Dating someone with a health condition

[dillydal]

Cross posting for traffic.

I've been single for four years and have a 6 year old child. I've dated in the past but nothing that turned into anything serious. My child's dad was abusive and it's taken me a long time to feel comfortable again.

I've recently started seeing someone who is lovely, really caring and kind and funny. For the first time I feel like it might go somewhere. He disclosed to me last week that he has cystic fibrosis. I don't know loads about it but I do know that it's not going away and it is likely progressive.

I don't know what to do and whether it's selfish to bring this into my child's life with this kind of degree of health uncertainty. For what it's worth, you'd have had no idea if he hadn't had told me but that isn't likely to be the case for ever.

Has anyone dated / married someone knowing they have a life long health condition? Or even CF. What would you do?

My husband has t1 diabetes - he is generally well but his sugars do affect us at times (suddenly can't drive, gets ill much more than the rest of us) but I can't imagine all those years ago deciding not to date him because of it.

We have kids now - yes their dad might have a shorter life expectancy or more issues as an older man but so? I could drop dead tomorrow or get cancer and need caring for myself - anyone could!

Where do people draw the line? Would the same people discourage relationships with those who are unhealthy (overweight, work long/stressful hours, don’t exercise, eat lots of processed foods, drink, recreational drug users, smoke/vape etc) because they are likely to have a shorter life expectancies as well.

There are risks involved with most things and most relationships don’t work out so no need to introduce a child at all if this one isn’t a long term one.

I'm a single mum too and if it was the right person then I wouldn't say it would be an instant no to a relationship. I think a lot depends on how he's willing to communicate with you about it. Do you feel able to sit down and fully discuss with him how CF affects him day to day and how good he is at managing it and get a clear and truthful answer? Obviously things will change but no one can see the future. You also both need to think about what you want from a relationship in the future, do you want more children? Do you want to live together? And have a think about how/if CF will effect these things.

Is T1 diabetes that different to CF (in the Kaftrio era)?

it requires constant monitoring and analysis of what you are eating, so the day to day 'work' of the illness is intense.

And depending on how well you do that monitoring, you can never have a day off ever, will have a massive impact on your life expectancy.

Again hopefully this has been transformed with the arrival of new insulin delivery systems, but it's still reliant on the individual to do all the work all the time.

I wouldn't personally because I understand the burden of the disease. I also wouldn't have a problem with someone making the same choice if I was one living with CF or any other health condition.

Actually those with CF now have a better life expectancy than those of us with type 1 diabetes. Very similar levels of monitoring diet and working out medication due to food intake etc. Similarly vulnerable to bacterial and viral infections etc.

I wouldn't, it would be hugely unfair to take time away from your child who did not ask for this man to be in his life. You would have to look at caring responsibilities, changing / adapting your life / just time spent that should be for your ds. Well anything could pop up on your side to, the difference is that you know beforehand with this guy the future you can expect to have

Best post on this thread, from someone living the day to day, and a very honest overview. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Thank you for this. It's really kind of you to share your experiences and really helpful insight. I hope your sons are ok.

Dh is type 1 diabetic chronic illness yes does effect people and relationships. My DC are more mature and accepting of disability than most young adults as DH is now sight impaired due to his illness. We had a rough few years healthwise and coped ( during covid). Would I not have married him due to his diabetes , it's something I considered 30 years ago, but we have had and still do have a good life. I work in health care in a CF related field and @MagicSpaceTurtle is right CF in the last few years has become much less of a life limiting disease. Sometimes those woth chronic illnesses actually make the best of partners. It depends on how they manage it. Only you can decide what you think, but he is obviously and honest and open man. There is alot to be said for that.

This wouldn’t bother me at all. If I liked the person enough then a progressive health condition wouldn’t change anything. Being human is a progressive health condition anyway and even someone supposedly 100% healthy could be gone at any point. Base your decision on your feelings not this

He has not asked you to marry him!

I would discuss my concerns with him and be open about how I feel.

I mean, that is what adult relationships are about.

He may dump you first because he thinks you are a callous human being with no empathy.

I know I would dump you if I was him.

Do not try and fool yourself or him by pretending to be a nice caring human being.

Find someone like yourself. Fit and in perfect health.

Have the decency to not involve your child in your decision making. This is nothing to do with your child. Bringing anyone into a relationship is a risk surely from your past this is something you can relate to.

This guy has been open, honest, decent and you like him. Do the right thing and be honest and open with him.

I do know of someone with cf who I believe conceived naturally and someone else who was able to have a child via invitro.

I know people with CF. I don't know how long you knew him before he told you but if he had to tell you and you didn't notice them it sounds like he's doing really well. I wouldn't walk because of this.

I met a man online and chatted for a few weeks. We agreed to meet up. That was when he told me he'd had a stroke but that he wasn't too badly impacted. Fair enough.

When he arrived for the date he was very impacted by the stroke. I felt very let down that he'd lied to me. And that's what put me off him, not the fact that he was clearly very disabled. I didn't see him again for that reason.

You can choose to end a relationship for any reason you like OP. Yes, anything can happen to anyone at any time but if you don't feel comfortable with the situation, you don't.

This is quite an unnecessary response.

This is quite an unnecessary response.

You’re right. It is.

It’s perfectly valid to consider if his health issues are something that you can handle. A family member’s illness can take a real toll on your life and own health. Even more so if you become a carer for them. I have my own health problems and disabilities and I’ve been a carer 3 times and I wouldn’t willingly sign up to do it again for someone who wasn’t already a huge part of my life. It totally fucked my mental health up.

I’m not saying that you’ll have to be a carer for him or that you shouldn’t consider dating him and there are many factors to consider(How he looks after his health, personality, how brittle/severe his health is, what medical care is available, how much you like him etc) but the reality is that living with a person with major health problems can be challenging and restrictive and it’s fine to put yourself first and decide that it’s too much for you to handle.

I hate the argument that anything could happen to you, well yes it could but intuit happens it isn’t your reality and it’s logical to assess things differently when you know for a fact that something is going to happen than when it’s a mere possibility.