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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Petty argument AIBU or is DH?

54 replies

Itsrainingten · 15/06/2024 09:27

We're trying to sell our house. We have viewings this afternoon. DH is tidying garden, I'm cleaning indoors.
DH is (I very strongly suspect) ADHD. He has a lot of traits and also quite a few family members are diagnosed. He always leaves stuff lying around all over the house. I genuinely don't think he does it out of laziness exactly, it's more like his mind is already on the next thing. Left to his own devices he would live like that all week then have a massive tidy and cleanup once a week and the cycle would start again. I ABSOLUTELY can't live like that. I find it hugely stressful to have to move stuff to get to other stuff, or to be able to sit down / use the table / climb over his shoes etc so I am constantly going around after him picking up his shit and "nagging"
This morning I pointed out about 15 of his items that he'd left all over the house in annoying places - even the kids havent left shit lying around. Just him.
He sort of laughed and said ok ok and put a few bits away, but just moved a couple of his backpacks to the bottom of the stairs (presumably to take up next time he goes) but that's not helpful to me. They're more in the way than they were while on the dining chairs because now I have to move them to hoover the stairs.
So I picked them up and calmly walked them outside and put them on the lawn that he's mowing. 100% to make a point. But I wasn't particularly angry or anything.
He lost his mind! Told me I just did it to be annoying and I'm always on at him and now he's not talking to me!
Now I'm not that bothered that's he's annoyed really, that was sort of the point. But WIBU? I don't think I was. I'm of the view that he doesn't listen when I tell him, so maybe he would if I showed him. But then I think maybe the difference is that I did it on purpose...

OP posts:
Boxina · 15/06/2024 17:22

Aquamarine1029 · 15/06/2024 16:23

But what do I do? I can't face the rest of my life like this. I think I'll go nuts.

You chose poorly. You knew what he was like, married him anyway, you believe he has a condition that makes being tidy a challenge, but you want him to change. I'm not sure what advice you're looking for, really. What you see is what you get, so you either stay with him and let all of this go or you leave him.

Not necessarily. I could be the op, my DH is the same. But he wasn't before. When he was single/we were dating his house was always tidy and clean, he was organised and on time, he was calm as a personality.

Now, 16 years married with two neurodivergent kids, he's messy, will leave the house to become an utter filth pit before doing anything, he's always late and disorganised, and he's stressy and often verbally aggressive.

He is not the man I married, and maybe that's the same for the op.

And for what it's worth, as a neurodivergent person myself, it is no excuse for making other people's lives difficult. We have to find ways to cope and live together.

tothelefttotheleft · 15/06/2024 17:55

Itsrainingten · 15/06/2024 12:38

Ok so maybe the gesture was unreasonable then. But how do I make him understand how stressful I find him leaving his stuff everywhere all the time? If I ask him he tells me I'm nagging and doesn't listen

Find a box. Put his shit in it. Stick in garage etc.

diddl · 15/06/2024 18:55

I don't think YABU.

If he knew you were hoovering & put stuff in the way-why wasn't that pa of him?

Valeriekat · 15/06/2024 20:14

Notimeforaname · 15/06/2024 12:39

You cant make him do anything. What you can do is either accept who he is and how he operates, or help him were he struggles.

Or leave him.

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