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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Yes I know it’s been done before! Stepchild and wedding

79 replies

EWAB · 14/06/2024 13:48

I know we’ve had the same thread before but I’m hurting.

In-laws have known my 24 year old since they were 7 I.e. longer than they’ve known my youngest son.

Two of partner’s nieces are getting married. DP and I are invited with my youngest but not eldest.

These nieces are almost a decade older than my youngest but nearer in age to eldest who they do know and one even socialises with him occasionally as they have mutual friends.

These nieces are cousins themselves not sisters so I wonder if they discussed his exclusion.

Partner and youngest definitely want to go to both of these weddings.

OP posts:
fancysleep · 15/06/2024 16:57

EWAB · 15/06/2024 16:56

@fancysleep We’ve been together for 18 years! The only sibling that has broken up with someone was his brother after nearly a quarter of a century of marriage.

Yeah some people are really weird though

Original poster
EWAB · 15/06/2024 16:58

@ThePassageOfTime I have known them for 18 years . They are my partner’s nieces. My son’s first cousins.

OP posts:
Despair1 · 15/06/2024 17:01

Of course your 24 year old son should be invited. Irrespective of his age, your ILs have known him since he was 7 and he is the brother of your younger child and he is as 'good as' a cousin to your DH's nieces. I can see why you are upset. I have yet to know of a wedding that hasn't caused some sort of upset re who/who has not been invited. I am not sure what advice to give re how to proceed

theowlwhisperer · 15/06/2024 17:06

Your son is not family and is an adult. You might not like it, but there's no reason why he should be invited.

It's very common for people to invite uncle/auntie, sometimes the youngest, but not all the adult cousins. Weddings are expensive, and frankly, between having to invite the adult son of your aunt-in-law and a friend, it's not unreasonable to want the friend.

If your son was a child, then yes, it would be mean. You can't invite 1 child not the other, but he's an adult.

ThePassageOfTime · 15/06/2024 17:09

EWAB · 15/06/2024 16:58

@ThePassageOfTime I have known them for 18 years . They are my partner’s nieces. My son’s first cousins.

Yes but are you actually close? Do you have an on-going relationship?

Itiswhysofew · 15/06/2024 17:09

That's very bad form of them. Your DS is family, not an extra to be excluded. It's a very hurtful slight.

I'll never understand why adults behave this way towards stepchildren.

Despair1 · 15/06/2024 17:13

theowlwhisperer · 15/06/2024 17:06

Your son is not family and is an adult. You might not like it, but there's no reason why he should be invited.

It's very common for people to invite uncle/auntie, sometimes the youngest, but not all the adult cousins. Weddings are expensive, and frankly, between having to invite the adult son of your aunt-in-law and a friend, it's not unreasonable to want the friend.

If your son was a child, then yes, it would be mean. You can't invite 1 child not the other, but he's an adult.

Completely disagree with this' Your son is not family'; depends on interpretation of family. I have '4 'grandchildren; 2 are genetically my grandchildren, the older 2 are their brothers who I 'inherited'. In the best interests and wellbeing of all, I treat them all the same. That's how it works

wp65 · 15/06/2024 17:18

theowlwhisperer · 15/06/2024 17:06

Your son is not family and is an adult. You might not like it, but there's no reason why he should be invited.

It's very common for people to invite uncle/auntie, sometimes the youngest, but not all the adult cousins. Weddings are expensive, and frankly, between having to invite the adult son of your aunt-in-law and a friend, it's not unreasonable to want the friend.

If your son was a child, then yes, it would be mean. You can't invite 1 child not the other, but he's an adult.

Oh ffs, of course he's family.

And the OP's nearly 18 year old son is the youngest cousin. So they are all adults, more or less.

AFmammaG · 15/06/2024 17:23

Your son is not family and is an adult. You might not like it, but there's no reason why he should be invited
Same logic could be applied to the OP though as she isn’t married to their brother, but she received an invite.

I think it’s ridiculous to exclude one person in a family of four. It was bound to cause upset. I wouldn’t go and I’d hope my partner would show his support by doing the same.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 15/06/2024 19:32

It is shitty to exclude like this unless there is a backstory like he ran over their cat and laughed about it or something. Otherwise it would be a deal breaker for me - and I would not think much of a DH or DC who was happy for the other child to be excluded.

BodyKeepingScore · 15/06/2024 21:25

EWAB · 14/06/2024 14:41

@MBappse No two weddings!

They are first of this generation to marry so this is the tone that is being set.

I have the phone number of one of them. I am tempted to ring.

Absolutely do not ring to ask why your adult son has not been invited to a wedding. Their wedding, their choice.

SummerSnowstorm · 15/06/2024 21:28

Have you checked with your son that they haven't invited him on a separate invite as he's not full time at home?

SeismicSalad · 15/06/2024 21:37

Sorry but I really don’t get the problem. They’re all adults. Do you expect every adult to invite every cousin they have to their wedding? Does your 24 year old even have any interest in attending these weddings?

sleepyscientist · 15/06/2024 21:43

SeismicSalad · 15/06/2024 21:37

Sorry but I really don’t get the problem. They’re all adults. Do you expect every adult to invite every cousin they have to their wedding? Does your 24 year old even have any interest in attending these weddings?

Yes!! We wrote the guest list before we looked at venues so we knew how much space we needed.

cushionstar · 15/06/2024 22:10

This happened when I was around 19 and my dad's wife family invited my dad his wife and their children but not me as I was the step daughter. My dad said if we all don't get invited we aren't all
Going and we didn't.

SeismicSalad · 15/06/2024 22:56

sleepyscientist · 15/06/2024 21:43

Yes!! We wrote the guest list before we looked at venues so we knew how much space we needed.

Show quote history

I would hope you invited people that you like the most, rather than prioritising relatives? I’m not married and my cousins all seem like nice enough people but I doubt I’d invite any of them if I got married, even if I chose to have a big wedding 🤷🏻‍♀️. Certainly if I chose to invite an aunt and uncle and they complained that I hadn’t invited their adult children I’d think they’d lost the plot.

Notamum12345577 · 15/06/2024 23:02

EWAB · 15/06/2024 16:58

@ThePassageOfTime I have known them for 18 years . They are my partner’s nieces. My son’s first cousins.

I would have invited him if it was my wedding

EC22 · 15/06/2024 23:05

He’s an adult, I presume youngest is a child and that’s why he’s invited, nothing more sinister than that. If it was a sibling that would be different but a more distant relative like niece then
I wouldn’t be offended.

Weekenders · 15/06/2024 23:19

This level of drama is uncalled for.

Go or don't.

Loubelle70 · 15/06/2024 23:25

I remember your previous post. What are you wanting put of the MN community that they haven't said?

Murdoch1949 · 16/06/2024 08:34

I agree with you. One son is being left out and I would be offended. I would also expect my husband to be offended and either get his stepson invited or none of you attend. It's so bloody rude and hurtful to your son. If there is a blanket rule that none of the 'children' attend then fine, but it's not that, it's that only blood cousins attend. It's your husband's job to sort this out with his brothers and sister in-laws, I know he's has tried. It must be so upsetting (infuriating) for you to have your eldest son treated like this. If no invite is forthcoming, then none of you should go, but if the invite arrives please do go, and try to put it behind you.

Original poster
EWAB · 16/06/2024 10:42

@EC22 Both brides have invited all their cousins and even second cousins, they have excluded only my son.
@Loubelle70 I have posted on here before but never about this.
The temptation of seeing family would be too much for my Partner and younger son to turn down.
I am not going. Eldest son is upset but suggested I go but I am not.
I won’t see any of them again.

OP posts:
EC22 · 16/06/2024 10:55

Adult cousins? Then yeah, I see your point, definitely off. How unkind.

SeatonCarew · 16/06/2024 11:15

I'd be expecting a great deal more loyalty from your partner and youngest ifI were you. You said he came in " looking pale", so he clearly knew it was upsetting news.

SergeantDawkins · 16/06/2024 11:21

Just a thought but as they are all adults…maybe they know the 24 year old as a peer and just don’t like him? Eg. Maybe they have conflicting views you don’t know about, have seen him post something online that you’re unaware of, or have wildly different lifestyles. Maybe they just don’t get on as adults, cousin or otherwise. They might not want to tell you why he’s not been invited in that case.