AIBU or is screen time ruining our kids?

[newbienel]

I just got back from a holiday in Mallorca with my family and I cannot comprehend what I saw when I was there. So many kids being pushed around in their buggy with big screens in front of their faces- iPads or phones, it was so shocking. Little kids trailing behind their parents watching something on an iPhone.

I was especially shocked about was the amount of screens being used by parents at the restaurants. Every night I saw families plonking their kids (some as young as 10 or 11 months old) in front of screens at the table, not paying any attention to them, or talking to them much. I also have to say it was mostly Uk families I saw doing this, not so many German families or Dutch.

What are we doing to this next generation? AIBU to think this is just getting out of hand and our kids will be addicted and not well adjusted? I can understand some screen time is ok, especially when parents need a break, but it just seemed out of hand..

Yep. Just back from the same area and I was shocked with the amount of kids on tablets and mobile phones! At dinner time, sitting watching cartoons and strange YouTube videos. It’s something I have never done with my kids. We don’t have screen time at dinner time. I will admit that they do have too much screen time and in the last 2 weeks we’ve reduced this , but never would encourage tablets at dinner or when we were at the mini disco etc.

My child has ADHD and will not physically sit down in a restaurant to eat unless he has something to redirect his focus (ie toys or his iPad) I have absolutely no shame in it and quite frankly couldn't care less what other parents do to make holidays that little bit easier.

You might look my little boy watching him iPad at the table and think I'm a bad mother who lets her child have screen time 24/7, when in fact - outside of meal times he barley watches something for longer than 5 minutes!

You can't make judgements based on small snippets you see, especially on holidays when everyone's out of their regular routine.

Agree. We can no longer pretend it’s ‘educational’ or ‘just like gameboys 30 years ago’. Screens are destroying our kids mental health and ruining their attention spans.

What I’ve learned with my own kids is that they can’t miss what they’ve never known. Judge away and call me strict but my 5 year old has never been on a tablet/phone, never drank Cola or any fizzy, never eaten e-number sweets or eaten mainly beige freezer food. She has no concept they really exist, her life just doesn’t involve them.

I wonder this.

If screens are ‘great to regulate’ then why was ND easier to mask or control years ago when screens didn’t exist?

It’s also hard to separate out whether screens have a calming effect or whether it’s more like smoking - of course addicts are calm when they get their hit. But it actually causes the withdrawal symptoms afterwards

What I’ve learned with my own kids is that they can’t miss what they’ve never known. Judge away and call me strict but my 5 year old has never been on a tablet/phone, never drank Cola or any fizzy, never eaten e-number sweets or eaten mainly beige freezer food. She has no concept they really exist, her life just doesn’t involve them.

I had a friend just like this in school, whose mum did this from nursery all the way up to high school. She developed a severe binge-eating disorder in her teens. Whenever we went on a school trip, she would spend her entire pocket money on junk food. Think an entire carrier bag full of crisps, chocolate bars, gummy sweets, can of soda etc. Then she would eat the entire thing in one sitting in her bunk bed and remove all the evidence before she went home so her mum can't find out. She never had any boyfriends because nobody wanted to date the girl who was not allowed to watch TV and had zero idea knowledge about pop culture or music.

She went to develop various MH problems around following rules (possibly OCD?) It was clearly related to the way her mum brought her up. Everything was black and white, once she decided on something, everyone must follow the plan to the tiniest detail or she would not participate. She definitely didn't have the most normal or happy life and I wouldn't wish that on my child in any way.

I am quite torn on this. I do hate it, think screens are awful for us (grown ups included!!) and it is depressing looking around at a sea of zombie people in a restaurant etc.

I have always beem quite strict on screens and mine have minimal amounts even now, at early primary age.

But so much of this discussion devolves into "well i just taught mine how to behave and so am an excellent parent". And i really feel this depends on the child! Of my two, they have been taken out for meals at least weekly their whole lives, never with screens and expected to behave and interact.

One is really very good and will sit nicely for ages, especially with an activity book or similar. The other is...quite the oppositr. Has rarely sat still in whole life. Meals out are still a challenge.

I love eating out and hate screens, so i persevere. But what if i had multiple like my wild one? Or was less anti screen (/stubborn!)? Or was, indeed, on holiday and fancied a break for once??

Yeah, that’s always the refrain.

Isn’t it just on this site! Yet in reality when I look around the people I know, those who were brought up with parents who were strict about sweets and screens are healthy eaters and not overly interested in TV as adults. (That includes me and my brother.)

You don't even need to be strict, just instill that sweets are treats for occasional use and screens are used in moderation. That's not strict, just sensible.

Our 14yo still has Christmas chocolate in his room. Never been not allowed, just taught chocolate is a treat.

I have taught that chocolate isn’t a treat. Food is food. Chocolate is a sometimes food. My daughter is completely ambivalent about it - enjoys it but never asks for it and often doesn’t bother with it at parties etc.
my husband grew up in a strict household and as soon as he had his first job went mad for takeaways etc and to this day now has emotional attachments to food. He also grew up in a “it’s wasteful not to clear the plate” so struggles with his weight.

I also think everything in moderation. My almost 4 year old sits and plays memory and fine motor skill games on my phone on the way to nursery. I couldn’t give a fuck if a stranger then judged me for that. She takes that bus two times a day, five days a week for 51 weeks a year, for three years. After 1500 bus journeys, I’m pretty comfortable with her using a screen a few times a week to play some games. They have tablets at her nursery for occasional use too.

I agree entirely. And you can’t raise a question about a correlation without being shouted down by the “how very DARE you!!qp1” mob. I get it, no one likes to be told that parents’ actions have been a net negative for a child, but we need to figure it out.

And it’s not straightforward- 5 mins daily on Times Tables Rockstar is very different from an unlimited diet of TikTok. There’s also no quality control on social media - it’s as easy to watch utter mind rotting drivel as it is a section on whales from a Blue Planet episode.

My worry is that excessive screentime appears to be associated with SEN. It’s a chicken and egg situation, no doubt, but I also know that (from professional experience) the young human mind needs language to process thoughts and then to learn and make memories. Anything that interferes with acquiring a first language (you need to see a human face to see mouth movement, for example) is going to also interfere with a child’s ability to talk, make friends, interact and learn about the world and its social rules. When I see babies and toddlers glued to a screen, I think about what is being missed - real interaction and the brain development that goes with it.

Haven’t RTFT but I do absolutely judge parents that do this. I think it’s a really serious issue, and people will only do it if it’s socially acceptable.

Everywhere I go where there are children I see this. Including Dad in a pub having pints with his mates while his 2 year old is slumped against him, clearly tired and watching something on a phone screen. I absolutely hate it and I think it’s going to be very damaging to our kids.

It's not just that screens may have a detrimental effect on us mentally and emotionally, it's also that they replace other extremely important activities.

We need to move and be active. It's well known how movement is beneficial for us and exercise can benefit and kids and adults by regulating their stress and cortisol levels and releasing endorphins.
How many kids are now sedentary instead of running around, climbing trees, skimming stones and falling off logs?

What about chores? Lots of people don't expect their dc to do chores but chores help children to feel capable, learn responsibility and have higher self esteem.

And reading? Reading is not only entertaining but helps children to reduce stress and develop emotional awareness and empathy. This is disturbingly lacking in humanity now with social media manipulating our emotions and reducing empathy.

We really need to include all these things for a child to be healthy but instead, many are just absorbed by screens for dangerously long times without any balance.

YANBU. I’m not against some screen use, particularly during travel, but I am really concern children aren’t being talked to enough, or honestly just being bored sometimes.

Was it easier to mask or control? Weren't children just classed as being naughty or virtually hidden away by parents?
It's just now we understand more now (or should do), that's why more adults are getting diagnosed with learning difficulties.

We are not a screen heavy family by any stretch but this thread has inspired me to do a screen free day. Anyone else?

100% this was our experience on an all inclusive TUI holiday last year (so all British families). Every meal, by the pool. Even at the snack bar. DH and I were both genuinely shocked.

My DS1 has ADHD and he’s hard work in restaurants, my youngest will sit and colour quietly but DS1 has to be engaged with 110%, chatting, drawing (I do let him do a “how to draw” on Youtube), playing top trumps. He can’t read in most restaurants as it’s too noisy. If we don’t do this, he starts playing up, and at 9 he looks far too old to be doing that.

But we don’t give him a screen (unless how to draw as mentioned) because he needs to learn, he really does. Whether it’s helping or not, I don’t know, but I’m convinced it’s a better option than giving screens instead.

Unfortunately the all food is equal message does not work with all children. My SIL has this approach and one child is ambivalent about treats/junk (whatever you want to name it) and the other gorges on it at any given opportunity. They have a pretty healthy diets themselves so lead by example but if the child knows it is there, they will finish it. They will also go crazy at parties. Like PP, we have taught our children some foods taste amazing but are not necessarily the best way to nourish our bodies and should be enjoyed in smaller amounts.

Phones seem to be affecting everyone not just children.

The sad part is that parents think it is an easy way out. When in fact, it makes things so much harder in the long run.

So many kids can't focus anymore and it's so clear to see why that is!

I do screen free weeks all the time. I just "accidentally" lose the TV remote. It's not even for the kids but also for me. We come up with so many new activities when we don't have the TV.

I don’t get “it’s just like tv or records” comments.
Who tf was giving their toddler a tv to pull around in front of them in 1970?

This is very true. Read book called Focus by Johann Hari. He explains all this. They’re really not good for us and even worse for developing brains. Social media in particular is very damaging to under 16s

I think people want to kid themselves that it is ok. They’re busy, they want some down time, they give their kid a screen. It isn’t poison, I don’t think there is a need for a complete ban for example but it shouldn’t be the norm or the go to. Seeing small children being pushed around in a pushchair with their nose pressed up against an iPad when they could be happily just looking at the world around them does break my heart.