Can he treat me like this?

[Youcantfly]

My DP of 2 years has been depressed for around a year due to multiple factors in his life. He doesn’t really have many friends or a strong support network. He also won’t seek professional help.

I am understanding and am constantly trying to be there for him and help him by taking some weight off of his shoulders. I’ve tried to help him with his money worries by selling his things for him as he just couldn’t get round to it himself. He lent him some money to tide him over. I cook for him and look after him when he does visit or I visit him. I am always there for him if he needs me, in any way. I’ve taken days off work to be there for him when he’s been unwell. However I am a single parent so it’s tough going being there for everyone.

The problem is, he is constantly hot and cold with me. Mostly cold. Will break promises to see me or call me on a regular basis. He often seems in a mood with me for no reason and will ignore me for a day or give me one word replies. He becomes easily angry and explosive and I have to think about what I’m going to say so it doesn’t set him off.

He will complain that no-one is ever there for him and he has to do it all himself. Obviously this hurts me as I am always there for him and offering and doing things for him. He tells me we are not a team as I’m not really there for him.

If I mention a need I have, he gets angry and tells me I’m too needy and life isn’t all about me. These needs are mostly asking for some affection and for him to be reliable and only promise what he can actually deliver.

I know he has depression but I just feel sad that I’m being treated this way and allowing it purely because he had a mental health issue.

AIBU to expect him to treat me better despite the depression?

OP my mother had depression. My bother and I spent our child hood was spent walking on egg shells.

From my own personal experience of my mum and another family member - when they are like this they completely centre themselves. Depression is a very selfish illness.

Having depression doesn’t mean you can get away with bring an arse hole - and tbh he sounds like a proper one.

Depression fall out is a very good book on what happens to partners and family when someone has it.

But in your position OP is leave/end it. You’re not his skivvy or his mug to treat like shit. This is not working for you any more

I voted YABU

The reason is that you can't control his behavior and after a long time of treating you as lesser than himself, you can't expect better from him. He would have shown you better if he wanted to. He has not.

The only thing you control here is whether to put up with it. You can stop pandering to him or leave him (which is probably more effective). But above all, you need to treat yourself better and stop allowing such behavior in your life.

If he hasn't sought any professional help then presumably he hasn't actually had a diagnosis. How do you know he has depression? Maybe he's just a manipulative arse.

I second this. How? Because you let him. I wonder how much of his behaviour is down to depression and how much is because this is who he is

Regardless, you deserve better

Dump him! Send a text to tell him it's over then block him. Don't answer the door unless you know it's not him. He'll get the message. If he somehow gets to be able to threaten suicide that is not your problem, and he won't anyway. It's manipulation. It happened to me. You are entitled to be happy and you owe him nothing.

Have you thought that this is the "real him" and the "first year him" was him being on his best behaviour ?

You've missed work to look after this man ?

That he refuses to seek professional help is a huge red flag. I've battled anxiety and depression for decades, and there are very effective treatments these days with fewer, milder side effects.

At any rate, mental illness is not a "treat people around me like shit with no consequences" excuse. It's past time to set some clear boundaries and be ready to leave him if he won't abide by them.

You are being unreasonable to yourself for staying in this situation. What are you actually getting from this relationship, apart from a bucketload of abuse?
If he genuinely has depression you can't fix him, he needs professional help.
Walk away, for your own wellbeing

I would get rid, you can't f8x him and he is mentally damaging to you. Walk away.

Please leave him. He is taking so much care and attention from you, it must be affecting your dc and your own MH.

Do you realise you are putting him first and your child last? Is that ok with you? By giving him so much of your time, emotional and mental health, money you are taking this away from your own child - and for what? Ask yourself that op.

Going against the grain here OP. I can empathise with your DP.

I had very extreme depression between the ages of 21-24. I would go through phases of being extremely horrible and uncaring towards others, including my wonderful boyfriend. He did everything that you say you're doing for your DP.

He moved in with me, took care of my basic needs, did my laundry and cooked for me. Literally everything. I'd go through times of being utterly lovely and obsessed with him, to being cold and silent towards him. It was a really horrible time.

I managed to go through lots of rounds of CBT, talking therapies, and medication, and finally came out of it. After many (and I mean many) discussions with my boyfriend, we agreed to drop the past and move forward together. I obviously apologised for everything I'd done, and he forgave me because he knew I wasn't completely sane at the time.

Fast forward 5 years now, I am off all of my medication, haven't been depressed for 5 years, and our relationship is so strong and thriving. We are now married with a baby on the way. I know I was so horrible to him, but the awful demons in my head wouldn't allow me to be otherwise. I am honestly so grateful he stuck with me and loved me through it all, even though it was so, so hard for him. I know he would do it all over again if he had to, and I would for him as well.

Sometimes you have to decide for yourself if the relationship you have is worth it. Is he someone you truly love? Is he actively seeking help and trying to get better?

There are a lot of questions you need to ask yourself but ultimately you are the only one who can make the right decision for yourself x

Wow your man sounds incredible. That’s not something anyone would expect and especially at such a young age.

It’s also great that you realise what you had put him through and took accountability and apologised. That takes a lot!

I’m so pleased for you that you’re out of that place and now doing so well. Congrats on the baby 😊

I definitely prioritise my child. I realise that the only person I’m putting last is myself and that’s not right, healthy or sensible!

I am going to give him space and back off on helping him. I can suggest he get help but I can not drag him there.

Someone mentioned that I am enabling him and maybe that is actually right. I think it’s best I leave him to it and see if that helps us both. He can sort his own situation out and I can step away from the role of mothering him.

I am no one’s (proverbial) punching bag and I don’t know how I’ve let myself become that to this man. But no longer!

you should seek counselling of some kind first of all

When you're considering getting treatment for someone else's depression it's time to move on.

Let him go Youcantfly. he has wounds you can't heal, only he can.

Because he can. Because he wants to. Because he's an entitled dickhead.

Don't put up with it. You deserve better.