Friend knawed hands and chewed nails all through our meet up

[serenaxx]

Just that really. Made my feel quite physically sick tbh. Especially as we were in a cafe at the time, meeting for a catch up over coffee and cake.
My friend has had this habit in all the years I've known her and does it all the time but for some reason I wanted to scream at her this time. It was putting my off my coffee and cheesecake. She was chewing her nails and crunching them loudly... To the extent that people at the next table were looking at us as if to ask "what the hell is wrong with her? Doesn't she have any social awareness? People are trying to eat around here..".
My friend has some issues with her relationship but chooses to stay in it regardless of him being a controller. She knows what we all think about that.
I just wish she's stop this filthy habit when in other people's company, particularly when people are trying to enjoy a coffee.
AIBU to be disgusted?

I am very squeamish, I get being disgusted. But you don't seem to care about her welfare at all. If the gnawing and stuff really bothered me, I would have suggested a walk and chat (so I don't have to see/hear it especially around my food) so I could still catch up with her and check that she's ok.

Bluntly - if her nail biting is so extreme, she should not be out in cafes and restaurants. It is disgusting trying to eat and seeing/hearing all that non stop crunching and nail falling on the table/floor. I'm sure all the "supportive" posters on here will be absolutely fine with this though.
Whatever issues she's got, moving forward maybe meet her at a park or at her house or don't meet her at all. Can't imagine having to sit through 1-2 hours of someone constantly chewing their hands and nails. And no, that doesn't make me a bad person.

Yeah I’d be fine with it. Wouldn’t even notice it.

My son chews his hands when he is anxious. It's a kind of self harm. I can often judge his mental state, by the state of his hands.

So ask yourself, OP, if she had been sitting there cutting herself with a razor blade, would you have taken any interest in her mental state? Or still come here and complained about it?

It's a very big flag that she is struggling, so please can you contact her, say "you seemed to be struggling with something. I didn't think a cafe was the right place to bring it up, so would you like to go for a walk somewhere quieter for a chat".

If you can't personally handle the chewing then arrange to meet somewhere other than a food place next time. My son actually finds busy , noisy places very difficult to cope with at times and will exacerbate the chewing.

As other posters have mentioned this is anxiety related as a minimum. I do it to varying degrees depending on my anxiety levels and let me tell you it’s more distressing for her than for you. Worst case scenario I make myself bleed and it’s painful to carry out every day tasks for days afterwards. Even that doesn’t stop me.

My friends will call me out for doing it (because I’m hurting myself, not because they’re disgusted) and support me when they recognise I’m not in a great place mentally.

I do think you’re being unreasonable but I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you didn’t realise the root cause of this type of behaviour. With your new found knowledge I’m sure you’ll be a much better friend to your friend the next time you see her!

Despite all the negativity towards the OP, nail biting is not a nice habit and if it is extreme including chewing the cuticles, it is undoubtedly nasty to watch.

I wonder if so many posters would jump to the defence of anxiety or depression if the friend was chain smoking. I doubt they would be quite so forgiving.

Honestly fair enough if OP felt uncomfortable, I think a lot of people would. But obviously it’s a long term issue for her friend and instead of bothering to help, she has taken to the internet to condemn her friend’s “filthy habit” that she’s so disgusted with! You can’t surely think that’s what a true friend would do?

Friend or not, it would still make me queasy to see that, especially while eating.

She doesn’t need friends like you judging her, let alone posting about her on MN. Shame on you.

Sorry but that's extremely grim. I'm a bit of a picker and biter myself when stressed out but to sit in public and have demonstrate bad manners isn't for me at all. How embarrassing. If she did it absentmindedly and caught on to herself then fair enough but to that extent, no.

This.

Anyone would think she was having a shit on the table by some of the 'disgusting' comments

Maybe she’s nervous around judgemental people.

She probably would like to stop doing it, too, but isn't able to. It's not like just training yourself to bring an umbrella on a rainy day. This kind of behaviour can actually be a spectrum disorder - sensory processing disorder, the "craving" type, where your brain drives you to seek out extra physical sensation. You do it before you even know you're doing it.

If you thought of her nail-chewing as resulting from crossed wires in her brain, would that make you more sympathetic?

So op let's break down your post. Your friend has a physical symptom of anxiety/ocd signaling that her mental health is not in a good place leading to body focused repetitive behaviours. You seem to recognise that this is stress related given your jump to talking about her relationship which sounds abusive. The interesting bit to me is that you then say "she chooses to stay in" as if it's so easy to leave an abusive relationship, especially when she is clearly in an already mentally low and anxious place. She may not feel mentally strong enough to leave at the moment. She may not feel safe enough to leave. The little snippets you know about how controlling her partner is are likely the very tip of the iceberg.

What you need to do op, is support her. If this particular habit is difficult when you're eating then do other things with her instead. Or ask her about it, say gently that you've noticed she's doing this more and you can see that she's anxious and stressed and how can you help. Offer to go with her to the gp. Offer to get out with her more. Tell her that whatever she needs you're there, and mean it. And educate yourself a little more around the many, many valid reasons why women don't leave or are slow to leave abusive controlling men so that you can understand that your judgement over her choosing to stay is actually a part of why so many women do feel they need to stay. Its not a choice really. It's an illusion of choice.

@ginasevern passive smoking is very bad for others health, people chewing nails not so much (except the person themselves) hth

"She was chewing her nails and crunching them loudly... To the extent that people at the next table were looking at us as if to ask "what the hell is wrong with her? Doesn't she have any social awareness? People are trying to eat around here..".

The hell?? Rest of my post missing!!

Was going to say I doubt they noticed and were thinking anything.

You don't sound like a very good friend tbh.

She knows what we all think about that.

Who is “we all”?

Sorry I don't agree OP is horrible

friend may have issues but that's not the only consideration

I was going to say the same @EatCrow

@MoodyMargaret11 I bet you're fun at a party.

What a lack of empathy and compassion. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I do this too; I die of embarrassment if anyone notices.
Im going to try magic mushrooms in an attempt to rewire my neural pathways.
Worth a go because nothing else works.

Clearly the bigger concern is her welfare. I hope she's OK. I imagine not!

Yes, this would also bother me if I was in the cafe if I'm being 100% honest. But it indicates a more serious issue

My ds does this when his anxiety is bad. He has ASD. I do feel some sympathy for you, because it is not pleasant when you're eating, but your friend probably has very little control over it. Perhaps, as a PP suggested, go for a walk next time. She is much less likely to do it when she's on the move. Also, it really sounds like she needs all of the friends she can get at this point. Please try to think about the reasons you are friends with her.

You are not a friend if you have not discussed this with her