Friends lied to us

[QuirkyPearlSwan]

So me and my husband made friends with another couple at school when picking up kids over ten years ago we became really goods mate. All the kids got along so everything was brilliant ( holidays, days out, nights out). We have 2 kids 1 child that has a serve heart condition which has led him to have several surgery’s in his life with still more to come in following years. as friends they knew about my child health.

Friends they went on to have another child which when baby was born they told me that she has a heart condition so we offered help and support and advise to them (I did find it strange that when they told use they didn’t seem to bothered with the news)
so today I got a shock when grandparents of child picked up other kids from school as the child was in hospital and when I asked how heart condition is they said she not got a heart condition

so now I’m confused to why they lied to use when they no what it as been like for use and all the worry we have been through and still are.

I feel angry I am glad her daughter ok but feel like how can they been friends with us with a big lie like that

This. ^ I wouldn't necessarily assume they lied right off the bat. How recently have your friends mentioned anything about the heart condition? My grandson was diagnosed with a hole in his heart which fixed itself by the time he was 3 or 4- but your friends Child could still be being monitored though.

It could be also done to further empathise with your own situation? I don’t know but would have to speak to them about it if I were you.

can you just ask them? if they are friends they will explain. if they struggle to explain then you have your answer - they are liars and not worth hanging out with.

My daughter was born with a hole in her heart, the last scan was two years ago and the next is next year, she is 5 now. They expect it to close by the next scan. So, if you asked my brother or my BIL and SIL, they would say "LittleKatie? no, she doesn´t have a heart condition". We don´t talk about it, it´s not that she is receiving treatment or anything.

The child may have had a asd, vsd or a simple pda which resolved. So no lie.

My parents don’t know my children’s medical history and their memory for things isn’t reliable either. I wouldn’t immediately assume your friends have lied.

Not everyone tells everyone everything, so I wouldn’t assume it’s a lie, they may have just not wanted to worry the grandparents.
The Grandparents may have forgotten the information. I have a chronic long term condition that was forgotten by some relatives, so it can happen.
I would just ask your friends about the heart condition again, there could be a simple explanation for it all.

You asked the grandparent that happened to be picking the other children 'how is Xs heart condition?' in the playground? Why would you ask them though, you see the parents often enough to ask them if you need to know
Do they mention this heart condition regularly now, or is it something that was an issue at the time but now is resolved? ' heart condition' covers a lot of things from v major to minor, you seem to be assuming it's as serious as your childs

I feel like we’re only getting half the tale here. You asked the grandparents “How is little Jane’s heart condition?”, they said “She doesn’t have a heart condition” - then what? You just said, “Oh, sorry; my mistake” and sloped off, and they were perfectly happy with that? No further discussion? You seem to be quite shocked (given you’ve assumed your friends are lying), but you just left it at that when they said there was no heart condition?

Obviously people react in different ways, but if someone asked my mother at the school dates how my niece was doing with her heart condition, she’d have an absolute panic - or at the very least would be checking you’d definitely got the right person. She certainly wouldn’t be shrugging and thinking “Hmm, that’s weird”.

You've heard nothing from your friends since this happened? Their parents were approached by someone at the school dates who told them their grandchild had a heart condition and all they said was “No, that’s not right” and they didn’t even think to mention it to the parent of said child?

Please distance yourself from these people.

I don't get why you'd assume the grandparent must have been telling the truth, ergo the parents must have been lying.

As well as the possibilities of their not having told the GPs (maybe they are 'worriers') or the GP brushing off an oddly nosy question, it may even be that the GPs refuse to accept that their DGD has 'something wrong with her'.

How often do you hear of older relatives simply refuse to believe that their DGC have autism - or that it even exists? "X doesn't have Y" can easily be said by people who actually mean "I don't believe that X really has Y".

Maybe it's different for me, being an adult, but I have a life-limiting illness that I will have until I die and I HATE people asking 'how it's going' or whatever - as if it's a personal-to-me version of commenting on something mundane and throwaway like that the sky is a bit cloudy today or it looks like rain. Especially as they wouldn't even have a clue about any basic explanation that I may give them.

I manage to live my life OK with it and to me, people drawing attention to it with pointless questions are treating it as though that's my primary identity and the first thing they think about when they think of me. "How's it going?" Erm, well, when I'm finally free of it, I'm sure somebody in my family will eventually let you know.

Bore off

going forward id trust nothing, but just take it with a ah ok so to speak until proven etc

I was close to my mum but did not tell her I was diagnosed with a heart murmur. Investigations revealed it was nothing to worry about. But it would have made my mum so anxious.
I also would not have told her if my DC had a heart murmur as she would have been an anxious mess.

Did they lie? Has the defect been resolved over time? Are the grandparents reliable narrators? My mum struggles to do detail so this is the kind of thing she might say -it’s not an age thing for clarity -20 or 30 years ago she was the same

I suppose it depends on what the heart condition is. My friend's daughter was born with a heart murmur. She had to have tests done over a few years, but in conclusion, the murmur wasn't/isn't anything. I'm pretty sure if someone asked her grandparents now "How's DGD heart condition?" they wouldn't even think about the murmur because it hasn't been an issue for over 10 years. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that my friend must have lied to me.

Either the child had a heart condition when she was born but it is now no longer monitored or the grandparents didn’t feel comfortable discussing it with you.

I live with a heart condition. My parents have been through it all with me but they’ve always tried to down play it as to not worry me or any of my relatives. My siblings didn’t fully understand my heart disease until they were in late teens. Sometimes people don’t want to discuss it with others or worry others.

I wouldn’t necessarily jump to the conclusion that the friends lied but I also wouldn’t ask grandparents about it. If you’re very close with this other couple then surely you’d ask them?

Maybe the grandparents didn’t know about it. now have gone home to find out why they weren’t told.

I have a few friends who's little ones we're born with heart murmurs and that was monitored very closely but by the age of 1 it has naturally resolved itself. So it could be something like that where they've obviously heard this and been very concerned as you would be, but family have maybe taken a lighter approach to it. Gp may not have fully understood it and just been like oh its all resolved that's great

If they have a habit of lying to you though then I'd put a bit of space in there.

Good Lord @QuirkyPearlSwan this is all a bit of a stretch isn’t it? The child could have been born with a heart condition which may have righted itself without intervention (this happened to one of my children). Surely if you’re such good friends then you’d know exactly what the condition is and how it has progressed/what it means for the child. Going by your post it’s like it hasn’t been discussed since and now you’re jumping to huge conclusions.

That’s what I suspect. The op got suspicious as it hadn’t been mentioned again and no ops. So she decided to sneakily check with the grandparents when she saw them. Not realising either they may not know or it could have righted itself. And she’s jumped to huge conclusions.

. . . . And possibly has caused upset within their family.
OP, you might be thinking your friends are liars, they could be thinking ‘why did she open her big mouth to the grandparents?’ And will no longer trust YOU.