What are you actually supposed to do when your child wakes at 3:45am???

[Usners]

He wakes up at 3:45 and will not go back to sleep. He’s 19 months. Been happening for around 3 months, not every night but at least 3 or 4 times a week. He will wake to breastfeed at 1am then back up at 3:45 for the day. I hate my life.

You poor thing, that sounds hard! When you say he won't go back to sleep, what have you tried so far?

what time does he go to bed? How long does he nap?

Naps around an hour a day at lunchtime

tried changing bedtime but makes no difference. At the moment goes at 7:30

You do not take him out of the room, you rock him back to sleep repeating its sleepy time and repeat until he falls back asleep. You repeat this every night through the crying, screaming until it kicks in.

id also stop breastfeeding at 1am, offer a cup of water, it’ll be a rough few nights but it’ll stop and that’ll sleep through.

I’d stop the breastfeed as he doesn’t need it he is doing it for comfort.
then look at the naps in the day. As he is waking up so early is he napping long? If so, I’d cut it down and then start bedtime earlier. Every-time he wakes at 345, put him back to bed. Consistency is key. I’ve been there. He‘s now nearly four and sleeps through, but still has occasional wake ups. Good luck, it is so tough.

Agree, either stay in the room in the dark with him or alternatively bring him into your room to co-sleep. Definitely don't play with him/take him downstairs or it will reinforce his new routine!

You have to keep it boring - no TV, entertainment or toys. Give him no reason to want to wake. It's easier said than done when you're broken but if you have support take it in turns until a new habit is formed.

You might also want to try adjusting his naps/routine during the day. As it's summer (ish) can you take him for a walk before bedtime routine?

Feel for you op, sleep deprivation is brutal.

My 19mo has just started doing this too. We get up and play or read books. Sometimes she'll go back to sleep around 5.30 and I get another hour in but sometimes that's it and she's ready for the day 🥴 I go to bed at about 8pm at the moment, when I can, so that I can function.
FWIW I remember my eldest doing the same around this age and it being absolute hell... but a temporary hell. I think it lasted a few weeks first time around. Maybe some developmental leap?

@AperolWhore isn’t that method essentially leaving him to cry? I don’t know how I feel about it so always give in

Heh, everything that was posted while I was typing contradicts my post. Maybe we're outliers 🤷🏼‍♀️ But we cosleep so I can't have her roaming about the bed and chatting, eventually crying, and waking DH and DS up too. I'm not comfortable with CIO or withholding comfort either, and generally find it easier not to fight these things and they usually pass on their own.

You put them back to bed. Then repeat until then stay in bed. Otherwise you are just making a rod for your own back.

Essentially this.

By getting up with them all they're learning is it's morning time. You need to put them back to bed in the same way you would if they got up at midnight. 3 in the morning is still the middle of the night.

This, regardless of cosleeping or not

If you wake up and play they willl expect that and give a reason to wake. Its brutal and horrible for you OP I get it but stay firm on this

Stop the night feed too, 19 months do not need one x

Leave in cot,blackout blinds or in bed with you. Absolutely no way would any child of mine be up before 7am . My idea of torture TBH .

No, as you stay with him. Both our kids went through this stage, it was a killer. You have all my empathy on this one! No quick solutions, but as Aperolwhore says: Keep the room dark (black out blinds help for the summer months when it gets light far too early), whisper, minimum talking (and even then just calmly repeating "It's night/bed time now" or something similar). Lots of rocking, or if like my kids, they wake up on transferring them - lie in cot and stroke their back gently so they know you're there.

Hardest part of all is Do not give in. Just means that they have the early wake up reinforced and will continue to do it. We got to a stage where we could start to leave the room to help them learn to self settle, but think staying with your child first is best as you model to them how to regulate. (Even when you feel like crying and running away yourself at 4am!)

You can do it OP, short term pain for long term gain is the key here!

Edit: Lie them in the cot... Don't be attempting to get in there yourself! 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

No, you're there to comfort them. Them crying becuase you're not giving them what they want isn't abusive. Him crying and you ignoring him and not giving him something he needs would be wrong. He doesn't need to go downstairs and play, he does need to sleep though. And so do you.

You repeat "it's nighttime, it's sleep time." And rock him, sing, lay beside him. Ive been in DSs room over an hour resettling him plenty of times. He finally, at 3 ywars sleeps through.
He needs to learn to sleep at night. You're not actually helping him by getting him up so early becuase you're teaching his body clock to keep waking him up at the same time.

oh Lordy I remember this
Horrific.

I can’t offer any solutions at all because everything I tried failed. (All of the above suggestions, black out curtains, silence,stay in the room, shorter nap in the day, moving bed times, snack before bed in case it was hunger waking him, no stimulation etc etc etc)

So I just had to ride the storm.

Ended up downstairs with a blanket on one sofa and let him do his thing.
Accepted that this child just DID NOT SLEEP so neither did I for the first 5 years of his life.

Has yours previously been a good sleeper? Is this sleep thing a new thing?
Mine never was so it was the norm for us. Averaged 3-4 hours unbroken sleep every night.

Adapt your sleep to make up for it. I used to go to bed as soon as he was asleep.
We would take shifts so one or the other of us could have a lie in on a day off, or dh would take him out for a couple of hours at weekends so I could get into bed and sleep in peace in the day. (Unless postie knocked, or people popped round or neighbours were noisy as fuck)

Sympathies though, it is extremely challenging.

Huge sympathies! I remember those days and it was HARD! sleep deprivation is the worst.

I think make night as boring as possible so meet his needs but don't do anything fun. Don't put the lights on, don't talk loudly etc. basically everything pp have said.

What I want to do is reassure you that it's a phase and it will pass but when I was going loopy through lack of rest because my babies thought sleep was for the weak, if someone had said "oh don't worry it's a phase they'll soon be sleeping through" with a smile on their well rested face, I'd have used the last of my strength to throttle them 😁

Children are different much like adults and some need less sleep than others. Those toddlers who have 1.5hr naps, go to bed at 6.30-7 and wake 12 hours later? Yeah, I didn't have any of those! At that (or any!) age, 8pm-6am was the best night I could hope for, and both of them dropped the nap entirely before 2. Naps are hard though, they still need it at their age really, but you need to keep it short and perfectly timed! I would start by pushing bedtime back slowly. But it's tough I feel you x

Ypu certainly shouldn't be reinforcing the early waking by getting up and entertaining him! I would put him to bed later

We did this, after five months still fuck all difference. She had a lay in today, she didn’t wake up until 5:05am.

I’m another outlier having had a (first) child who did not sleep for the first 20 months of his life. Everyone around me had (un) helpful suggestions and made me feel it was down to me being a useless mother, my mil bullied me into stopping breastfeeding earlier than I wanted to. I was more susceptible to all the bullying and criticism due to being utterly sleep deprived. One time I wrote a sleep diary for a 24 hour period and he slept for 7 hours and 45 minutes, not all in one go obviously! Nothing I tried changed anything and at about 20 months he just started sleeping. My second slept like an angel from the start and as a toddler used to ask me to put her to bed when she was tired, same mother (although better rested and more confident the second time round). So I don’t have any advice because I know you’ve tried everything and you know your situation and your child better than me, only this too will pass and be kind to yourself because sleep deprivation is utterly debilitating.

I personally wouldn't stop the breastfeeding both mine BF and they just self weaned even from the night feed; can't remember when though, know it wasn't too much later.

Wrt the early wake up I posted this on a thread a while ago so just found it to copy 😂:

Can you do what I used to do when mine woke super early which is bring them in my bed and pretend to be asleep so they cuddled up and went back to sleep with me? Room was child safe anyway so if they played around a bit on the bed it was fine but after 10 mins in the dark 'on their own' (IE me there but 'asleep") they always got bored and went to sleep; Never failed.

Worth saying again, it Never failed! 😊

We have a spare bed in her bedroom. If she ever wakes up I go in, check she’s not wet, then crash on the bed and go “shhh shhh shhh”. I say nothing else. I often fall asleep in there once she’s drifted back off but I can’t be doing with laying her back down and patting her for hours. She’s not a cuddler so no point doing that!