Dating someone with a health condition

[dillydal]

Cross posting for traffic.

I've been single for four years and have a 6 year old child. I've dated in the past but nothing that turned into anything serious. My child's dad was abusive and it's taken me a long time to feel comfortable again.

I've recently started seeing someone who is lovely, really caring and kind and funny. For the first time I feel like it might go somewhere. He disclosed to me last week that he has cystic fibrosis. I don't know loads about it but I do know that it's not going away and it is likely progressive.

I don't know what to do and whether it's selfish to bring this into my child's life with this kind of degree of health uncertainty. For what it's worth, you'd have had no idea if he hadn't had told me but that isn't likely to be the case for ever.

Has anyone dated / married someone knowing they have a life long health condition? Or even CF. What would you do?

Selfishly, I would walk away. I wouldn't walk away if we had been together a long time before the diagnosis, but I wouldn't want to get involved with someone who had a debilitating progressive illness from the outset, especially if I already had a child to care for. I feel bad for the guy, but I'm not a great carer.

It sounds like a lot to take on, I don't think it's wrong to not feel able to take on this.

The way I see it, it's no different form marrying a healthy person. We all start falling apart at some stage. My partner was diagnosed with multiple progressive health conditions last year. He was fit and healthy when we started dating.

It really depends on how he manages it. I wouldn’t let it deter me. Love is love.

Nope.

Well all sorts of people date all sorts of other people don't they. I don't think it's a simple as "health condition, no thanks", and I don't believe all the people saying no way would actually walk away if they were in your position.

If you don't think it's right for you it's fine to end it, you can end it for any reason in fact and there's no obligation for you to continue if you're not comfortable, in fact you'd be doing him a favour if it really puts you off.

However - the bit that really sticks out to me is that you've said you don't know much about it. Fear is often rooted in ignorance/lack of information. Educate yourself and ask him lots of questions about it before you decide.

People with cystic fibrosis now tend to live to middle age when they have appropriate treatment, but they usually don’t make it to old age. However, life expectancy for people with CF has drastically increased in recent decades.

CF treatment has advanced a lot recently and the people with CF I know now live normal lives, hold down full time jobs, do sport etc. They no longer end up in hospital with chest infections etc. New medication means they have a much better quality of life and prognosis than even 3 or 4 years ago. Information you get from people and online anout life expectancy, previous experiences etc is therefore likely to be outdated.

Talk to him about his medication and prognosis properly before you make this decision.

A boyfriend 35 years ago (relevant because things have moved on in the meantime) had diabetes, and it impacted his ability to socialise (eating and drinking). I realised in time I didn't love him enough for this not to be an issue and the relationship finished after three years. He went on to marry someone who did love him lots. How much do you love this person?

If he’s on the new medication Tikafta the life expectancy is estimated to be around 80 now.

My best friends died of CF, that particular illness is not something I could mentally cope with in a partner.

Mumsnet is a terrible place to ask this, it's notoriously ableist.
The truth is the world doesn't divide neatly into "healthy people" and "people with long term conditions and disabilities". Anyone from the former group can join the latter group at any point in time. You're not guaranteed a long and healthy life either, far from it. If he's managing his condition and doing all the right things in the here and now, that would be enough for me.

people born 50 years ago are living to 50.

Actually I know people who have lived into their 80s, born 80 years ago! and survived the "treatment" available then.

who knows what the life expectancy of someone in their 30s is now - probably normal, I should think

I agree with this.

Anything can happen to you or anyone that instantly changes your life forever. If I loved him enough, he treated me well, treated my children well then that would be all I’d need.

It's called Kaftrio in the UK, but yes he is on it.

It's not CF but I have a fluctuating and life limiting condition and being very honest, I would tell you to walk away.

I don't know much about CF, but being in my own situation has massive impacts on my DH and DCs. Luckily they are wonderful, kind and patient but everything from hospital admissions (especially unexpected ones) to needing adaptions and being sometimes physically reliant on someone else for care (even if it's not personal care just using a wheelchair for example). Everyone knowing I will have a shortened life span but no definite end date is very hard.

I also absolutely hate the "sickness and in health" mantra. DH and I love each other very much but I genuinely would understand if he couldn't cope with the situation. Our lives are completely different now and so constrained. My DH is wonderful, he is always kind and supportive no matter what but I also know sometimes he must feel overwhelmed and (shamefully) if the roles were reversed I would probably feel some resentment. It is exhausting for both of us. In sickness and in health is easy to say when you don't know the realities of it.

Whilst I agree with your point that any healthy person can become ill or disabled, I don't think people should feel uncomfortable to share their worries and truths for being of being deemed "ableist".

What do you want in your future op? Do you want to live together or would you be happy to have him as a boyfriend you never live with? Has he already met your child and bonded?

I can see both sides. I'm a single parent and can fully accept your concerns for the impact on your child are valid. But I also have a degenerative health condition that will severely impact my mobility by the end leaving me in need for a lot of care. I wasn't single when we discovered I have it but when I was first sick my partner fucked off. It fucking hurts to know no one will ever date me now because I'm seen as a burden. I still have many good years and anybody can get sick in reality it's just some of us know our future when many others don't. It means a lonely life for many people when others won't come near them due to their health conditions. But it's not your job to take on that care role your first responsibility is to your child and having left an abusive relationship you deserve a relationship that lets you live and being a carer does not. Nothing is fair with degenerative health issues.