Dating someone with a health condition

[dillydal]

Cross posting for traffic.

I've been single for four years and have a 6 year old child. I've dated in the past but nothing that turned into anything serious. My child's dad was abusive and it's taken me a long time to feel comfortable again.

I've recently started seeing someone who is lovely, really caring and kind and funny. For the first time I feel like it might go somewhere. He disclosed to me last week that he has cystic fibrosis. I don't know loads about it but I do know that it's not going away and it is likely progressive.

I don't know what to do and whether it's selfish to bring this into my child's life with this kind of degree of health uncertainty. For what it's worth, you'd have had no idea if he hadn't had told me but that isn't likely to be the case for ever.

Has anyone dated / married someone knowing they have a life long health condition? Or even CF. What would you do?

Treatments for CF have come a long way. There is nothing to say that your new date wont get to a grand old age.

I do know someone who has recently married their partner who has a condition that finishes people off in their mid to late 20s... and they are mid 20s. They are very happy though, and that is all that matters. She also has a kid from a previous relationship.

The new treatments have been a game changer. If he's on one of those I would.

Yes, and the child in question adores his step dad.
But you can't shield kids from everything.

But if someone has an existing condition, that's a 100% guarantee right there. And I have skin in the game as someone who suffers debilitating and limiting migraines.

However, I agree that an existing condition that is well managed isn't a kill switch on a relationship - better than, for example, my brother, who had suffered bad health in the past couple of years and handles it terribly.

My work colleague has this condition, she is recently married absolutely full of life, hardly ever has time off. I would hate to think of anyone rejecting someone for this alone

No I personally wouldn't

I think the new treatments are life-changing? I would presume that would mean a much better prognosis. Have you had a proper conversation about it or are you just going with what you think you know?

Also, OP? There’s a 97-98% chance that he can’t have kids.

I would sadly personally walk way from this personally. If it was just me yes but with a child, no.

Mum is not mid 20s. She is actually mid 40s, so there is a big gap between them.
Both very disabled in various ways, and both very happy. They get very nasty comments from the public about their relationship.
Her lad loves her step dad. He has ASD, and has been taught about the health issues of others.

That's different though, you have CF issues for your entire life.

My lovely friend died of CF in her early 20's - I'm so glad that that's not the case any more. If i's a serious relationship, just make sure that you don't have a recessive CF gene and your children will be fine.

I'd be asking him for advice over Mumsnet. He will know far more about his personal medical history and outlook over anyone on here.

If he's on Kaftrio I'd be expecting him to be leading a normal life, Kaftrio has utterly changed cystic fibrosis. Anyone posting about it being a death sentence is out of date, on Kaftrio people are looking at living a normal life span.

I only know one person with CF but he's middle aged, works full time and runs marathons. Thanks to Kaftrio.

Also none of us knew what the future holds. I married a guy with no health conditions. Few years later he can't work and can't drive. Neither of us had any idea this was coming. For all you know, you could end up more ill than he is.

At least you would know what you're getting into. In many ways that is better than getting with someone you think is healthy and then have them suddenly get ill or die a few years later. He will know what he is dealing with, and if he is dealing with it well there is no reason to think that he won't live to a good old age.

My point is that nobody can guarantee health. You can have a long term condition and live a relatively normal life when it is well managed. Or you can be perfectly healthy and suddenly receive a diagnosis of something which hugely impacts on yours and others quality of life.

I don’t have CF but I have multiple chronic illnesses and I am disabled. I would walk away if I was you because you have a child. Me and my DP get along fine with it because we don’t have kids, so I can take recovery days and we can adapt our life to fit my needs and still enjoy our life. However with kids, it’s harder for them to understand someone needing to cancel plans last minute, struggling to keep up, hospital stays etc.

This. I'm shocked actually at some of the replies here. If you really like him just keep seeing him for a while and see how it goes.

Honestly wouldn't bother me. DH was very open in the beginning that he was 4 years post organ transplant. He wasn't sick again until after we married. A few times he's ended up in hospital which is hard especially now we have kids. He's coming up to 20 years now. At some point he'll need another transplant but we will deal with that when we need to

It depends what kind of future you’re imagining together. My DH has a chronic health condition and while not life-limiting, it’s hard to live with. It’s exceptionally hard for him but from a partner perspective it’s also very draining to be around someone who is continually miserable. Our lives are so small now and it’s just so different from what I had imagined and hoped for.

Will you be expected to slot into a career role? Will you continue with some degree of separation? How does he manage life when he’s unwell? I’m so delighted to hear of such a great new drug. Is he proactive about his health? How has he managed the mental health impacts of being diagnosed, and the trauma of an uncertain future since he was small? Does he have a good support system around him? To me, all these things make a big difference.

I have two sons with CF and while I’m not going to say you should or shouldn’t date this man I hope I can give you a realistic picture of what life is like with CF.

With the new medications CF is not the death sentence it once was. I now believe my sons to have a normal life expectancy. Obviously there will be exceptions to this and it would also depend on the level of organ damage prior to starting the medication.

Before starting Kaftrio five years ago they were both on IV antibiotics every three months but haven’t needed any since.

Neither has had a sick day for CF related illness in that time.

A bigger concern would be the impact on daily life. So while the burden of treatment has reduced greatly they still have to do nebulisers, physio and take a lot of medication.

They attend regular clinic appointments at the hospital. I’m lucky that they are seen locally but some people would have to travel further for this. There are also appointments from time to time for liver scans, bone density scans and blood tests.

There is at least a 95% chance they are infertile so fertility treatment would be likely if you wanted more children. Also if you are a carrier there is a high likelihood any children would also have CF (3 in 4 chance).

They can’t mix with other people with CF due to cross infection risks and need to be really careful around mixing with people with coughs, colds etc.

There are some activities they can’t do because of risks of infection eg. No hot tubs or jacuzzi.

Everyone with CF will be making their own risk assessment as to what is acceptable for them.

Recently we have had supply issues with some of their meds which has been stressful and time consuming to locate supplies.

On the positive side they are both great at looking after their health - no smoking, vaping, drinking and plenty of exercise.

I hope you will find this useful.