Feel like an idiot with a friend

[AmusedCrow]

I posted here a couple of weeks ago about a male friend from work who had become distant and would never contact me first/started ignoring a few messages etc. And I was assured I hadn't acted out of line.

I did speak to him about how I felt but I wasn't rude, nasty or aggressive. It wasn't just this in itself it was a combination of hot and cold from him going back to the start of the year, and it had all just built up. He had gone very cold at one point.

Even though we used to talk all the time there is zero point in continuing this. When we were talking he said he'll 'try to get better at replying '. I told him it was no problem and I understood, not to worry about it etc.

We used to hang out but haven't in 4 months and he said during our last chat, 'If you want to go for another coffee next time I'm at work then I'm up for that '. There was a vague discussion of next week.

Anyway then we didn't speak for about a week, I sent a message saying 'Hey if you're still up for that coffee I'm free on X dates if those are any good?'
I sent a short message about a film I'd seen after that.

He read the message and sent a short courteous reply about the film and completely ignored the coffee part.
I guess he didn't actually want to go. I felt a bit embarrassed, I only said it because he'd suggested it.
He's sort of proven my point but I'm not sure why suggest the coffee if you don't actually want to? It's not the end of the world anyway.

Anyway after this there is zero point of talking to him anymore. I'd never be rude or anything, I'm not taking this personally anymore and it's not my issue. But honestly I feel like a complete idiot.

Im sure you mean well but without sounding rude this is not at all what happened, I'm quite aware that people can sometimes drift a bit but this is not what happened. I'm quite aware he 'doesnt owe me his time '.

The last time I saw him he asked why I hadn't gone over, and I explained that I wasn't criticising but I often got vibes he didn't really want me to speak to him/was trying to put distance between us. I told him I understood if that were the case but that was just the vibe I got. Anyway next time I won't be saying anything, I'll just do as many others would do and pretend it's all good/make an excuse, because now I've said that he's clearly decided I'm some sort of mess.

I haven’t read your previous threads or if I have I can’t fully remember but I had a male friend blow hot & cold . He was gay and knows I know he is gay, so he wasn’t thinking I was hitting on him or something!

He is part of what I’ll describe as a former “creative hobby group” (creative hobby now turned career). He messaged then ignored my reply for 5+ months at a time around the start of the pandemic . Also ignored when I posted news on social media about my creative career, then suddenly acknowledged it after I eventually removed him from social media. He follows me again on social media and messaged last year congratulating me on something I created and saying we should meet the next time I’m in his city .

I asked if he wanted to meet for a quick coffee weeks later, before I went on to have lunch with another friend. He didn’t reply. I messaged again to say to him I’d now made other plans as I hadn’t heard from him. He was like oh shame you’ve made plans now - I would’ve been free 🙄another time! Seemed so fake.

i still have him on my social media and will comment under his posts occasionally to congratulate him on stuff but that’s the end of our “friendship” beyond that. I don’t understand these weird games, so I just removed myself from it. I guess he is more an acquaintance in my creative field than a friend now.

That said it’s definitely not worth dwelling upon. You’ve said you will focus on other friendships and that seems to be a good idea. Hopefully this will be your last thread on it and you can leave it here and move on instead of rehashing it all and trying to figure out what he was playing at etc. He was never a really close or old friend of yours what I understand right? So it’s best to just cut your losses and be glad you didn’t invest any more into the friendship! You have no reason to be embarrassed.
Onwards and upwards as they say.

Absolutely fine, I was just asking what you wanted from this thread that you hadn't got from the other.

HTH.

Completely off topic but what does HTH mean in the context of Mumsnet? I’ve seen it here a few times @Motnight

In any case I feel really embarrassed and ashamed and I hope that feeling will pass soon.

Don’t feel ashamed. Use it as experience that sometimes people say what they don’t mean to get out of awkward situations. As this is in the work place you need to be careful he doesn’t start saying you are harassing him.

Just be bright and breezy if you see him. Dont message him again.

HTH - hope that helps 😊

You're right. I deffo haven't harassed or anything, it used to be very equal like he'd message me, I'd message him and so on. He still talks to a mutual friend of ours all the time.

Not messaged him since end zero intention of ever doing so again. I'll just try and let people come to me now.
Fortunately I've had a couple of job interviews (not related, just looking for a pay rise) so least I won't have to see him again soon!

You’re obviously allowed to post as much as you like about the same topic, but I think the point people are making is that you do seem very bound up mentally in this friend going cold on you, which perhaps fuels his sense that you want more from him in this friendship than he’s prepared to give. Not necessarily anything to do with attraction etc, but more feeling/commitment etc.

I don’t think you should in anyway feel like an idiot, but I think you should consciously take a step back in your head, and don’t give the one friend who doesn’t want to see you undue importance because of that (like wanting to be in the club that doesn’t want you as a member because it’s ‘exclusive’). See other people who don’t regard a coffee or a film as akin to a Binding Contract.

Sounds like he thinks you fancy him and he doesn’t feel the same so he’s backed off to avoid giving the wrong idea.

I think my mistake was talking to him about it, I should've smiled breezily and not said anything.
Because of me talking to him about it he's now run a mile and decided I'm a fruit loop, whether that's deserved or not.
Fortunately I've got other friends and it's a bit more equal, I don't get the same vibes and even if they don't reply to every message it really doesn't matter because I'll know they'll get back in touch, whereas with him if I knew I didn't speak first we'd likely never speak again.

I know I'm wrong in trying to find explanations for people's behaviour.
It's just when he said about the coffee he made a point of insisting, yeah we'll definitely do it next time I'm in the office.
I'm so embarrassed that I got ignored on that, I literally only said it because he suggested it.

I’d be thinking more about exactly why this fairly minor brush off is bothering you quite so much. I mean, forget the ‘What is he thinking?’ stuff for a minute. What exactly in you has made it land so hard on you?

I think it's because it's been a series of hot and cold for around 6 months.
Every time we met up he'd go a bit funny on me after even though I didn't say or do anything weird after to my knowledge.
I'm not used to this from people I guess and it's got me thinking what have I done wrong?
But it's not my problem or my issue I need to remember that.

Op, who cares why he’s ignored it! Allegedly, you don’t fancy him, why all this angst over a cup of coffee!!!?

No it's not the coffee on its own it's because he's been hot and cold for about half a year. Anyway I'm just getting on with things, I just feel embarrassed at it being ignored but I would with anyone.

Absolutely. He’s got stuff going on that he’s possibly not even conscious of. Not your issue. He can’t be the kind of friend you want at the moment, for whatever reason.

Oh Ffs

I don't think you've anything to be embarrassed about and there's nothing wrong with trying to find an explanation for someone's behaviour. Fwiw he possibly realises he's been weird, but doesn't have the gumption to say so to you.

I hate it when people say things they don't mean. I'm much older than you, I think, and had someone suggest we meet up for coffee when she stopped attending a hobby group we met at. A few weeks after she left I suggested meeting for coffee. She wasn't a available as she was going on holiday. And never came back suggesting another date instead so I've left her to it.

There are some people who feel obliged to say things they don't mean and have no intention of following through on as though it's somehow worse not to. I find it bizarre. They're often people who are not true to themselves in case someone doesn't like them for it. It's like they're still in the playground.

He was probably just being polite re the coffee or just saying yes to get you off his back. He shouldn't have done that but you seriously need to get over it...for you to feel so bad and ashamed because he never went for a coffee is quite honestly strange. You never made a firm date, there were no solid plans, I'm sure quite a few of us have said "we must do lunch sometime" or similar and not followed it through. Not because we're dicks but we've probably forgotten it was even said.

OP you sound a little too invested in this. Too much analysing. Do you come across as a little intense do you think?

Some people are just flakey unfortunately. Try and move on and just be civil.

No I know that it's more that I messaged asking which day and he ignored it, but true it's not the end of the world and I shouldn't feel embarrassed just have a coffee with other friends.

Maybe I did, If I did I'll put my hands up. But others haven't been hot and cold all year like him so it has messed with my head. I'll get over the embarrassment it's no biggie.