School fees and inheritance. I have my hard hat

[barenakedhazy]

I have 3 children, currently all at Uni. My sister is child free by choice.

11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer. He'd recently sold his house to downsize to a small flat in an over 50s block and he was cash rich. He offered to pay for the kids to go to school. He felt really strongly about them going and this mattered to him- more than it mattered to us frankly. To ensure their education wouldn't be disrupted he paid the school for 7 years up front for each child. This was just over £100k each.

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us. (Look - before people start pulling this apart it was a lot more complicated and involved- this is just a simplified summary). He felt confident this wouldn't be a problem as he owned a property he'd paid £250k for and had another £200k left after paying the school fees, as well as a good pension for day to day living.

Over the next 10 years things weren't brilliant. In summary- flat was a terrible investment which cost £50k in 5 years for leasehold repairs and eventually sold for less than he bought it. There were some mistaken investments. He helped out his sister with a loan and she then died and our cousins were dreadful and said without a legal loan agreement they wouldn't repay from her estate. Finally there was a fall that hospitalised him and left him wheelchair bound and needing full time care.

My dad died 7 months ago and after over 5 years in a care home there was almost nothing left for an inheritance.

My sister and I are joint executors and she is furious. She says I got over £300k and she got nothing. She wants £150k off my husband and I to make it "fair".

I understand she's upset and do see how it seems wrong. However we weren't going to go the private school route as we couldn't afford it- this was something that mattered to my Dad and which he did for his grandchildren. I said I see it as a gift to his grandchildren- she says she's being punished for being child free.

I was sympathetic but she's been so bloody horrible that I'm at the stage of just telling her to get lost and never speaking to her again. She's made Dad's death all about money and seems more upset that there's no inheritance than the fact that he's died. She visited rarely and had nothing to do with setting up the care home or managing the fees- I had POA and did all of that. Now she wants his accounts audited and I'm so angry at the implication that I mismanaged things.

Anyway. AIBU to tell her that she's not getting £150k off us? We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement which has been worrying her, so I think some of this is because she was relying on dad's money. However if she'd have bothered to get involved in his care she'd have seen the situation in real time.

And yet you still took his money?

So were they not his kids that he agreed to accept £300K-worth of private schooling for, then?

Because it is what the OP wrote in her posts.
That the DF told the DSis he was going to make it equal in the will.
It isn’t usual to give a copy of the will to everyone when you write it.

Ask yourself - how would you feel if you were in your sister's shoes?

I think the way you should see it is that your kids have had the school fees, so they cant also have the house deposits.

They were never going to have both if things had panned out as planned, and if you dont rebalance things your sister’s half of your dad’s estate will basically be funding one or the other.

if i was one of your children, i’d understand that.

you can still hold onto savings for you and your DH

That there did not end up being money with those kind of numbers being the margins is ridiculously predictable. So predictable that there is no way for your sister not to take this personally. Your father made a conscious decision to choose your children over her. He made a conscious decision to put all his resources into one branch of his family tree.

That was his right, but it is going to make her feel unloved. That you didn’t stand up for her and benefited from this plan isn’t really about the money. It’s about what it shows about your feelings towards her.

But you actually recognise it’s unfair🤔 So

^ this exactly

Exactly

My initial gut reaction to this is that your dad gifted each of your kids an education. The money did not go to you therefore it shouldn't be classed as inheritance and if there's nothing left, that's just tough.

Then I took a moment to think about it..

I have 2 kids. My DB has none. Our parents have helped both of us out massively already.

If I were in your situation, I'd feel guilty. I love my brother and I'd want to help him out and I think I'd give what I can.

However if he came at me demanding half of whatever my parents had given years earlier, I'd be telling him to fuck right off.

So I th

Your family unit have massively benefited from your father’s generosity. It’s pointless saying you weren’t going to send them to private school. You did … and you accepted fees for private school for all
three children. A huge amount. You have to give your sister her fair share. Show some
humility and see the situation from your sister’s perspective. Judging her life choices is irrelevant, she’s not more or less deserving because of the temporary jobs she’s had and the boyfriends she no longer has.

She said that was a simplification. Either way unless you’re suggesting the OP acted in bad faith around the time the will was made, it was still the father’s decision.

so the children benefited. Not the OP.

That's literally why the money was given, so the kids had significant head start. It was never a loan!

Posted too soon..

So I think in your situation, gift her what you can / want to.

But I don't agree with her demanding £150k.

If your dad didn't give her money based on her life choices, that's nothing to do with you. That was his decision and it was his money then.

But if you want to keep a relationship with your sister, I'd offer something.

But I'd not be made to feel guilty about the wonderful gift my dad gave my kids. His money, his choice.

OP saved herself 200k!! I’m sure she benefited from that money.

The fact the sister was to be left first 300k shows clearly the 300k in school fees was inheritance.

The right thing to do is give your sister half.

People keep saying we only have the money because dad paid for school, ignoring the fact that if he hadn't we wouldn't have paid for school anyway. We're not saving money because we'd never have spent it.

The £150k is 20 years of savings for a married couple. We're dipping into it at the moment to pay for university (3 children in 2 years is very expensive!) It's also some inheritance from DHs late mum.

Dad would have wanted DS to get an equal share. He was very fair. But I'm feeling like he got his wish with the school, we planned our lives accordingly and now I'm being asked to hand over my life savings because of his financial choices.

I really understand where my sister is. But I'm also a parent and hoped our life savings would help my children buy houses. My sis can't get a mortgage for various reasons- £300k might have bought her a house and frankly dad should have given it to her at the same time he paid the school fees when she could have done something with it. However at the time she was the most settled she'd ever been and owned a house with her boyfriend. I don't think he offered because frankly if we'd have been given the choice between the cash or the school we'd have taken the cash as well. Dad knew this, the school was what he wanted so here we are.

she wouldn't have spent that money, do you realise that?

She would be exactly at the same point right now without the gift. The CHILDREN on the other hand wouldn't have had a private education.

You'd be mad to give her your life savings and your husband's inheritance!

Would he even agree to that? I know I wouldn't.

Inheritance is not a right and shouldn't be relied upon.
Things change, as they have in your ddads circumstances.
He gifted that money to your DC, it wasn't a loan, it wasn't stated that you'd have to give your dsis half of the 300k on his passing.
When he passed there was no money left to inherit so your dsis has lucked out, to be blunt.
You don't owe your dsis anything, any promises of inheritance are nul and void if there's no money left, you don't inherit his promise of inheritance to your dsis.
It's ok pps bleating on about it being morally right, it isn't, the money was a gift and your ddad could have gifted dsis money at the time if he wanted to, he obviously didn't.
I'd like to see those pps hand over 150k to one of their siblings who they barely see and has little to no input in their life.
You earned and saved your money, I absolutely wouldn't give it to her, I hope your dh days the same

I find it difficult that a chap who was so financially savvy that he had £300k lying about made such bad investments later. Retirement flats are also always in the news over the service charge/leasehold fees/difficulty selling. It’s the reason several older people I know won’t consider them.

The kids will also be made responsible for their parents losing all their life savings because of their private education - that they benefited from, but didn't ask for, did they.

I mean, posters will love that, horrible privileged kids going to private school. The horror.

But that's not what their grand-father wanted at all.

Wills are often messy! Your DDad could have given his DD a chunk of money at the same time as he paid for his GC's school fees. He decided not to or at any point after that.
Sadly there's no money left now.... that's life and whilst not 'fair' one sister should not have to make things right for the other sister. Had this money not been paid out for school fees it may well have disappeared along the same way as the other money did.
Sounds as though your sister was banking on a windfall of money that was never guaranteed! If she chose not to be involved, so didn't really know what was going on, that's her look out.

So… had you not had twins you would have paid school fees for 2 kids, your Dad paid for 3 and saved you £200k.

Do you think your Dad would have done that had he known there would not be a penny left for his other daughter?

Did he care more about his grandkids, the ones with the high earning parents, than he did about his own child?

Come on, OP, do the right thing.

Would you really hand over your life savings and your husband's inheritance because your children received a gift years ago?