to think a 7yo should be able to use knife and fork

[haveatye]

We try, but she refuses. Usually tired at dinner and a strop ensues if we try to insist.

Any tips? Do they teach them about it at school? I think seven is old enough to do this!

I’m not going to read the other replies because I know they’ll make me miserable.

DS is almost 6 and nowhere near competent with cutlery. I’m pretty sure he is dyspraxic (he’s waiting for an autism assessment and displays ADHD behaviours so another neurodivergence isn’t unlikely 😂). Not saying your daughter is, but she might be struggling for any number of reasons.

I have two choices with DS. I can either sit at the table and make life miserable for him at every meal by nagging (he already struggles with food) or I can give him cutlery, gently remind him to use it, and help when he’s struggling. I remember being in his position and being criticised and nagged. It feels shit. I try to encourage activities to develop fine motor skills and dexterity (play dough, games with small pieces, using tongs/tweezers to pick things up etc.) and assume he’ll get it when he’s developmentally ready.

I can eat perfectly well with cutlery now, and I have every faith your DD and my DS will when they are ready.

Having EDS tends to run in families. So I didn't demand that they also struggled in pain in the way I was made to do.

So depressing that people are still so oblivious to disabilities that they assume it's always a form of neglect to adapt for something that's utterly inconsequential for anybody else.

Do you eat meat? Then surely it needs cutting! My dc used cutlery from 3, as soon as they had the dexterity to push and saw the sausage (started easy)

It isn't the schools job to teach this

Our DC is dyspraxic and we had some private OT to help with hand strength. He started this OT at 6, using a knife properly was one of the most difficult and slow things. At 7, fork work and holding the food still for cutting was good but actual cutting messy.

Can she use a knife properly? My DS was the same for years at home, but he was OK when we went out. In fact, he had impeccable manners in restaurants or in other people's houses, and twice we were complimented by complete strangers on how polite he was. Just not so at home.

I would suggest a meal out as a treat, but make sure she knows beforehand that she needs to show you how nicely she can eat, and then you will arrange it.

If you are happy she CAN use cutlery properly when required, then encourage her to do it more at home, but it's not a hill to die on, as they say.

@PaintedPottery I was diagnosed at 26 so I can probably offer a few hints and tips.

@BagFullOfNoodles these look quite good, but they are not cheap.

https://nanasmanners.com/products/childrens-cutlery?variant=41361247666242

Mine is nearly 9 and would still rather just use a fork at home but uses cutlery properly when we are out 🙄 can you offer opportunities to develop knife skills by helping chop veg etc for meals?
Also really like the chocolate chopping game above, might play that myself!

@BagFullOfNoodles One of my adult sons chooses to use dessert cutlery when visiting.

It's slightly smaller/lighter than the normal cutlery but the knife seems to be almost as sharp.

I can't. Why is that sad? Why is that depressing? I probably have more qualifications than you

This. We bought a special set of children's cutlery for our granddaughter, for when she ate with us. It's good quality stainless steel, with a pattern on the handles. She found it easier to manipulate than an adult version.

Is it just me that doesn't recall ever actively teaching their dc to use a knife and fork? I find this thread weirdly fascinating as all the angst about teaching them to use cutlery I just don't identify with at all.

Elder two dc are 16 and 14. They both use cutlery correctly (when needed). I have absolutely zero recollection of when or how this ocurred 😂

Youngest is 7. Uses a fork for every meal but most often in a 'scooping' manner with his right hand. He'll use his knife and fork correctly to cut things but still struggles with a big lump of meat like a chop or chicken breast - so usually we cut his into strips when plating up so he just needs to cut the strips into bite size chunks before eating. We do the same at restaurants if needed and I assume this will naturally stop at some time (as it clearly has with 14 and 16 year olds although I have no memory of when!).

We eat out plenty, in some pub-grub and some higher end places and have always been complemented on the dc's table manners (but I think this goes far beyond just holding a knife and fork correctly).

I've done my fair share of parenting but coming across a thread like this and feeling like you've missed some essential/huge part of teaching your dc something is a very odd feeling! I just don't feel like it's ever been on my radar.

Just serve food that needs cutting.

My 9yo can use them fine, my 13 yo can but just doesn't, it's ridiculous she uses just a fork in her right hand most of the time. 7 yo should be physically able to but is still quite young, just keep practicing and reminding (this is what we do with ours mind you she just isn't that bothered!). Do you have small cutlery sets? Like not baby ones just smaller than normal, maybe he's struggling because the cutlery feels big or heavy?

Also how is he with stuff like holding a pencil, co-ordination generally? Dyspraxia can cause difficulties with using a knife and fork (it's something we considered with my eldest but she doesn't fit that for anything else)

My 7 year old is the same but its because he refuses to use it not that he doesn't know how. I don't remember actively teaching him to use a knife but he can when he feels like it. e.g. when cutting up chocolate pancakes or food he likes.

If anything his table manner are worse now being at school as they dont monitor them at school. The amount of times I have to remind him to use a knife and fork is insane each meal.

I remember going to a wedding with a boyfriend as a teenager. Probably my first ever adult outing. Sitting at the table and realising that my boyfriend who came from a much 'posher' family than I, had absolutely no table manners. Chewed with his mouth open, talking with food in his mouth, not a clue how to use his cutlery. I was mortified, so embarrassed I didn't know where to look.

I can't be offended by a child using a fork at home so long as it's not eaten in a messy/disgusting way. In fact I think I probably just use a fork 70% of the time. My children's school are big on knives and forks though so I think some schools do teach it.

But how does she cut up her food?
I'm not sure there is a 'right hand' to hold the fork. I hold mine in my left when cutting and if using the knife to put food on my fork, but if not using a knife I hold it in my right hand.
I don't like the way my kids cut up their food - I guess I'm using an old fashioned way and I think they copied their peers. It annoys me though, but they are old enough to make their own decisions.

In Mediterranean countries you only use your fork for 95% of the meals. I didn’t start using knives regularly until I became an adult and moved to Northern Europe. I am masterful with a fork - can cut food, pile peas on top of it without them falling between plate and mouth, gather sauces, etc. Unless I’m at a “proper” event where everyone will be using knife and fork, I just don’t even touch the knife.

Thinking back of when we were young, perhaps the only food that warranted bringing the knives out was steak? Everything that needed cutting would be cut prior to commencing the meal. We don’t bite from eg bigger pieces of chicken, we just pre-cut it all before sitting down.

what "Mediterranean country" only use a fork? You are just making that up 😂
Or you are massively exaggerating your own experience.

We do use knives, thanks.

there is no right or wrong hand to hold a fork

or a knife for that matter

I'd expect a 7yo with no developmental issues to have a fairly functional use of knife and fork if they've been a normal feature of family life. They might need help with some specific circumstances such as cutting thicker meat like a pork chop.

DS 11 finds cutlery awkward due to dyslexia and hypermobility. He's functional, but can still need occasional help.

DS 13 struggles, he also has sensory processing issues, dyspraxia and autism. A difficult combination. He's not receptive to feedback when hungry, and not receptive to feedback out of context. He's very sensitive to particular cutlery (tried a variety of easy grip), struggles to adjust his grip to a more efficient style because his hands tire and hurt easily and isn't motivated to fanny about with ettiquette when it gets in the way of inserting food into his mouth. That OT visit was the one time he went into awkward mode at an appointment with professionals.
I go into pick my battles and nudge where there's little footholes mode which is better than turning every meal into a battle zone.
It's not for want of trying and quite honestly I don't want to combine him and food anywhere other than the kitchen table because of the mess and added difficulties in balancing elsewhere.

We did do baby led weaning, but cutlery was involved from early on as was natural for the foods eaten. They've had appropriately sized cutlery through childhood. They've just got co-ordination and grip issues significantly delaying the process.

It doesn't matter which hand she holds her knife and fork, but you need to teach her how to cut her food.

As for Mediterranean countries not using a knife and fork...sorry I don't believe you. At all. Americans don't use a knife.

My brother and I both hold our cutlery in the wrong hands, too. Nobody noticed until a family holiday when I was about 20; DB and I were sitting side by side at dinner (we sat opposite each other for dinner at home) and that's when my mum noticed we both did it.

I'm dyspraxic and have hypermobile EDS though, so I have garbage strength/grip/dexterity. I need the strength of my dominant hand to hold my food steady with the fork, and the knife works just fine in my left.

I honestly don't give it a single thought and if anyone else has noticed over the years, they haven't said anything.

What on earth have qualifications got to do with having decent table manners?!! This post wins the gold medal🏅