Friend knawed hands and chewed nails all through our meet up

[serenaxx]

Just that really. Made my feel quite physically sick tbh. Especially as we were in a cafe at the time, meeting for a catch up over coffee and cake.
My friend has had this habit in all the years I've known her and does it all the time but for some reason I wanted to scream at her this time. It was putting my off my coffee and cheesecake. She was chewing her nails and crunching them loudly... To the extent that people at the next table were looking at us as if to ask "what the hell is wrong with her? Doesn't she have any social awareness? People are trying to eat around here..".
My friend has some issues with her relationship but chooses to stay in it regardless of him being a controller. She knows what we all think about that.
I just wish she's stop this filthy habit when in other people's company, particularly when people are trying to enjoy a coffee.
AIBU to be disgusted?

I think you are unfairly getting a hard time here from poster, i think you are entitled to be disgusted by this habit and wish she would stop- for her own sake as much as yours to stop people looking at her. But nothing in your post says you told her to stop, and you were doing nothing but venting.

We can empathise with people having issues, doesn't mean we have to just ignore, if i had a friend with depression/ anxiety that was leading to personal hygiene issues i would try find a way to gently help,

Thank you for highlighting this condition. I had no idea what it’s called but my DD1 has suffered from skin biting for 17 years. Triggered by a house move to another part of the country which fell through but she never recovered from the stress. She peels the skin from her finger tips, sometimes so badly it affects the use of her hands.

But does this condition cover nail biting? Dd2 is a compulsive nail biter. I think its a stim. Eldest is undiagnosed autistic, younger one has a learning disability but apparently ( doctor ruled it out at screening) not autistic.

I wish they could stop but they can’t.

I'm autistic and suffer with anxiety especially in social situations and I do this a lot. It's a compulsion and I WISH so much that I didn't do it. I hurt myself, I make myself bleed, yet I can't stop.
When someone draws attention to it i feel so terrible after. I know it's disgusting.

YABVU and don't sound like a nice person or a good friend.

I don’t agree.

l wouldn’t be bothered by someone doing this. This friendship is not a good fit.

Personally I don't think it's disgusting (I would say that though!)

I doubt a majority feel it is disgusting, it's just a habit some people have. It doesn't affect anyone else except the person doing it who gets sore fingers.

I’m sure she’s doing it just to piss you off, OP, and put you off your cheesecake. She’s entirely in control of it but choosing to do it to make other people uncomfortable. It’s clearly in no way a symptom of ongoing distress and difficulty, so you should immediately ring her and tell her what an awful human being she is and how your feelings matter so much more than hers. On no account show any concern for what’s behind it and definitely, definitely don’t try to do anything to help. It’s what any friend would do.

Compulsions are compulsive. Who knew?

I think maybe you are reading too much into the looks other people were giving you, maybe they just wanted your cheesecake. You can’t read minds.

I actually sympathise. I'm also neurodiverse and the habit some people have of picking and chewing at their nails and hands is almost painful for me. I also can't stand loud eating to the point of it being just actively unbearable, and for years my family just thought I was being ridiculously picky about stuff like this - and it was so frustrating for me that they thought I was just being a drama queen - until I was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD and it fell into place.

I also sympathise with the friend, I have a friend who does this when she's anxious, and it gets worse if she's going through a bad patch.

This. Have some empathy.

I guarantee you that she almost certainly can't help it, and hates doing it. It's a really distressing compulsion to have.

If you can't stand it then don't see her; it's up to you. You're not obliged to spend time with someone who makes you want to scream.

However, using disparaging terms like 'filthy' and 'disgusting' about her suggests you don't really like or respect her anyway. You're incredibly dismissive of her and any issues she might have, and the way you're talking about her is just crass and obnoxious.

Spend time with her or don't spend time with her, it's your choice, but if you do spend time with her, at least try not to be cunty about her.

I would have asked you to fuck off.

You're asking if you're unreasonable for thinking about the way it affected YOU how your clearly anxious/stressed friend was biting her nails?
Really?

My DD does this due to Autism. She has tried so many things and experiences a lot of shame and frustration around not being able to stop. I'm grateful that she has people in her life who accept her for who she is and don't dismiss her distress as a "bat habit".

Your friend needs better friends.

Same

My most successful attempts to minimise doing this are using a lot of high urea handcream. This helps eliminate all the little tags that are so compelling.

But that's minimising it not stopping.

Why should her friends feelings trump the ops revulsion?

.....

Op, I would be honest with her and say that it makes you feel ill and discuss treatments that might help her such as wearing cotton gloves and seeking counselling.

I was a nail biter for 35 years but I never did it in public. YANBU.

I live with a family of nail biters and finger pickers - it drives me mad. It’s agitating to be around and when grown adults have their fingers in their mouth covered in saliva it looks absolutely remedial. I especially hate it when checkout operators do it and then touch your shopping.

I don’t think you’re horrible or unreasonable op. I totally get it. I don’t know what you do about it though - it’s unconscious and pathological. I have to compartmentalise to live with it.

…and I would’ve asked you to do your nail biting somewhere else. I’m with you OP, that would have repulsed me.

It would make me feel ill queasy too, but I like to think I would be slightly more compassionate than you come across in your post. Perhaps if you know that it makes you feel this way, next time suggest you meet for walk or something instead.

You sound really mean Op as do the people staring.
I don't bite my nails however I've got no skin (hardly any) around my nails and on some fingers right down to the knuckle because of anxiety; there's been times I've had every finger & both thumbs bandaged because of it,, it's not pleasant but also can't be helped.

I just wouldn't go for coffee with her.

If she's done this for years and you can't cope with it when you're eating and drinking then why meet up at a place where you eat and drink?