Are weddings actually seriously uncool? Naff as anything?

[comoatoupeira]

Light-hearted! This is about taste and fashion and society, not about the institution of marriage or the spirituality of the wedding ceremony.

Just reading the thread about the bridezilla who wants her sister to change her haircolour to be her bridesmaid, just the ultimate in deranged and self centered behaviour.

I've been having these twinge thoughts in the back of my mind for a while now, and I'm finally putting it out there: are weddings "over", meaning that they are actually naff and bad taste now?

What I mean is the classic wedding: overdone and over-achieving bride, matching bridesmaids in pastel satin, expensive everything. Men in expensive tailoring but who manage to not look elegant?

I think elopement and queer (in the academic sense) ways of getting married are in? Or just quietly in the registry office and then a party?

Taste arbiters, tell me your thoughts!

OP how old are you? Are you past the stage when your friends all started getting married?

in my experience, individuals get “over” weddings when they’ve been to a lot. When there’s been a couple of years since they settled down (either getting married or deciding to have dcs unmarried). It’s really hard if you’ve moved beyond that life milestone to find the excitement for a wedding. when you’ve only been to two or three weddings as an adult, they can seem individual or still exciting, when you’ve been to 20+ it starts to feel formulaic (because really there’s only so much “different” you can do when you need the basic wedding ceremony, you need to feed and water your guests and there’s an expectation of dancing of some sort).

This is Mumsnet - most posters are parents or trying to become parents, therefore they are on the next life milestone, the “settling down” stage is done and doesn’t seem as important. I can see why if you’ve been to a lot of weddings and that part of your life is done, it could seem naff. But it’s interesting how many women who did have the big day, who did throw the big party, later decide it’s tacky for someone else to do that.

It’s all been done over and over. Great, but not by this bride and groom. Every wedding day is unique because it’s a brand new hopeful couple, and every wedding is the same because ultimately however the decorations or celebrations change, at its centre is a legal contract.

Also, maybe this is a bit of a stretch, but the white dress thing feels a bit weird in the context of the feminist moment we're in? Post me-too, and since so much discussion is about domestic violence and abusive relationships, the very feminine, pouffy bride feels a bit weird? Or child like? Like a potential victim? Or a victim of their own fantasy? Or maybe this is just me spending too much time reading Mumsnet (I can't imagine the very witty and smart posters on Mumsnet in the pouffy dress!)

I know what you mean, OP, but on balance think YABU to say a blanket "weddings are naff". I agree with PP about all the froo-froo added extras and think it's ridiculous for a couple to spend beyond their means for the sake of one day. It does make me ponder whether the wedding rather than the marriage is the focus.

That said, the last couple of weddings I've been to have been delightful. Both were older couples, one of whom had been together for decades and the other for a short while. Both weddings were a real and personal celebration of their love for each other, and their happiness to share this love and joy with friends and family. Truly lovely days.

We had simple small wedding and reception we invited people they showed up and it happened then it was over (the day we are still married)

I am fine with any wedding like this but I don't get the drama massive 'you are invited to this bit but not this bit' you have to fly and take 2 weeks holiday and pay for all these bits, tantrums, list of requirements of what to wear and what is or not acceptable

The more complicated is not better

Obviously I could be wildly wrong, but I suspect these brides were more affluent than most. I think it takes a lot of economic self assurance to get married barefoot, and then to have party in your parent’s garden that’s big enough for a wedding. Ditto the orchard.

A lot of the OTT glitzy weddings come across as coming from a position of “this is my one day in life to pretend I am a princess” and I don’t care if I go deeply into debt and can’t buy a house for another 5 years because of it.

The very laid back weddings strike me as coming from a position of “my life in general is pretty good and I have absolutely nothing to prove”.

I don’t think big weddings will ever go out of fashion. Smaller weddings might become more popular, but marking a wedding ceremony with a big bash will always be a thing.

A lot of people see it as a once in a lifetime thing and so decide to celebrate with gusto.

I know it’s accepted MN wisdom that budget weddings are more fun (and point to a longer lasting union. Unconvinced on that one) but I’ve got to say I’ve been to some blow the budget weddings that have been amazing fun and some budget ones that have been a bit of a snore.

I’ve never been married either, so I’m not speaking from a place of defensiveness.

I got married abroad in2008, nice small wedding with a few people and had a party when I got home. No worries about centre pieces or themes. Just beautiful surroundings and delicious food.

If I remarried now I’d elope, I hate the tackiness of big weddings.

I think you'd be surprised which ones are the most expensive! We had a barn wedding with a ceilidh, my mum was devastated as she wanted the manor house-type venue! She was appalled by the cost 😂

I agree with the PP who says everyone should have the wedding they want, and others shouldn’t judge.

I had the wedding I thought I should have. I enjoyed it, was a fun day, but if I had my time again I’d just either elope and do it just the two of us (but telling my parents in advance) or have a very small wedding of maybe immediate family (parents, siblings) and one or two friends.

I’m embarrassed about how much money we spent on the wedding, it’s obscene and could’ve been used far more constructively.

That said, I have fond memories of it and people still say they loved it, so hey ho.

Lots of good points here!

Still have at least one every summer. Two this year.

We had a very traditional wedding 34 years ago - church followed by university dining hall ( no chair covers) one bridesmaid, no morning suits, no evening do - left for honeymoon from the reception. Brilliant day.

@anonqrtb That sounds wonderful! A celebration for all to enjoy and feel involved. 😍

Very perceptive.
(sorry I am marking year 11 essays this week so I can't help writing margin comments!)

I think this is very wise and observant, and something I hadn't necessarily put together myself. But yes, the brides getting married in the huge frilly dresses, wearing tiaras and sitting in thrones for dinner do tend to be the least well off in real life.

Re wedding dresses - there are women who will go their entire life never being invited to an event where it would be appropriate to wear a ball gown/evening dress. In my experience, those are the women who go for it with the big dress, they will never get an opportunity to wear a designer evening gown again, so if they are only going to do it once, making the one day they wear a spectacular creation be their wedding day makes sense. If you are probably only wearing a truly fabulous dress once, do it on the day you do something else you plan to only do once.

I agree with this wholeheartedly.

I think they're narcissistic...

A whole day of me, spend money on me, talk about me, look at me, me me me!!!

Birthdays are the same, but to a lesser extent... not tens of thousands for a party all about you... putting yourself and others into debt with money you haven't earned for one day, when new relationships are hard! Imagine what you as a person could do now with £20,000 now... Most people live pay slip to pay slip... COL crisis...

"Despite the cost of living crisis, wedding spending rose £1,500+ year-on-year to £20,775"

(lighthearted! 😄)

I had an enormous pouffy dress but I assure you I looked the strong, confident, tubby middle aged woman I was and not child like or moving towards victimhood in any way....

I sat on the floor 2mins after leaving the ceremony to let my nieces and nephews cover me with confetti (dried flowers my mum made for us all). The dress had done it's thing by the as far as I was concerned so I wasn't worried about dust or dirt.

@PeonySeasons you look absolutely stunning and not at all like I described.

I think other people look lovely in them, I guess I would just feel embarrassed wearing one, for the signals it sends. But I think I'm being precious here.

They do feel very 'samey' but I'd imagine because I have been to a few although not recently. Some bits of our wedding were traditional others not. I didn't want a wedding with everyone there. I actually hate being centre of attention. I was quite happy to elope, grab some randoms off the street for the registry office and find some decent bars to eat, drink and be merry in. DH wanted the bigger wedding with all our friends and family there. Ten years on its nice to look at the memories and I think now I'd do it so differently.

I don't like formal clothes, formal meals or events where there's a lot of alcohol and some dancing.
So basically - I don't like "traditional" weddings.
I just find them boring to be honest (including my own).
But some people love all that - so it's up to them if they do that. Their choice.
What I think is wrong is the amount of money people spend. I think there's more important things in life that need to be paid for. A house deposit for one.
I literally can't understand how (seemingly average) people can afford to spend £1000s on a wedding unless it's all on credit cards or relatives funding it.
I think the tide has turned about what is important.
A place to live is. A fancy party isn't.

I've been to a couple of really special weddings, they were quite a while ago and both couples are now divorced, but they were enjoyable events.

I don't mind a wedding to be honest, despite being a curmudgeonly cynic, it's nice to see people you know being happy.

There’s something in this- and there’s also a lot of sneering at women who want that princess for the day thing being seen as being above their station.

its easy to have the low key event if there’s a good chance there will have been or will be other events in your life when you are a having a glitzy day and being the centre of attention. To wear a simple dress for your wedding when you have already been to events /parties / balls where evening dresses or ball gowns would be the norm.

It’s easy to say don’t spend the money on a big party if you can easily see you will host other big parties over the years.

I think you could be right.

I would welcome it, for environmental reasons if nothing else.

The wedding industry won't like it, but I agree I can see the current younger generation moving away from it, for eco reasons and also to use their money on something more worthwhile.

Agree they could soon be seen to be old fashioned.

This will blow your mind: Wedding Dress Codes Can Be Very Specific - The New York Times (nytimes.com)

Just made me so depressed, how wanky so many things in the world have become.