Can he treat me like this?

[Youcantfly]

My DP of 2 years has been depressed for around a year due to multiple factors in his life. He doesn’t really have many friends or a strong support network. He also won’t seek professional help.

I am understanding and am constantly trying to be there for him and help him by taking some weight off of his shoulders. I’ve tried to help him with his money worries by selling his things for him as he just couldn’t get round to it himself. He lent him some money to tide him over. I cook for him and look after him when he does visit or I visit him. I am always there for him if he needs me, in any way. I’ve taken days off work to be there for him when he’s been unwell. However I am a single parent so it’s tough going being there for everyone.

The problem is, he is constantly hot and cold with me. Mostly cold. Will break promises to see me or call me on a regular basis. He often seems in a mood with me for no reason and will ignore me for a day or give me one word replies. He becomes easily angry and explosive and I have to think about what I’m going to say so it doesn’t set him off.

He will complain that no-one is ever there for him and he has to do it all himself. Obviously this hurts me as I am always there for him and offering and doing things for him. He tells me we are not a team as I’m not really there for him.

If I mention a need I have, he gets angry and tells me I’m too needy and life isn’t all about me. These needs are mostly asking for some affection and for him to be reliable and only promise what he can actually deliver.

I know he has depression but I just feel sad that I’m being treated this way and allowing it purely because he had a mental health issue.

AIBU to expect him to treat me better despite the depression?

Who diagnosed his depression?

To be brutal, he can treat you like this because you're allowing it.

The world is full of parasites who will just use and drain everyone around them, you can put your heart and soul into pleasing them, but its never ever enough. He sounds like one of those people.

We always end up confused and wondering "How can they treat me like this?" because we would never do that to someone, but unfortunately not everyone has the same morals and values

We all suffer with our MH at some point in our lives, we dont all use it as a free pass to treat people like shit. It's absolutely no excuse.

You've been together for only two years. You say he's been like this for one year. So for the first year he was ok, then these behaviours started creeping in? From here it looks like you're caught up in a coercive and controlling relationship and he's just using his MH to make you feel sorry for him so you dont leave him

You mention you're a single parent. Dont you think your time energy money and efforts would be better spent with your kid(s) than this miserable ungrateful man-child who is just draining the life out of you and clearly doesnt make you happy?

Being a single parent and concentrating on your kids work and being a good mum is a much happier life to live than your current situation.. trust me I've been there :)

Get rid of this weight from your shoulders, you cant help him, only a professional can. Give yourself time to heal, and look forward to a much less stressful life in the near future xx

You can’t fix someone, OP.

You running yourself ragged for someone who doesn’t value you. Raise your bar, accept you deserve better and throw this one back in the sea.

You will feel so much happier and lighter without him.

There's no reason to analyse him, just dump him. Work on your standards and self esteem before even considering dating anyone again.
Depression is no reason for anyone to act like a dick. Silent treatment is abuse. Abusive males pretend to be nice long enough to reel in a new victim.
Focus on your kids and only date if the man enhances your life and makes it fun. That's the entire point.

You don't owe him a relationship and it's not ok for him to treat you badly just because he's having a hard time atm.

Someone asked what I get out of the relationship and honestly, I can’t think of anything right now

Can you step back from the sense of responsibility you feel for him and his MH for just a second OP and consider why on earth you would stay with someone who brings absolutely nothing positive to your life? It's a really easy position to end up in because manipulative people are very good at making you feel responsible for them and guilty for 'not supporting them enough' so you don't realise how effectively your needs have been sidelined, but it's glaringly obvious to every poster on this thread that this relationship is horrifically unbalanced in his favour.

A year of him behaving like this, whilst refusing to access any professional or constructive help, is more than enough, you have done enough. Walk away now and feel the weight lift from your shoulders, you've spent a year putting him first and it hasn't helped, time to save yourself before he drags you down with him

Put his depression to one side, how would you feel if he treated you like he does then?

You wouldn't stand for it would you, there's your answer

Mental health is tough but it's no excuse for being an entitled won't do any self help needy wotsit....

How much does he owe you and what is the chance of getting that back?

You may have to write it off, but I would end the relationship as it sounds utterly miserable.

He sounds like an energy vampire.
You'd be better off finishing with him if all he does is drain you.
You will breathe a big sigh of relief when it's over and be able to focus on yourself instead of putting all your time and effort into him.

If you don't have kids with him, then don't get pregnant and to start with stop enabling him and tell him this isn't on if he doesn't change then move on.

I feel so alone in this relationship already that ending it wouldn’t really feel so much different other than the worry of ‘am I doing enough for him?’

I sincerely hope your child /children aren’t old enough to consciously remember just how much time and energy you’ve squandered on a man you barely know. Literally stealing from their childhoods. It’s not as if he brings anything to your life, either.

Dump him and find some strategies to help you not be such a doormat ever again.

OP dump him.

he is giving you nothing.

Get money back, just lie about why you need it. Get your stuff from his. Then dump and block.

with all that new money and energy you’ll have get a therapist to support you staying strong and working WHY you have put up with this shit for a year.

People will treat them how you let them.
He isn't being a good partner. You don't need permission to cool things off. I get that mental health issues take their toll on a person but it's not an excuse to make your partner miserable too.
If you don't feel ready to end things completely, at least stop being so available. You have dc to think about as well. If you stop making him your priority he may well get his act together.

Just realised you also said in OP you are a single parent. Jesus OP ditch him and focus on your kid / kids

This is the comment I was looking for. Spot on.

It’s quite shocking what OP is allowing as a single parent , you would think she has enough to focus on instead of wasting her time on this man . I hope the children don’t witness any of this.

How old are your kids, OP? What do they think of him? do they live full-time with you?

He's treating you appallingly and has no intention of changing his behaviour or helping himself. He does not deserve a partner. My DH has really severe depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder but would never ever treat me with this contempt or disrespect. His illness is no excuse. And you can't help him anyway, you're just dragging yourself down.
Please just stop seeing him and doing things for him. He knows there is help out there and maybe if your not there he will finally choose to take it. Or not. But you must get on with your life and focus on you and your kids.

Why are you wasting your life on this he's not only depressing but he's horrible to you. LTB!! Save your children from misery man! Live your life and be free and happy!

I know this idea seems rare but put your children first, try putting your energy into them instead

Depressed my arse

he’s a bully and a control freak

I’ve taken days off work to be there for him when he’s been unwell. However I am a single parent so it’s tough going being there for everyone.

This is absurd, most sensible parents reserve sick days for themselves and their kids. If you’re taking sick days off for him too that is massively irresponsible and also disrespectful to your workplace. When you call in sick for him do you tell them it’s not for you and it’s actually for your boyfriend that doesn’t even live with you?

And btw, you’re not supposed to be there “for everyone”, you are meant to be there for your children.

I mean this in the best way possible but stop being a doormat and focus on your children. They are the only victims in this.

Finish things with him op. Two years isn't a lifetime of memories it's still early days as far as relationships go. He isn't bringing anything positive or valuable to your life in fact he's draining your energy reserves. You have children to focus on. Dump him.

I was about to ask. What is he doing to help himself. But I see he won’t.
Get rid. I agree, he’s treating you badly because he wants to. Depression doesn't cause you to be actively horrible to others.

the worry of ‘am I doing enough for him?’

Christ - don't give this worry any more headspace. He's doing worse than nothing for you. He's using up your energy, time, annual leave, and even making you feel like shit for it! All of that effort should be spent on yourself and your son not this ungrateful shithead who thinks team just means you running around after him and giving you nothing but grief. You need to get help for yourself to work out why you've allowed yourself to be treated so badly and why you take all the blame for it. But as a first action, absolutely cut him off, and enjoy your freedom and getting your self-esteem back!

Oh @Youcantfly I was that soldier. Married with two children and fifteen years later realised I couldn't fix, nor enable him any longer.

You can't help people who don't engage with help themselves. I have seen so many wonderful people battle with depression. If someone engages then yea they can have healthy relationships, if they don't they can't.

You can't control everything around them to keep them ok. You will self destruct. In the end I issued a final ultimatum - get help or I am gone.

I am gone ten years and I have a life back, my children are happier and i have a wonderful partner. There is a better way of living.

Meanwhile my ex is still ranting about my betrayal and breaking my word. As I tell him I never agreed to be his emotional boxing bag.