To think that comments on Mumsnet are a good indicator of what people in real life think, but may not say.

[DonnaChang]

At a work event today, I ended up speaking with a woman who was regaling me with a story in which she clearly thought she was the victim, but actually came across as an ass.

As I was smiling and nodding civily, I started thinking that the responses she’d receive on Mumsnet would be quite blunt and she’d be told she’s a CF, and hard work.

Posters on here often counter with “would you say that to someone’s face?” when they think that responses are harsh but AIBU to think that while someone may not say it in real life, they’re probably thinking it?

Yes !! MN ( and social media too ) has given me a real insight into how horrible, nasty and jealous some people are. They walk amongst us with their vile spiteful views. Its made me more wary tbh

Well, only in the sense that people might be thinking things and not saying them but what they’re thinking will really vary. There are loads of Mumsnet norms that even lots of MN users think are completely crackers.

Really? You've not read some of the political threads then?

As for feminist, it's a woman led forum what do you expect.

In real life, people tend to be more diplomatic, or at least sort of tut along and nod. This is probably because saying, "Oh get a grip!" will result in the other party getting upset, or angry and things descending into a loud row.

Unless someone is nasty to me, I find it very difficult to be blunt, even if I'm asked for an honest opinion

Online, the worst that can happen is that someone will respond with a rude message. I think that SM is often used to blow off a bit of steam and people like to employ a bit of hyperbole, often for comic effect.

There is a small but vocal cohort who come to MN to try and disrupt those things they consider to be feminism.
The posters who see a better deal for women equating to a worse one for men and would rather the interests of men be prioritised. Those unable to differentiate between a discussion on the bad behaviour that is largely unique to men, and an attack on the men they know who are lovely. The ones who personally benefit from sexist inequality because they are protected and supported by a man and have an easier life as a result. And then the men themselves, like moths to a flame to every thread that indicates there may be a centring of women's interests over their own.
These posters complain constantly they hate the site, yet deliberately join threads where they will encounter the opinions that offend them. There are hundreds of threads about all sorts of life and parenting issues that are not remotely political, yet always they're on the ones where they can argue with the 'feminists'. Whereas in real life those of us acting in good faith would not join a Conservative party rally if we were Labour supporters or go to a steak house if we were vegan so we could complain about the food.

I hope not.
Many of the posts on here, especially of late have been pretty awful.
I particularly hate the 'pile on' nature.

I agree. I've said it on here for years. Mumsnet isn't 'worse' than real life, Mumsnet is more real than real life. The internet, anonymous spaces in particular show you the truth of people.

People are at their most honest when they believe they will face no consequences.

So all the awful things people say on the internet are 100% the complete truth of who they are.

People who are unkind online but nice in real life aren't nice in real life because they are nice people. They are nice because that's what serves them best and is least likely to have negative consequences for them.

Remove the consequences - remove the mask.

I’ve been endlessly dismayed by the number of things you can do, like salting your food for example, that will, according to MN, make some people secretly hate you with the fire of a thousand suns 🤣
Its a bit anxiety provoking at times.

Looking from the outside (Australia) I do sometimes wonder if one of the reasons Mumsnet took off is because English people find it difficult to be blunt. I think this is probably a good space to balance out that tendency (to not say it like it is very often).

I really appreciate the bluntness on here. I'm shockingly socially anxious so it helps me to think about what's going on for other people - all those mums-at-the-school-gate type threads. No, they don't hate me, they're just swamped by life. Or, on the other side of the equation, when I'm feeling too overwhelmed to make eye contact, they might conclude I'm being snobbish.

Feminine role 🤣Did you just beam in from the 1050s?

I love this typo.

Surely the difference here though is that she was just telling you rather than asking for your actual opinion?

People on here are actually asking AIBU? so people are going to say yes, you are if they think that. Equally, if someone asked me in real life AIBU I would be honest about it, of course I'd say it in a kind way and wouldnt be rude but I wouldnt tell someone they were reasonable if I thought they were being an arse. I'd probably say something like "yes, but if I imagine it from their side they may have thought xyz" etc

Looking from the outside (Australia) I do sometimes wonder if one of the reasons Mumsnet took off is because English people find it difficult to be blunt. I think this is probably a good space to balance out that tendency (to not say it like it is very often).

I've thought the same.

Looking from the outside (Australia) I do sometimes wonder if one of the reasons Mumsnet took off is because English people find it difficult to be blunt. I think this is probably a good space to balance out that tendency (to not say it like it is very often).

I would agree with this. My husband isnt British and he has often noticed and commented on how Brits go from super duper superficial politeness to telling people to fuck off in the blink of an eye. It's like there are only two modes - super polite and really bloody rude and not much in between. I think we struggle to be assertive which is of course the healthiest way to be and is why we oscillate from very polite to fuck you quickly.

Yikes 'happy with a feminine role'? I've been a SAHM so it's not coming from a place of envy but WTAF?

As an English person in Australia, I find Australians very polite and am cautious about unleashing the British cruel humour that I value so much. It's why I like unbuttoned moments with fellow Poms.

There are apparently 9 million registered users of MN, so to say that it's not the real world and that it's an echo chamber and people don't really think like that, etc is almost certainly not true.

I think that when people can say what they really think, as opposed to what they know is socially acceptable/kind/tactful/not going to lose them their friends/social life, the answers on MN are what you get.

In public, most people will err on the side of not offending or upsetting or being brutally honest, but let's face it, we all think many things every day that we know we can't say! Well, MN is where we CAN say them. So all the jealousy and judgement that isn't socially acceptable in RL is right here on MN.

Absolutely

Realistically, what would be the point to be brutally honest in real life? At best you end up having a big argument, which helps no one. No one wants to hear the truth, in many cases if you have to ask the question, you already know the answer.

I don't like the "man with a big job / SAHM" model. I'll gladly say so on here, but not IRL. So, I think some people are more honest on an anonymous forum, at least in relation to some issues

I hope people on mumsnet are bitchier than in real life (lighthearted)

Didn't mean to quote a post

Although there are plenty of raging misogynists on the Left.

that's a perfect example. You are entitled to your opinion.

Why would you ever blurt this out in real life? it's none of your business, it's not advice, it's an opinion.

So of course people are honest here, it's not needed, polite or useful in real life.

MN is great to basically know what some people are saying behind your back 😂

That’s a relief!

That’s interesting because when the Russian invasion of Ukraine started, I met a woman (again, at a work event) who was telling me that her daughter was born via a surrogate in Ukraine and they were thankful that they were able to export her before the war broke out. I asked about the mother and whether she was ok, and received a blank stare. Work environment so I just nodded and moved away when I got the opportunity, but others who were with us were telling her she was incredible and brave and so amazing.

Would love to have told her what I was thinking. I’m sure it wouldn’t have mattered a jot to her, but her worldview of surrogacy is based on what she hears people saying to her, not what they think* so she probably thinks everyone sees what she did as wonderful because that’s what she’s hearing.

*Not that I expect anyone to think the same as me on any topic, but I think surrogacy is quite a divisive topic.

A million times this.