you spoken to him about it - not telling him to put stuff away which he sees as nagging but explaining why it’s annoying, maybe at a time when the house is tidy?

Yes. He tends to get defensive. Then eventually he'll apologise, say he'll try harder, then things will be better for a day or 2 then back to square one.

If he can manage at work, he can manage at home.

He could have ADHD and be lazy and inconsiderate. It's not necessarily one or the other.

I can't face the rest of my life like this. I think I'll go nuts

Well you have a choice...accept him or divorce him. I get that viewings are stressful but a house is also a home where family with different personalities/strengths and traits live. If the most important thing in your life is to have everything put away then choose someone who is also like that to live with.

I love a tidy house but I don't believe I only decide the tidy rules in our house...it has to be compromise. I think you were silly to dump the bags on the lawn. If it bothers you so much move it or wait for him to do it.

If he’d been sitting on his arse watching football or on his phone while you were cleaning it would be fine but he was actually doing stuff to help so YABU, sorry.

Why is he pissing about in the garden instead of putting his crap away?
Adhd is no excuse. I live with someone with it and it is just used as an excuse.
I don’t know how you can tolerate him tbh.
I would have gathered up all his crap and put it somewhere too.

I have adhd and have two kids with adhd. We still tidy our crap up and don’t leave things lying all over the house, because it’s a shared space. Having adhd doesn’t give you a free pass to not learn how to do stuff.

But what do I do? I can't face the rest of my life like this. I think I'll go nuts.

You chose poorly. You knew what he was like, married him anyway, you believe he has a condition that makes being tidy a challenge, but you want him to change. I'm not sure what advice you're looking for, really. What you see is what you get, so you either stay with him and let all of this go or you leave him.

And why can't he learn to manage his traits? His actions impact the OP, its not a case of just accept it and do it all for him. It's not a get out of jail free card.

Op I'd get a box, round everything up and put it in there for him to sort in his own time.

"Op I'd get a box, round everything up and put it in there for him to sort in his own time."

Thanks. This is actually a really good idea.

That really doesn't solve anything, though. Op will still have to do the work of rounding up his stuff, she might as well just put it away. Before she knows it, there will be 20 boxes of his shit all over the house.

YANBU
him putting it on the stairs, where you were going to hoover so it would be in YOUR way, is the same as you putting it on the lawn where he was about to mow.
Any suspected ADHD is not excuse to be lacking in consideration tbh.

I had a similar thing this morning - SD went out this morning, came back and left her shoes literally by the front door so that anyone else coming in/out would trip over them; backpack by the kitchen door so again a trip hazard; then dropped her car keys in the middle of the living room floor. I didn’t say anything , and just put things away in their correct places as I hoovered.
Later, as we were leaving the house, she’s in a huff but not saying anything, until asked what she is looking for. “I can’t find my keys!”. I told her she’d left them on the living room floor, so I put them by the door where all the keys live.
She went into a complete sulk.
According to DH, I was rude and should have instead said “I found them on the floor, so put them away”. Bollocks to that. Phrasing it that way divests her of any accountability - SHE left them on the floor. I didn’t even mention all
the other stuff she left around the place.
Im over making apologies for her lack of consideration.

I have ADHD and I think you were perfectly reasonable. This isn't just about ADHD it's sex inequality.

I can fully understand leaving stuff lying around my own house is chaotic. However if I'm directly asked to clear something up for a viewing and I moved it from chair to stairs I would know what I'm doing and that it would be irritating for other partner. Yes these things are definitely harder for those with ADHD but it's not our partner's problem to pick up the pieces after outright laziness!!

What I would recommend and what I do for myself is get a big storage box or basket and just dump all his shot in there if it's in your way. It will piss him off and maybe prompt some improvement and if he's unable to improve he will know where his stuff has been moved to and you won't spend your life walking around putting his shit away.

Just interested if he has always been like this OP.

It's much easier to chuck everything in a box than it is to carry it all round the house and put it away.

And even if it ends up as 20 boxes, they're still 20 boxes he has to deal with.

My DH has ADHD too and I use a similar method - it works!