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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can he treat me like this?

66 replies

Youcantfly · 13/06/2024 10:49

My DP of 2 years has been depressed for around a year due to multiple factors in his life. He doesn’t really have many friends or a strong support network. He also won’t seek professional help.

I am understanding and am constantly trying to be there for him and help him by taking some weight off of his shoulders. I’ve tried to help him with his money worries by selling his things for him as he just couldn’t get round to it himself. He lent him some money to tide him over. I cook for him and look after him when he does visit or I visit him. I am always there for him if he needs me, in any way. I’ve taken days off work to be there for him when he’s been unwell. However I am a single parent so it’s tough going being there for everyone.

The problem is, he is constantly hot and cold with me. Mostly cold. Will break promises to see me or call me on a regular basis. He often seems in a mood with me for no reason and will ignore me for a day or give me one word replies. He becomes easily angry and explosive and I have to think about what I’m going to say so it doesn’t set him off.

He will complain that no-one is ever there for him and he has to do it all himself. Obviously this hurts me as I am always there for him and offering and doing things for him. He tells me we are not a team as I’m not really there for him.

If I mention a need I have, he gets angry and tells me I’m too needy and life isn’t all about me. These needs are mostly asking for some affection and for him to be reliable and only promise what he can actually deliver.

I know he has depression but I just feel sad that I’m being treated this way and allowing it purely because he had a mental health issue.

AIBU to expect him to treat me better despite the depression?

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 13/06/2024 10:51

You need to stop. You are enabling him. Do you honestly feel loved and respected, or do you feel like a staff member awaiting a disciplinary meeting? He is not a partner. He isn’t a friend. This man is a blood-sucking, entitled parasite and you need to get your money back and bin him. *Expect guilt trips, but assure yourself that he has absolutely chosen his path in life.

Original poster
Youcantfly · 13/06/2024 10:52

I meant to put
HOW can he treat me like this?

OP posts:
MightyGoldBear · 13/06/2024 10:52

I have been depressed too and managed not to take it out on anyone else. I think there is two separate issues. Simply put he treats you like that because he wants to.

I would re assess if this relationship Is working for you. Ultimately he is the only one that can help himself.

Goawayquickly · 13/06/2024 10:52

He can treat you however he pleases, you, however don't have to put up with it.

His mental health issues aren't your responsibility and this doesn't sound like a fulfilling relationship in any way.

You can do better.

Beautifulbythebay · 13/06/2024 10:52

Are you a therapist? If not only a professional can help him. If he won't seek help - I mean why would he with you at his beck and call?. Step back for YOUR mh.. Ime fine line between depression and being a twat...

weescotlass · 13/06/2024 10:53

Does the man have any positives?

Beautifulbythebay · 13/06/2024 10:53

Should add exh had depression and wasn't able to do school runs or shopping.. Managed the pub and golf course OK though.
Twat.

Original poster
Youcantfly · 13/06/2024 10:53

Fraaahnces · 13/06/2024 10:51

You need to stop. You are enabling him. Do you honestly feel loved and respected, or do you feel like a staff member awaiting a disciplinary meeting? He is not a partner. He isn’t a friend. This man is a blood-sucking, entitled parasite and you need to get your money back and bin him. *Expect guilt trips, but assure yourself that he has absolutely chosen his path in life.

No I don’t feel loved or respected any longer by him.

He was amazing before the depression but it’s been a year now and it’s getting me down big time.

OP posts:
GreatMintPeer · 13/06/2024 10:54

I think you should seek counselling of some kind first of all. This treatment in your relationship is likely taking quite a toll on your mental health too. I think you’re absolutely right to express your needs to him, this level of communication is essential to maintain a healthy relationship. If you find that you’re putting far more into it than you’re getting out, I’d suggest having a serious conversation with him about it. Mental health can be an incredibly debilitating thing, but so can an unhealthy and unkind relationship. Think about what makes you happy too.

Porageeater · 13/06/2024 10:56

What do you get out of this relationship OP?

I don’t think depression really has anything to do with it.

Sunnysummer24 · 13/06/2024 10:58

Youcantfly · 13/06/2024 10:52

I meant to put
HOW can he treat me like this?

Because you let him.

Original poster
Youcantfly · 13/06/2024 10:59

GreatMintPeer · 13/06/2024 10:54

I think you should seek counselling of some kind first of all. This treatment in your relationship is likely taking quite a toll on your mental health too. I think you’re absolutely right to express your needs to him, this level of communication is essential to maintain a healthy relationship. If you find that you’re putting far more into it than you’re getting out, I’d suggest having a serious conversation with him about it. Mental health can be an incredibly debilitating thing, but so can an unhealthy and unkind relationship. Think about what makes you happy too.

You’re absolutely right, it is really taking its toll on my MH and my focus is lacking and I think about our relationship so much more than is healthy.

I struggle to raise any issues I am having as he gets so annoyed as he sees his negative situation as being superior to my needs and wants. He will get frustrated with me if I ask anything of him and then give me the silent treatment and cold shoulder for a while. So I hardly ever bother any longer.

OP posts:
Jeezitneverends · 13/06/2024 10:59

He absolutely can treat you like this….if you let him…

UghFletcher · 13/06/2024 10:59

Throw this one back in the sea OP

He treats you like this because he wants to. You are not responsible for his MH. Plenty of people have depression and don't take it out on others, it's just him being a shitty person.

Summerhillsquare · 13/06/2024 11:00

You can't change someone's behaviour, you can however change yours, and stop putting up with it. He's bullying you, and bullies only stop when you stand up to them.

Singleandproud · 13/06/2024 11:01

He is sucking your annual leave, time, energy and emotional reserves that should be directed to your child.

Regardless of health issues, physical or mental health he is an adult and responsible for his actions and his own wellbeing. He will treat you how you allow him to.

if and when you break up with him expect him to tell you you are making him suicidal, it's very common and the correct response is to report him to the police for a welfare check, not to take him back.

Starmonkeys · 13/06/2024 11:01

I mean this in the nicest way possible, he needs to help himself before he is ready for a relationship.

You are basically his mother right now.

You have only been together 2 years but say he has been like this for a year. That’s 50% of your relationship being in misery.

He is taking advantage of you and you are letting him.

I would leave personally. I know what it’s like to have anxiety and depression but would never treat DH this way!

MadameOunce · 13/06/2024 11:02

Stop helping him. He has to sort himself out. You can still see him but you can’t fix him. Put all that attention onto YOU! Go out and enjoy things you like to do. Either he’ll step up and chase after you and join you or he won’t. You can never fix anyone.

Blarneytalk · 13/06/2024 11:02

He can and does treat you like this, what are going to do about it?

TimeForTeaAndG · 13/06/2024 11:08

You have kid(s). Prioritise them and their time. He can hire a cleaner, a therapist, see the doctor etc if he needs them. You are not there to be his emotional punching bag.

Drop the rope. Be unavailable. If he's truly grateful for your assistance he will be understanding that you have other responsibilities. I suspect he will whine and complain that you aren't doing what he wants.

Don't spend another year with this misery.

yellowsmileyface · 13/06/2024 11:10

He's sounds emotionally abusive and he's got you walking on eggshells. Depression may be an explanation but it certainly isn't an excuse.

You've only been with him 2 years and half of that time has been like this?

You really deserve better. I know you probably hold out hope of things getting back to how they were, but you know he's not doing anything proactive to get better, so how is that going to happen?

I've struggled with depression myself so I do have sympathy for others that struggle with it. At the same time, I have no patience or tolerance for people who won't help themselves.

Original poster
Youcantfly · 13/06/2024 11:11

So the general consensus is that he’s treating me badly because he wants to and really it hasn’t got much to do with his depression.

I feel so alone in this relationship already that ending it wouldn’t really feel so much different other than the worry of ‘am I doing enough for him?’

Someone asked what I get out of the relationship and honestly, I can’t think of anything right now. He’s nothing like the person I met, he does nothing for me. He sees him driving to my home to see me as him putting into the relationship.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 13/06/2024 11:12

To be harsh, you aren't doing him any favours. Get tough, put in ultimatums, so he is forced to get help. You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep him warm and that's what you are doing. This will change you as a person and how you parent. Love for a partner shouldn't be unconditional, only for your children.

"My DP of 2 years has been depressed for around a year due to multiple factors in his life."
He needs specific counselling if he's facing disability, or had a major loss, or been a victim of violent crime etc.

PashaMinaMio · 13/06/2024 11:13

Youcantfly · 13/06/2024 10:52

I meant to put
HOW can he treat me like this?

He treats you like this because YOU allow him to.

I’m afraid your relationship is doomed. One day you will look back and think why the fk did I give up so much of my life to that waster?

Been there! Got the cap and tee-shirt.

OnceICaughtACold · 13/06/2024 11:14

He also won’t seek professional help.

This is all I needed to read. It is entirely unfair of him to claim he needs ANY help due to his depression if he won’t seek professional help. If he was totally in denial of being depressed at all, or if he was doing all the right things and still struggling, that could be different.

Honestly, the answer to your subject line though is: because you let him. You need to walk away, this man is not your partner, he’s only taking from you.

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