To think that comments on Mumsnet are a good indicator of what people in real life think, but may not say.

[DonnaChang]

At a work event today, I ended up speaking with a woman who was regaling me with a story in which she clearly thought she was the victim, but actually came across as an ass.

As I was smiling and nodding civily, I started thinking that the responses she’d receive on Mumsnet would be quite blunt and she’d be told she’s a CF, and hard work.

Posters on here often counter with “would you say that to someone’s face?” when they think that responses are harsh but AIBU to think that while someone may not say it in real life, they’re probably thinking it?

I like to think or hope not. I don’t think mumsnet is particularly representative of the wider population, I will say that. So on that basis no.

Of course people are more open on MN, that's part of why it exists I would imagine.
I've never "got" those who say you wouldn't say it to their face and want to respond Well duh. But don't.
People really shouldn't post on AIBU when it should be in the Relationships and I wish MNHQ would do something about this. Or the OPs who whine about the responses should, as my dear dead old dad would say, think on.

Yep - a woman at a playgroup told me she thought she might look into being surrogate because all her births had been so lovely. There was a few things I would have said to her if she’d posted that on here. As it was I had to reign myself in some

Sadly, I agree. It might be polite but it's not a very honest way of behaving.

I think MN responses are a bit worse than what the average person is thinking tbh. Because let's face it, if we're posting our opinions on here it's because we're opinionated types who like our own opinions enough to think the world should have the benefit of them. In RL I reckon a lot of people aren't bothered enough to have much opinion on things that don't directly effect them. So when Emma is waffling on about how her mum won't do free childcare, in RL, her colleagues aren't even really listening half the time, let alone thinking she's entitled and her mum has a right to enjoy her retirement.

No, it’s a bit of a leftie feminist hell hole. A lot of women are not left wing, have lovely husbands and are quite happy with a feminine role. This place is a bit of an echo chamber and luckily doesn’t represent the real world.

I think it depends. MN would have you believe 95% of people voted Remain and then later for Corbyn in 2019.

The tarring and feathering approach to people having affairs is more extreme than you tend to see out in the wild.

But on parenting and manners and things where you really can’t say stuff to peoples faces I think what you read is probably more honest.

Lol. Amused at the thought of a world full of surrendered wives with their phones hidden inside their apron pockets, sneaking into the preserves larder to post leftie feminist things on MN while hubby's out at the Tory party whist drive.

People are more blunt on here.

But it’s generally an echo chamber of leftie ‘be kind’ types. Basically people who indulge in their own virtue signalling and make it a competitive sport to outdo each other on being ‘progressive’

YANBU

Similarly people wouldn’t react in the same way that they do on here.

On another thread about a 9yo blowing kisses to boys in her class, half the thread is saying she is sexually harassing the boys and one poster described a really quite funny story where she said “Think that’s bad, I used to flash the boys my knickers at primary school, didn’t do me harm I now have an electric mixing bowl and buy the naice ham from Waitrose so I’m living proof you can turn out ok” (I’m paraphrasing). So many posters were “WTF you are unhinged” or telling that poster how offended they are and “what has flashing knickers got to do with ham”. I did wonder are they REALLY that uptight IRL or do they rein it in and save the uptightness for MN

I think the demographic on here is a bit skewed, so it may not end up being the "average" opinion.

In general though yes I think people are more likely to be far blunter online (especially when anonymous) than they would be in real life. This can be good or bad depending on the topic.

I think people on the internet in general tend to say exactly what they truly think, because unlike in real life, there's absolutely no comebacks. Especially on MN where you're allowed to switch from one anonymous name to another.

That said, I don't believe half the MNetters dishing out 'advice' would take that same advice themselves.

A lot of people on here seem to post a 'learned' MN response.

Something left wing and feminist doesn’t equate to a hellhole unless you’re a right wing misogynist.

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You can be a woman - not a feminist, and be feminine, have a good life with a good family, and be right wing. It’s is possible. And there are a lot of us.

but this is an echo chamber which is pretty much full of bitterness and badly concealed envy.

It's a bit odd on here and getting odder. I'm fairly left wing myself in real life but even I can see that it's a very skewed demographic here just now, and the misandry drives me mental. If everyone in real life hated men and believed literally everything they do to be as unilaterally wrong as they do on here I don't think anyone would procreate/ have a relationship with a man/get married at all!

I think it's somewhere in the middle. In real life people are often too polite and don't say what they're really thinking. People on here can sometimes be too harsh, because it's just words on a screen and they're not thinking of the OP as a real person with feelings.

I desperately that MN does not reflect how real women think.

There are so many awful, vile comments on here.

If this site does reflect how many women think, then women - as a class - are terrible.

I agree op. I know I give a true opinion on here that I wouldn't say in real life. That's what I love about mumsnet - you get honest thoughts.

leftie feminist hell hole

I'm actually very surprised at the conservatism, with large and small C, that I see on mumsnet. It has helped me understand how people's own life experiences, fears, concerns and values can translate into their political positions, as you tend to see people here being more open and frank about how they judge the causes and effects of things in the world. It's always interesting to see a problem identified and people will draw different analyses of what causes it and the best social or political solution.

Because no joke, my starting position has been that being Tory verges on a mental health condition - the psychological roots of it being fear and an inability to empathise. So no virtue signalling from me, just a really different take on what would improve society. I am genuinely grateful to see how it works in other people's minds and understand more so I can be less judgemental.

(I'm not trying to be goady- really I'm not, you can check my other posts to see that I usually post in good faith!)

Having said that I also love that whatever our take on society, there are things we all agree on. Deadbeat dads should pay more and rhe system is skewed in their favour, for example. Abusive men sometimes trap women who can't then leave easily. Given that example, I question how someone could airily say they are "not a feminist" and yet come onto mumsnet often.

Doesn't mumsnet show that despite our many differences, we have, as a class of women, some fiercely important shared interests, and a need for change? That's all feminism is.

I agree.

Occasionally I am blunt on Mumsnet whereas in real life, I never am. It’s a relief sometimes to be able to just express your true opinion and show that you think someone is plain wrong in what they are saying.

Lefty feminist hell hole is hilarious! Why do you post then?! You must be part of that demonic group! And the avalanche of hair tearing out posts on the VAT / private school issue are not very lefty are they!

That issue gets people riled up on here but I don’t see that in real life and I have friends and family with kids at private school.

People on here seem a lot more obsessed with the idea that other people are jealous/envious of them than in real life. Which I always see as a sign of insecurity. People happy with their life and choices, who genuinely believe they have a great set up, don't typically spend their time side eyeing other people hoping for a sign they're envious. They just get on with enjoying what they're doing and if people disapprove or hold alternative views, they just assume the other person is on a different page or wrong. Outside of some SM 'hunning' I've never once heard a grown woman accuse another of jealousy as part of a theoretical discussion like some do on here. Its like children in a playground.

I liken it to people with road rage. If you met Derek in a supermarket he would be nice as pie but behind a wheel he is short tempered and full of rage. MN reminds of this, I would bet the vast majority of posters who just love to put the boot in would never have the audacity to say these things in RL.

Yes, I think so. That’s the case all over the internet, even though the degree or tone varies from one site to the next. But I think there’s something about being a woman and the expectation (in my circle, anyway) that you’ll be calm, sociable, even-handed etc etc that gets upended on here.

But it’s not. Politically, it’s pretty centrist, and while there are certainly feminist posters and an active feminism board, and obviously the site is woman-centric, I don’t think I’d generally characterise Mn as feminist. It’s certainly no echo chamber of my views. Which is why I value it. In my RL I know virtually no women who have been SAHMs, who have changed their name on marriage, who are financially dependent on a man. It’s valuable to see other people’s thought processes.

So for me it’s less ‘people saying what they secretly think’ than ‘people I don’t meet in RL (perhaps) saying what they think’.