Yes I know it’s been done before! Stepchild and wedding

[EWAB]

I know we’ve had the same thread before but I’m hurting.

In-laws have known my 24 year old since they were 7 I.e. longer than they’ve known my youngest son.

Two of partner’s nieces are getting married. DP and I are invited with my youngest but not eldest.

These nieces are almost a decade older than my youngest but nearer in age to eldest who they do know and one even socialises with him occasionally as they have mutual friends.

These nieces are cousins themselves not sisters so I wonder if they discussed his exclusion.

Partner and youngest definitely want to go to both of these weddings.

Are you 100% sure that DS1, as an adult, and as a friend to one of the cousins outside of your immediately family unit, hasn’t received his own invitations separate to yours?

Are you sure (rather than just guessing) that the other adult cousins have all been invited?

Does DS1 actually WANT to go?

At the end of the day. The couple can invite who they like. This is another adult, not a child, it would be entirely different if you were talking about someone ages under 18 ( I think the title of this is quite misleading!)

I was married myself at 24 I certainly didn’t tag on with my parents to anything!

I'd say DH goes with your joint child. You don't go.

How often are both of your DC in touch with these cousins?

Your son is an adult man, not a child.
Does he want to go to the wedding anyway?
Most weddings are small affairs. It’s now unusual to invite half cousins, step relatives etc etc.
Don’t go if you feel strongly about it but my adult children not being invited to my dh’s relatives events is a non issue to me.

I’ve also not been invited to peoples weddings when I’ve been close to the bride/groom, whilst offer people who I thought weren’t as close were.
Life is too short to get huffy about it.

None of us would be going. It's either all kids or no kids (and I don't go to no kids weddings either as I don't have childcare).

I think it's fair enough, if the nieces are not that close to your ds. It would be different if he was a child, but at 24 he's an adult and they will have limits on numbers.

Your DS is 24, old enough to manage his own relationships separate to you.
What level of contact does he have with his step cousins (the brides)? Do they text regularly? Interact via social media? Or just see each other once a year at large DH’s family gatherings?

Wedding numbers are hard. There’s often far more people they’d like to invite compared to the number they can afford/fit in the venue. A step cousin would not make my preferred top tier guest list - especially as they’re an adult and probably should also have a plus 1 included.

I don't think it's a given that a niece would invite every single uncle, aunt and grown up cousin. My family are close but now we are grown up, not every event involves inviting all 12 of us cousins and their families.

If it is just because he's a step relation that is poor form but there's a leap from "I bet it's that" to actually knowing so.

When did your nieces last see your son? Do they meet up often?

I think they have probably invited the youngest as he is only a child but your eldest is an adult so not the same.

Sorry just realised your youngest is 18 so really they should have invited both or neither.

I didn't have cousins to my wedding as I have so many of them it's far too expensive

But he's not a kid, he's 24.

I think it's different when it's adults. Most weddings have some sort of limit on numbers and I would cull a cousin before a friend.

So he is actually living in the USA?

Yes, you really need to know that before forming any kind of opinion. It's certainly too soon to be 'hurting'.

I think it's poor behaviour but FGS, don't call anyone.

I have the phone number of one of them. I am tempted to ring.

I personally wouldn't. The bride has made her choice and shown how she feels about you both. Im sure likes you but you aren't priority family. If your DP had an issue with it he would have suggested talking to his niece himself but clearly he doesn't. Its his niece and DC18s cousin - no relation to yourself or your older son.

The 18 year old is an adult as well. They are still my kids no matter what their age.

Weddings are about numbers. Breaking your heart because their uncle's wife adult son isn't invited is not fair or reasonable.

I didn't invite all my cousins but did invite the children of my aunties and of those cousins I did invite.

I'd imagine he's just considered an adult in his own right now as opposed to a child living at home. I don't think all adult siblings have to be invited to the same things. They have their own relationships with their family members now.

Partner has spoken to both of his brothers. One brother did not know any details of his daughter’s wedding ( other than he was paying a chunk of it, as his ex wife is in charge.

The other brother said he didn’t know that my son wasn’t invited to his daughter’s wedding but did confirm that all the cousins so my youngest, partner’s nephew and four nieces would all be present at both weddings as well as the partner of one of the other nieces.

This brother said he would speak to his wife as his daughter is actually on someone else’s hen do.

Then apparently he starts chatting excitedly about how they can all play golf together with their cousins who are also coming over from Ireland and New Zealand for both weddings!

Partner just came in looking pale. I’m not going to either of these weddings now even if a magic invitation suddenly arrives for my son who they have known longer than they have known my younger son.

I am going to have it out with them; I want to know if they excluded him independently of one another or if they have colluded.

Partner can compartmentalise and I can totally see him and youngest going off to these weddings and golfing.

I note you say partner. Do they perhaps hope you'll split up?

If you don't even have the other nieces phone number why would any of you expect an invite as you're clearly not close?

I'm sure your 24 year old is relieved not to have to attend a distant relatives wedding. He'll get to go to mates weddings in a few years - WAY more fun

Aren't you also relieved not to have to go to a wedding of people you barely know?

Honestly be practical rather than getting sentimental for no reason.

Extended family is such an over-egged concept, I never understand why ppl aren't more focused on their friends.

@fancysleep We’ve been together for 18 years! The only sibling that has broken up with someone was his brother after nearly a quarter of a century of marriage.