Friends lied to us

[QuirkyPearlSwan]

So me and my husband made friends with another couple at school when picking up kids over ten years ago we became really goods mate. All the kids got along so everything was brilliant ( holidays, days out, nights out). We have 2 kids 1 child that has a serve heart condition which has led him to have several surgery’s in his life with still more to come in following years. as friends they knew about my child health.

Friends they went on to have another child which when baby was born they told me that she has a heart condition so we offered help and support and advise to them (I did find it strange that when they told use they didn’t seem to bothered with the news)
so today I got a shock when grandparents of child picked up other kids from school as the child was in hospital and when I asked how heart condition is they said she not got a heart condition

so now I’m confused to why they lied to use when they no what it as been like for use and all the worry we have been through and still are.

I feel angry I am glad her daughter ok but feel like how can they been friends with us with a big lie like that

My child has a serious medical condition that she will live with for the rest of her life. My parents know barely anything about it and the in laws know that she takes medication. They have form for gossip and for treating people differently who are disabled. We take the view that it's her information to share when she's older. Everyone is different.

My dad doesn't even have a basic grasp on his OWN health conditions never mind my children's health.

Weird you are putting any stock into that at all.

Also just as another point:

My co-workers (who I saw everyday) knew I had cancer... my family (except for DH who knew obviously) and friends didn't (I barely saw them as I moved away).

I was unlikely to die (just had surgery to remove it and a year of monitoring) and they have form for being highly dramatic or gossiping so there was no point phoning them out of the blue to tell them and then it just never came up. Been 10 years and they still don't know.

Do you think the grandparents know the truth? Just gently find that out when you can before you jump to any conclusions.
And ,as you say, the bottom line is....the child is ok.

Sounds misjudged but do you think they said it thinking it would make you feel you weren't going through it on your own, or perhaps they haven't told the grandparents as they wouldn't want them constantly fretting. Either way I'd talk to them and ask because you could lose a great friendship when there's no performance.

I have a 'friend' like that - everything that happened to me she had to do one better eg my brother seriously ill in hospital her daughter on life support. Dd expecting a baby she's expecting triplets! She also claimed to have cancer ( who does that) and needed help with paying for a taxi and muggins here helped her with her promising to pay me back. Well she hasn't and I've learned a lesson!

My DH never tells his parents anything like that. His mother has a mental health issue so he keeps them in the dark in case it tips her over. Everything is all pleasant and surface level. Never any depth or honesty but that's just how they are.

What I'm saying is the grandparents may not know

If I was you I would not jump to conclusions.
You really dont know and its impolite to discuss and the grandparent might just be being discreet not wanting to discuss private family matters of health and stopping the conversation by just denying it. Its really no one elses business , why or wherefore if so someone has a Heart or any other condition and should not be used as a general topic of conversation. This type of invasion of privacy makes my blood boil.

I agree with this. It's so inappropriate that you asked the grandparents about it, and you are jumping to a lot of conclusions.

If your friends' child does have a health issue then it sounds as if you may have put your foot in it big time with the grandparents, who may or may not know about it but clearly weren't prepared to discuss it with just anyone.

As a total aside, I'm assuming this is somehow local dialect, but what's with the repeated use of "use" for "us"? Apologies, but English isn't my first language and this really jumped out at me.

My in-laws (and my mum) didn't know the details of my DC/my DH/my health. Any more than I knew the detail of theirs.

My DD has a heart condition. DH didn't tell his parents because his mum is a worrier and would have been in a constant state of panic. She knows now, DD had to have OHS when she was nearly 3 and DH couldn't keep it from her anymore, but for the first few years she had no clue.
Don't leap to the conclusion that they lied, you don't know what's going on.

Hi OP,

my toddler had a heart condition identified at our 20w scan.. at the time we were sent to GOSH the next day, loads of extra scans and it all felt quite worrying. However, by the time he was born and in all his scans since he’s been fine, to the point where his diagnosis is really quite irrelevant. We’ve had so much reassurance from health professionals that I now feel completely at ease with it, I hardly ever think about it. His GPs do know but I really doubt they would remember, I can imagine them responding in the same way if asked.

I wonder whether it’s possible the same is for your friends? It sounds as though maybe they had some investigations but possibly quite a different experience to you? The least likely possibility is that they’ve made it up, maybe somewhere things have been exaggerated but I do think even that is more likely to reflect maybe some uncertainty or anxiety they were experiencing around the possibility of things getting worse at the time.

I don’t think you’ve given many specific details about what your friends have said so maybe we would see things differently with more detail.

My DS has a heart condition. I don’t think my PILs know/remember what that is, and they definitely wouldn’t discuss it with strangers to them if they did.

Well they have lied to someone. Either you or the grandparents.

No... not telling someone private medical information is NOT lying.

Parents have every right not to tell grandparents about their kids health issues. Privacy is not a 'lie'.

yet they are happy to blab Blab blab to their mates?

Its not blabbing to seek out experience people when going through something. (that is LITERALLY why support groups exist)

Its not blabbing to trust a friend over a family member. (You have ZERO concept of that family members understanding, mentality, personality or relationship)

Its not blabbing to need to share weight with a trusted person outside the family. (Its entirely healthy and the reason you can even hire people for the purpose if you don't have anyone)

My sister had a hole in the heart when she was young. She had to attend appointments for it up to age 8/9. Our grandparents weren’t told about it. My sister herself didn’t know about it at the time.

If they’re good friends then they get the. Writing the doubt and you should talk to them

If you have known them that long, then I don't see why they would lie to you about something like this.

They probably felt they could confide in you, knowing what you had been through.

There are so many reasons why they wouldn't have felt comfortable telling the grandparents.
They might have wanted to avoid worrying them, or they might have felt they would be bombarded with unwanted stress from them.

I would see what happens now, when the grandparents speak to the parents and say that you mentioned a heart condition.
That will determine everything.

It seems like a very random specific thing to lie about. I think it’s more likely that the grandparents don’t know. Or that the condition resolved or was treated so the child no longer has it. I would have thought you would have had regular conversations about it though as you both have children with heart conditions.

My youngest DC had a heart murmur and I was worried sick about it. By about 10 he went in for something else and listened to his heart. I told the doctor he had a heart murmur and he said no, not anymore he doesn't. It had somehow healed itself.

Yes. And if they then discovered it wasn’t a problem they might have felt too unkind to tell you as they knew you were still facing the issue.

I think it’s too hasty to conclude they lied. Lots of things could explain it.